In the land Suburb, dwelled a schmuck named Blackeyes; and he was a good man, who wore a maroon sweater with a white collared shirt underneath. For the LORD hath decreed that all good Zen Catholics should wear such attire on this date, heat spell or no.
And when Blackeyes sat, for he hath sat sedatively in the past and doth have many a plan to continue this period of sedation.
For you see, it was Midterm Exams time for young** Blackeyes**, who had several exams from the morrow on through the day before the Weekend, being Friday. Blackeyes had a total of Seven exams; seven being a fitting number for Seven is the number of the LORD, the number of days in a week, the number of one of the top movies of 1995, and seven being a few too many exams than he wanted. And he felt that the LORD was in agreement along with him.
He also had to wake up before dawn to take said examinations of academia at dawn. His regularly scheduled sleep-in date of Thursday allowing him to slumber in sweet sleep for two more hours that which kept him sane was also canceled for the exams of material gained thus far. He was distraught.
He had three exams the next morning. Three being the number of exams and no more, no less. He had not four exams, nor five, nor six, seven, or eight exams that next morrow. Ten is right out. He had seven exams altogether now but he did not have seven exams in the course of one day, for the LORD hath decreed that that would be much too much. He did not have two exams, lest he then proceedeth immediately to his third exam. The course and order of his examinations that morrow would be thus: Latin (for Latin is the Mother Tongue and God would have none of his righteous subjects speaketh anything but Latin, and that would include the heathen language of Spanglish which God did not, for God spoke in Latin and favors none but Latin, being the Mother Tongue), Biology (for it is the Study of Life, and there would be no better topic of study than someone of Life under stress and fatigue), and World History.
For Blackeyes was a history nerd when he was but little more than an infant. He watched the Discovery, History, and Learning Channels because when he was being seduced by the channels of Learning, Discovery, and History they showed many images of combat vehicles and weapons. Being little more than an infant his reaction was “hey tankth. They make kaboom”. And so he was led through that path of the channels of Discovery, History, and Learning. Eventually he strayed off of that path, having lost much interest and strayed onto the days of VH1. But do not scorn him, for at the time VH1 seemed interesting and was about the music. He left that path, so do not be afeared for him. Blackeyes absorbed much information during the period of the channels of Discovery, History, and Learning that benefited him in his later years. As did VH1 and Beat the Geeks in his latter years aid in his encyclopedia knowledge of Music. So Blackeyes, armed with this remembered knowledge of History, was able to glide through many a history class with nary a scratch on him. Even if at times he appeared as a know-it-all.
But that is not of the subject at all. Being fascinating background information, it had little to do with the matter leading up to the matter at hand. I will get to that matter, be not afeared.
So at nearly half past the fifth hour anniversary of the supposed location of the sun directly overheard Blackeyes sat down by his Table of Cwauffee in his room for Living with his InstantCoco (being a godly creation) and read all of his varied and many World History notes. The whole damn binder from front to back. Every single page, sheet, indentation, bullet, paragraph, sentence, and word on that damn binder. Two hours later he was finished with the task.
On the one hand he had reviewed everything that might possibly be on that exam, But, cramming massive loads of information for two hours in one sitting is not good. Not only was the ass of Blackeyes effectively numb, but a two hour time span is terribly inefficient; so when thou hath deduced the facts of the scenario, he was not likely to retain the information come #2 pencil time and had wasted much of his time. :smack:
So next cameth the Biology studying. Luckily, Blackeyes was, though horrible at returning assignments upon the given time, a very good student overall and had a very high test grade in the Class for the Learning of the Studying of Life, and had a degree of muchness info stored in his head already. And luckily, he spent last Friday night not getting laid but dutifully spending four hours of his time completing a comprehensive review of the course. For he was a good student who wore a maroon sweater with a white collared shirt this day which gave him much Smoothness in looks this day. And his admirers swooned.
And luckily, he also provided himself this evening with nearly the same volume of notes with that subject as with his subject for the Studying of the World and Its Culture. And he sat down sedatively for a many more hours. Because damnit, the living cell is some complex shit. Cramming an assload of info in one sitting is not good for you and is inefficient; so when thou reacheth this conclusion again, he will probably retain a modicum of the information come #2 pencil time and have probably wasted much of his time.
But when he was done skimming through his necessary texts, Blackeyes watched a ninety-minute documentary on the Sundance Channel. It bothered him slightly (if anyone happened to see Hell House), distracted him from his Reviewing activities, and most horribly ate away horribly at his time. And when that was done he did not go back to reviewing but instead went upstairs to his computer to do his activity of farting around. And he did fart indeed! In the land of Suburb he sat at his computer with the promise to himself he would study some more -for exams are the Make or Break grade of a semester- but he did not, and found himself Distracted. But this one, Blackeyes did make a profound discovery that will surely shock the world!
And he Said!
Thus…
"Dude, Jesus has a beard.
But Snidely Whiplash doth have an evil mustache, which he doth curl evilly. Stalin carries with himself an evil mustache, one that I bet he curls to himself sometimes… evilly. Then there is Hitler, surely the Incarnate of Evil. Sporting a too well groomed mustache. Mao Ze Dong and Pol Pot are but baby faces. Satan Himself has a only a van dyke and tiny mustache.
Friends, allies, comrades, compatriots, compadres, good Christian soldiers! I entreat to thee! Throw out your razors! Your tasers, your phasers, your face-grooming lasers, your Mach3 SIN entrap-in inundators with its Gillette shaving elators, your rhinoceroitis peach fuzz eliminators, your cretunkalunk schnozooblazers, all must go! For they are but SIN! Satan’s Blades! Yes, I cry out to thee such, SIN! Jesus has a full beard but Pol Pot never hit puberty! It is Truth I speaketh! Truth I speaketh to you today, good souls.
Good, innocent souls. Yes, I know we have all felt the good in a clean, smooth, shaven face and may have at one point blasphemed and sang its praises. But you have been deceived by the Enemy of God, for he is EVIL and hath a name, and that name doth be Satan. And what price, this sin? Your very existence is being burned away to Eternal Hellfire and DAMNATION!
I beseech thee, give up your life of sin and temptation, for it is not Holy, it is wrong. The LORD doth hateth this ugly lifestyle of the Clean Shaven Face. It is an ugly lifestyle suited for the WICKED. And The LORD will strike with Great Vengeance all the wicked whose names shall not be written in the Book of Life and shall cast the sinners down into the pits of everlasting hell for their immorality. They have experienced a taste of it already; nay, they do everytime they practice their detestable alternative lifestyle of theirs. Razor burn, my brothers and sisters. Razor burn until the Ends of Time. And the torture of being clumsy with the razor, so that thou must constantly cut thyself when being punished with the task of practicing their sin that they love so much in hell.
But what of the children? Their faces have naught but mere peach fuzz. And they are being lead astray everyday by the evilness of the world and cannot wait to SinBlade up their neck until it is good and bloody, but hairless. Oh, the children. They know not what they do. Won’t somebody please think of the children?!
The LORD is a righteous LORD who parted onto I a Great Revelation that I was instructed by The LORD to share onto you this day.
Peace be upon you.