“Define friend,” I hear you cry. Someone who you’d be comfortable asking to help you move a mattress, I reply. Someone you’ve know personally for some time, not just a friend in the Facebook sense.
So, this hypothetical friend of yours (let’s call him Jack Dui) attends a shindig with another friend of yours (you are too busy bench-pressing dinosaurs or posing for sculpture to attend). You find out later from a trusted source (let’s call her Diane Informer) that your friend left the knees-up totally shit-faced, and got into a car and drove. By pure chance he shortly runs into the police before any damage is done. The 5-0 take him into custody as there is no question of his guilt.
What’s your reaction? Do you still call Jack a personal friend? Are you more mad with Mary for not making more of an effort to stop them from getting in the car?
I’ve split the poll into gender to see the difference, and your response if Johnny shows genuine remorse for his crime or is simply remorseful that he got caught, and your attitude towards Diane after the incident.
I have a handful of friends that have DUIs, I don’t think any of them were ‘crawling out to their cars’ drunk, but obviously drunk enough to get a ticket and spend a few hours at the police station.
Yes, they’re still my friends.
I’m sure a lot of people will actually ‘unfriend’ a DUI offender, but I also think at least some of the Dopers here, in the land of no middle ground, will say that would do that but actually wouldn’t. It’s kind of the culture here. I’m sure I’ve seen threads here where someone mentions that their friend got a DUI and another posters jumps in with ‘Well, then that person isn’t really your friend is he?’ or “Well, if they drink and drive they then you should get rid of them as a friend?”
So, I’ll chime in right away, two friends with DUIs (that I know of)…still friends.
Yes. But experience has told me that frequently he/she won’t be my friend for long. Based on my experience few people are pulled over on that one occasion where they were just over the limit. They’re usually pulled over because they’re way over the limit, driving very erratically, and they have a serious drinking problem. YMMV
Anyone can make a mistake with alcohol. I’d support a friend that didn’t have a history of heavy drinking. He still has to face up to his crime. Lose his license and so on. But, yeah I’d give him rides to work and continue being a friend.
Someone with a major drinking problem needs professional help and the support of friends. I’d try to stick by a friend that was getting help. I couldn’t stay friends with a guy that just keeps getting drunk all the time.
Heard that song on the radio and decided to change the names halfway through the OP, to enable a stupid poll title. Er, I mean, Mary is Diane’s middle name. Yeah. Her full name is Diane Mary Informer. Just like Johnny a nickname for John, like Jack is. You’re buying this, right? Damn you John Mellencamp!
One of my exes had gotten several DWIs.
It caused arguments but we didn’t break up.
I supported him in his attempts to stop drinking, I drove him to work and to his meetings, and visited him in jail.
I would not help him pay his fines, I would not lie for him, I would not cover for him with his job.
He asked me to lie, saying that I had been driving and left him in the truck while I walked home.
He asked me to lie about where I lived so he could get out and be under house arrest.
I refused to lie for him, I refused to excuse his behavior.
I did cover for him so his dying mother didn’t know he was in jail. That was for her, not him.
This was all over 20 years ago.
Now, I seldom drink and most of my friends hardly ever drink let alone drink and drive.
I’d still be friends with one of them if they got a DWI, but I doubt I’d be friends with someone who had more than one, just because I’m not likely to be friends with someone who drinks that much anyway.
I have a friend who not only drove drunk but also, in the process, struck and killed a pedestrian.
I still consider him a friend. But after I confronted him about the possibility that he may have a drinking problem he doesn’t maintain contact.
In my definition of friendship that’s what a good friend should do. They don’t have to accept it.
Doesn’t stop me from considering him a friend. If his drinking doesn’t kill him first perhaps he’ll know he can call me if he decides he needs help. And I know how to facilitate that.
Would I get involved in his legal messes or loan him money? I guess not. I would never do that for someone I thought was alcoholic. Don’t want to be part of making his drinking easier for him.
But eventually his drinking “friends” won’t help him either if the usual pattern holds true.
I answered that remorseful Jack would still be my friend, because we all do make mistakes. I have, however, encountered far too many people who show no remorse for the DUIs and it’s kind of horrifying to me. It’s always everyone else’s fault- they weren’t really drunk, the cops had a trap, blah blah. I can’t stand that mess because it’s that logic that’ll lead to them doing it again and potentially killing someone (I know TWO separate people who have served time in prison for getting drunk and killing multiple people-- one killed a mother and her three kids, the other killed two folks riding together. Neither person is particularly remorseful for their actions nor do they take ownership of what they did.)
I have a very, very short patience for drunk drivers, because it’s totally avoidable. Still, mistakes can be made- the key is how they respond to the situation.
Diane didn’t do anything wrong, not sure why I’d have any beef with her. Somebody certainly should have stopped the guy if he really was that drunk, but drunk people won’t always listen. But if he was stupid enough to do what he did, then I see no reason privacy should be paramount-- she should scream from the rooftops what he did, particularly if he shows no remorse.
I know lots of people with a DUI on their record, and I don’t think any less of them. I do not think it reflects negatively on their character; it was simply a lack of judgment on their part. Most learned their lesson.
Back in 2005 I was arrested for DUI, and I plead to a lesser charge. I certainly learned my lesson.
My friend served no jail time. I don’t know the circumstances of his driving status.
He told me that the judge ruled that because the pedestrian was also under the influence and unsteady on his feet he contributed to his own death. (Friend was driving home drunk from a late-night party; victim was drunken hitch-hiker by the side of the road.)
I found that ruling absolutely amazing even if it was legal. Certainly didn’t do anything to help my friend with his drinking problem. If anything he’s drinking more now than before. I imagine he struggles with guilt even if he didn’t express it.
Only one, first time? Sure. More than that would give me pause. Getting arrested for putting other peoples’ lives at risk is a huge Life Mistake. It’s so big, it warrants capital letters! But yeah, I can’t respect someone who doesn’t learn from their mistakes. If I can’t respect someone, I couldn’t honestly call them a friend.
