Because she’s going to feel more violated if she finds out later she’s been wearing panties that he’s wanked off into. And hell, for all you know, this isn’t the first time. Someone like this, that’s likely part of what gets him off–that she will later be wearing them. He’s going to jerk off later thinking about how she will wear them and she’ll never know . He’s going to be thinking about how the part that touched his dick is touching her stuff. That’s part of the thrill of this sort of boundary thing. I really don’t think you get that this wasn’t about masturbating. For that, he’d have had his phone out. This was about your wife.
I mean, won’t you be a little weirded out when she wears those panties now? There’s no way to get them out of the rotation. What would you tell her?
I have a question: what if he’d been looking at a non-sexual picture of your wife while masturbating, like a bathing suit shot? Would that be different to you? How would you have reacted?
That’s pretty much my take on it, too. I think the truth wants to be known; I think there is a pretty high probability that your wife will find out sooner or later, and when she does, she is not going to be happy with you for hiding it from her.
You were there, Crime Scene - what do you think the chances are that your friend wasn’t masturbating with your wife’s panties?
Yeah, but I was responding to " I can’t even imagine how many times I, and all the women in this thread, have been masturbating fodder. Whatever. Welcome to men."
Yeah. Thanks.
Crime Scene can’t ever know for sure that she will never find out, though. I’d say there are decent odds that she will find out at some point, and she’s likely to be a lot more upset about it than if Crime Scene told her himself now.
According to Crime Scene, the friend is an alcoholic who brags about his sexual exploits when he’s drunk. I don’t see any reason to trust that he’ll keep this incident a secret. This story might wind up being one he shares, and that could get back to Crime Scene’s wife. Or he might worry that Crime Scene will angrily spread the story around, and decide to do damage control by confessing to his own fiancee or offering an explanation to his friends. Again, this could get back to Crime Scene’s wife. Heck, the friend might contact Crime Scene’s wife himself to make some apology or excuse.
Since the friend has a history of making women feel uncomfortable, it’s possible that Crime Scene’s wife already thinks the friend is creepy but feels guilty about this since he’s never (to her knowledge) crossed the line into inappropriate behavior. It’s even possible that the wife has been shielding Crime Scene by not telling him about other questionable things the friend has said or done around her. While she’ll be upset to learn that the friend may have been sniffing her panties, it may also come as something of a relief to find out that her instincts were right.
I just realized another thing from reading the OP. Crime Scene walked in on his chum when he was almost certainly waxing the dolphin and using Mrs. Scene’s underpants as an accessory to the crime… and he just left again without even retrieving the underpants, presumably allowing his buddy to GET BACK TO BUSINESS?
I mean, how difficult would it have been to grab them off the floor while saying, “oops, how embarrassing, sorry you had to see these, I’ll just put them away where they belong!”, either with or without a who-are-we-kidding glare? Face saved, message sent. Instead, you left the dog alone with the steak again and turned your back.
Did you perhaps check the underpants later to see if they were still… urk … soft?
If it makes you feel better, I am imagining you naked on a white shag rug with a big stiff blue maple leaf on it. Rowr. Don’t forget the hard, rigid hockey mask, that’s my favorite part.
So there’s no chance this fella would ever come around the house when you’re not home? Cause your wife is gonna let him in even if you aren’t home. Cause she doesn’t know she shouldn’t.
You, of course, know more about the situation than we do, but from the description it sounds like your good nature is being cynically abused by someone who is a manipulative jerk or utterly socially clueless.
To be clear, I am not in the “you must have secretly enjoyed it” camp. I am confused about the nature of your friendship, which sounds like “Take, take, take” (as certain elder relatives would put it). He gets a friend who is willing to silently tolerate puerile behavior that drives everyone else away, plus some female eyecandy, plus a combination hotel/porn viewing area/jack shack whenever he’s in town visiting the folks. But what do you get out of the friendship? Is it penance? If so, good heavens, what did you do?
He’s a mooch, not a friend. Like the guy who comes over to watch the game, then drinks your beer and ignores everybody. Or the guy in middle school who ostensibly came over to play Nintendo or shoot some hoops, but only has any interest in leafing through your big brother’s stash of Playboys.
How about the risk-reward angle? If tell your wife, she’s probably a little pissed, with a tiny chance of being really pissed, but either way pissed at him. If you don’t tell her, there’s a small chance she finds out anyway, then gets really pissed, at you.
This whole thing is a clusterfuck no matter how you approach it. Personally I would not tell anyone about anything. I would just continue on as usual but never leave said buddy alone in my house again. I would think less of him for invading my privacy and his friendship would drop down a notch or two on my “people I care about” ladder.
In the overall picture of life this amounts to a hill of beans, without conclusive proof, and apart from shaking your head and distrusting your buddy there’s not much you can do, and telling your wife is just going to stir up a hornets nest.
It benefits because, like you said, your anger is waning a bit and its only been a few days. You don’t want to give him time to think up an excuse, or, because of your inaction, think you’re condoning it. Addressing it now while the event is still fresh allows you and him to be more honest with yourselves before one or both of you rationalize this away as if it was nothing
I think the women of this board have had a lot of experiences with creepy guys, and many of those instances turned out badly. Owing to that experience, they are giving you the advice that once a guy starts down this road, its probably a bad idea to keep hanging around him because it could lead to worse. That’s up to you to decide, but you did ask for advice. What you have to weigh is whether you believe this is a one-time thing and he’s been scared straight, or simply the beginning of something worse
Addressing it soonish also gives you closure, so that you don’t stew on this for a long time or dismiss it out of hand. You could get madder next week, or your concern now can fade to nothing and he does it again and you feel guilty about it
This actually happened to me. I went to bed one night, leaving my then husband and his buddies drinking in the living room. We were undergoing a remodel, and my dresser was temporarily in the hallway. I had closed the bedroom door, but came out to use the can, and there was one of his pals going thru my dresser. Half asleep, I mumbled something and did my business-he was gone when I came out of the bathroom. In the morning, I was missing about 6 or 8 pairs of panties. Clean ones in the dresser, which seemed weird–I thought pervs liked the dirty ones. But I told my husband. There was really no other explanation. He finally asked his soon-to-be ex-friend, for the cash for the panties he’d taken. Much denial and carrying on. One evening, as hubby and I were watching TV, the pal knocked on the door. When my husband answered, pal threw $40 at him, which landed on the floor, yelled something and we never saw him again. I had never had a creepoid feeling around him, I actually liked him and knew his girl friend. I would just end the friendship.
Anytime. But just maybe…this is why so many women are claiming violation when no woman was actually harmed by this seedy act? Because women probably wouldn’t snatch a pair of dirty shorts and sneak off for happy hour. It’s uber weird because it’s hard to relate to. But in the grand scheme of deviance, it’s pretty mild. We’ve a couple posters here who let us know at every opportunity they are searching for foot pics, and I suspect if any Doperettes provide any innocent barefoot beach pics, or pics which include sandles or open toed shoes: some dude wanked to them. Anyone asking for the foot fetisher’s heads on a stick? Nah, it’s tolerated or ignored because we know these guys, just like the OP knows his friend. Everybody’s into something.
It’s skeevy, embarrassing, rude, and I wouldn’t want this guy around because I don’t want his fluids on my clothes. And because the sum of his creepies is more than I would tolerate. But calling for a beating or public humiliation is a little over the top. Besides, he might be into that. What if he is? What then, Dopers? What then!? You’ll have seed all over your hands.
Unchecked, he will soon progress to stage 2. This is where, instead of borrowing a pair of her panties from the hamper, he gets a clean pair from her dresser, beats the bishop in them, then puts them back in the dresser, with the other clean panties.
They refer to that as sex by proxy. Her own moisture will revitalize his dried out jizz, and althou the sperm died the second they were exposed to air, remnants of his rembrant will in fact make it into her. In fact, every time a bishop gets beat, the bishop releases 1 billion sperm. Even the panties in the hamper, after 60 minutes in Tide, will still have residual DNA in them…ask any forensics expert…forensics tech find DNA under much more adverse conditions. His live sperm are not in her, but I assure you a trace amount of his DNA already is.
Ps if you then perform oral sex on her, that is referred to as you giving him a blowjob by proxy.
All joking aside, there really aren’t too many pervy things that one gender has a monopoly on. Women are probably a little more reticent to admit they’ve stolen a sniff of a non-partner’s used undies for sexual kicks, but I guarantee you it has happened at least once.
this is what everyone has been saying so far - they expect to be told and would be furious otherwise.
i’ll go so far as to say intentionally keeping this from your wife is worse than having a creep sniffing her underwear. you expect a creep to be creepy, but you don’t expect your husband to treat you like a child and withold relevant information. relevant because she has known him for about as long as you do. he is her friend too and it’s entirely concievable that they might meet or encounter each other when you’re not around to “protect” her.
I’d say the topic of Dopers with foot fetishes wanking off to pictures of other Dopers wearing sandals has thus far been ignored not because we’re all part of the same community and trust one another, but because it’s never really come up. I don’t remember seeing any of the SDMB regulars talk about searching for foot pics, much less confessing that they were using innocent pics of other Dopers as wank material. I’m not saying no such wanking has ever occurred, just that the foot fetishists have been reasonably discreet about it so no one else knows it’s happened. If a Doper lady posted a picture of her foot to get opinions about her new sandals or something and another Doper replied (in a non-joking manner) that he’d be adding the photo to his foot porn collection then I think a lot of posters would be pretty angry about it.
I’d say there’s also a significant difference in the relative creepiness of masturbating to a photo posted publicly on the Internet and going into a woman’s bedroom, rifling though her personal belongings, and taking a pair of her panties to masturbate to/with/on. That’s not just looking or using the ol’ imagination, it’s deliberately invading this woman’s privacy and tampering with her property. That’s bad enough, but I would not trust that someone willing to cross that line for sexual kicks is going to stop at panty-sniffing.
I’ve got to get some sleep before work tomorrow, so I’ll address what I can on my lunch break. Actually, I may just log on from my laptop at work and do it before then, since we are way ahead of schedule at the office.
To be clear: His soon to be wife was not with him this trip, so unless he brought a pair of her panties with him, they were definitely my wife’s.
Someone asked why I didn’t pick them up off the floor when I opened the door and saw him sitting on the bed with a hand in the cookie jar look. It was because I was VERY caught off guard, embarassed for him, to some degree myself, and wanted to get the hell out of there. It never even crossed my mind that after I left he finished business. I mean, Jesus, what kind of pervert is he after a near miss he can still finish up? If the damn phone rings while I’m playing the skin fiddle it ruins it for me…
FWIW: Nearly all my wife’s panties are the pretty much the same. The white, whatever material kind that you get at Wal-Mart or wherever. Besides the boy short ones or the special event type ones; these underwear were the former. So, if it is an issue for her, she is going to have to throw nearly all of her goddamn underwer away to get these out of rotation…I guess I am going to tell her since that is what the majority seems to think is the best route. Maybe I’ll tell her when we meet for lunch tom…nevermind. I don’t want her headed back to the office making decisions while pissed off.
