A good old fashioned losing virginity thread

Factual Questions
1

Hello, everyone. I’ve spent quite a bit of time in the past checking out the postings on the straight dope, and I’ve found that not only do you folks collectively know EVERYTHING, (I can’t help but make an allusion to the Borg from Star Trek, but I’ll digress) but you also seem to by in large be wonderful people.

It’s definitely for that reason that I feel inclined to appeal to you all for a little information of a very intimate nature. Here’s hoping I didn’t screw up during registration and make every little detail about myself public.

AND NOW… One of approximately three times (all were on the straight dope I’m sure) a conversation regarding losing ones virginity has occured on the internet without anyone trying to convince anyone to check out their porn site.

I am a 19 year old male, and I have been going out with my 18 year old girlfriend for 2 years, with another 2 years of friendship before that. I feel somewhat compelled to try to convince you all that our relationship has a little bit more substance to it than what we see around us in our age group, but I suppose that’s really not important. Suffice it to say, I love her very much and we are very happy and committed. In a sort of grand compromise to Pat Robertson, we have for the last two years been very intimate, but have stayed shy of actual sexual intercourse. We’ve both experienced countless orgasms together in all sorts of ways, so we’re very comfortable with eachother’s bodies, talking about sex, etc.

So we started talking about sex, and we decided that we would start to “prepare” ourselves (Birth control pills, etc. We’re trying to be poster-children for responsibility) for our first time. We set a date when there would be no one in the area, etc. and, (much to the dismay of the 13-year-old checking this business out) I’ll spare you the details of us going to it. However, I’ll make it real brief. Square peg. Round hole. LARGE square peg. SMALL round hole.

Help.

Through a pretty un-romantic process of me telling her to stop whenever she wants and her expressing obvious pain, I would say Mr. Happy managed to work his way in no more than 3 inches. Unfortunately, my penis is more than three inches long (DAMN DAMN DAMN!) so this wasn’t really happening. Mind you, this was evidentally not a particularly comfortable three inches. She was essentially in great pain all the way through.

Now, I don’t think I’m an idiot with these things. I’m pretty sure that I’ve hit a little hymen action there. But my understanding is that when a obstructive hymen is present, it’s not typically supposed to be this bad. We’re planning on trying again tomorrow night, so I’ve decided to get all the last-minute advice I can from you geniuses. What should we do? When does it become time to ask an OB/GYN? Is the solution actually to just “go for it”?

Gobs and gobs of KY have been used, and it hasn’t been enough. I have upgraded to Astroglide for tomorrow (we will never spare any expense in lubrication again.) We experimented with many positions, but were by far the “happiest” with her on top so she has complete control. She has been WELL lubricated by the time we decide to go for penetration.

Help me out, ladies and gentlemen. I promise I’ll even provide a follow-up for anyone who cares. :wink:

Thanks in advance.

  • Kirby

PS - I’m going to watch this thread for the next few hours, so feel free to post and expect a pretty prompt response to questions.

2

I don’t feel as though I have the knowledge and background to advise you on this without being afraid that I may have messed with a medical situation, I’m afraid. I would imagine there are plenty reading that have a clue, though. The fact that someone answered the “Do plants emit carbon dioxide at night” thread with a detailed scientific response before anyone even said “I dunno” to your thread doesn’t bode well for you, though.

Perhaps people don’t dig talking about sex on here much? I dunno, everything else seems to be pretty easy for em. Best of luck to you, friend.

  • Rog
3

Kirby, I can’t answer your question because we(my boyfriend at the time and I) had no problem when we slept together for the first time. All I can give you are potential ideas.

Perhaps you’re(both of you) making too big a deal out of it and stressing yourself and her out, and making her “tighter” because of the stress.

The KY/Astroglide is a good idea, but before you even reach for that, make sure she’s a bit wet on her own. Foreplay is key-heck, if you’ve got the time and the privacy, make her orgasm at least once before you even try actual intercourse.

That’s all the advice I’ve got for you-I’m sure someone else will be along as soon as they start waking up around here. :stuck_out_tongue:

4

Welcome to the SDMB. :slight_smile:

Chances are pretty good that if it hurts putting it in gently, “just going for it” will hurt like hell.

Not that I’m the most experienced chick on the block, but my advice is to take your time and keep experimenting with positions. Having her on top and controlling things is a good idea. And lots of lube never hurt anyone, unless they were doing it on a plastic-covered waterbed and the excess lube caused them to fly off the bed.

Have fun <wink> and good luck.

5

The first two girls I slept with were virgins.

The first girl and I tried on three seperate occasions, and experienced pretty much the same thing you did. We broke up after try #3:)

The second girl and I decided to just go for it. We were both nervous, so we decided to get drunk and just have sex. I got too drunk and was unable to uphold my end of the bargain:) We tried again the next night and it was much easier than with the first girl, but still was very painful for her.

Fast forward a couple of years to college.

Having picked up a little more experience along the way, virgin #3 and me decide to have sex. Instead of going straight for sex, I was smart enough by this time to take the pressure off of her. Just kind of hang out in bed and do other stuff. Try different positions. Take breaks between attempts.

I know I’m going to get flamed for this one, but I’ve always thought that condoms were just too rough with a girl losing her virginity. Obviously there are inherent risks with that strategy, from pregnancy to Aids, so think it through before you take that route.

6

I’ve only had actual intercourse with two virgins. Both times there was some, ah, resistance, but not as much as you’ve encountered. I’d say lots and lots of foreplay is in order. Get her so she physically desires penetration and don’t force your way in before hand. Things should go much smoother if she’s to the point where she wants you inside her. The suggestion to bring her to orgasm prior to penetration sounds good. Just remember to take it slow and gentle. It’s my understanding that a little pain is to be expected sometimes, but certainly not agony. If a couple more attempts fail, perhaps it would be wise to consult a physician. There are several medical problems that can interfere with normal pain-free sex, but I can’t remember what they are offhand–it’s very late here. Whatever you do, don’t force your way inside her. Judging from your post, you don’t seem like the kind of person who’d do that, though. Hmm. I might run this one by Mrs. Mephisto later today to get a woman’s perspective. Anyway, good luck to you both! Whether this is a case of inexperience or an actual medical problem, I’m sure the two of you will overcome it. Peace.

7

Two suggestions:

  1. Go to your local adult shop and by an assortment of dildos, starting with the small ones and working your way up. Get her on a nightly regimen of “practicing” :o until she can handle the big ones with no problem. Then she’ll be ready for you.

  2. It might be time to see a doctor. There could be some issues… are you stressed? Does she have moral hangups about sex? Was she molested as a child? Any number of things could be subconsciously freaking her out about the whole process, or it could be something physiological…

8

That should be: “is she stressed?”

9

I promise you that he is stressed…
…he’s just sooooooo close:)

10

Ummm, a young woman should see a gyno to check things out before she has sex. That’s a great thing to do. She might have a thick hymen which has to be surgically cut.

At any rate, its great for a lady to see the gyno (she can find a female one if she wants) before having sex the first time.

BTW: Shouldn’t you give her some time to recover down there before attempting again?

11

These are all very well-thought and highly appreciated replies. I have a few responses:

Lsura: Check. We’ve been spending a lot of time before actually going for it. She’s in a pretty high state of arousal by the time we try anything “funny”. I think that responds to a lot of comments, actually.

Audrey: Thanks. :wink: No waterbed.

Freedom: She’s on the pill, which addresses another question posed by —

Handy: Two points well taken. First, she has very recently had a pelvic exam, and I would imagine that they would notice such issues then, would they not? Second, I’m pleased to report that we’ve been taking breaks of close to a week in length before trying again. Very lengthy breaks.

Mephisto: Thanks for the info. That’s basically the battleplan we’ve been hitting things with thus far. Forcing of any kind is not even a remote possibility as far as I’m concerned. Say hello to Mrs. Mephisto for me. :wink:

Rastahomie: I think the dildo plan will be what we’ll talk about next if this next effort doesn’t work. It sounds perfectly sensible. That’s a lot of extra dildos lying around the house, though. :slight_smile:

Your question number two is very well taken. She has, as far as I could know (and I really think I’d know) no moral hang-ups. Spiritually speaking, both of us see no conflict with god regarding when people have sex. I would think that your question regarding sex may be the heart of the matter. I have noticed at times during intimate activities that she can be muuuch looser than others. I guess that would lead me to suspect that it’s all based on tension. By the way, in case you’re curious I am in fact stressed, which is why I’m here. I’m trying to make this something she’ll remember FAVORABLY. Anyway, many measures are being taken tonight to make things as relaxing as possible. I won’t go into details, but I can describe the situation as no less than ideal.

At this point, given the fact that she has very recently been examined by a OB/GYN (although this specific issue was not presented to the OB/GYN) I think / hope that this is a stress / nervousness thing. I can hope that the second time around perhaps won’t be so nerve racking, and it’s a totally planned event so there aren’t any suprises here.

We’ll see. Thanks again, everyone.

  • Kirby
12

i wonder why it is such an extremely “GREAT” idea?
i “good idea” would suffice

13

I would advise using a lubricated condom, not really for any pregnancy/std reason, burt because it seams like an easier way to do the first time. Its a nice slippery package. Less feeling for both of you, but in your case less feeling would be better.