A hearty SCREW YOU to my psyco neigbors

The BBQ Pit
21

As I’ve posted many tomes before, and will again (I love telling this) we call my neighbor the Crazy Lady (and on some occasions Alabama).

She is in her late 60’s, and mental illness ran in her family. She used to be friends with my grandparents (who are neighbors on the other side of my house) in the 70’s. In the early 80’s she began to act strange. She would call friends on the phone go on about how she had to get back to Alabama, that her husband was “on to her.” Relatives of their family say they fear for her husband.

Fast forward to 1992 when we build out house between hers any my grandparent’s house. Shortly after we move in to our house, she starts to walk up and down her driveway whenever we are outside and tell us how she wants to build an 80 foot fence so she doesn’t have to look at our “god damn ugly faces”.

Once, I was playing outside, and she decided that it was a good time to burn the woodpile on our property line. That isn’t a big deal, we burn near there too. So, being the curious kid that I am, I watch her. Alabama decides to make strange gestures at me with a stick. She soon stops after the fire is started and goes inside.

She loves to burn stuff. Usually she waits until the fire is nice and large, and then she goes inside. Snow and rain don’t stop her from trying to burn. At least twice a year, she will be outside in thunderstorms trying to get her woodpile going. If we have any sort of outdoor event, she will start a fire without fail.

If we are outside, and she is going somewhere, she drives down her driveway very slowly, and will give us the “thumbs down” sign. She will on occasion roll down her window and blow raspberries as she gives the thumbs down. She also enjoys spitting in our direction, very loudly.

Another time, she was painting her garage door. She notices us watching, and decides to start painting the driveway. A few weeks later, she is out in her the middle of her driveway and is hammering a metal pole into the middle of her driveway.

She also loves to get verbal. It’s not uncommon for her to pick up a stick and throe it in out yard and yell to us “Here doggie, fetch.”
Or, if she is in a more colorful mood, “One of these days, I’m going to come over there and slit your throats”. Once, while she was taking out the trash, she yells to my mother “I’ve worked all my life, you asshole”. We called the police when she started up with one of my sister’s friends.

Lately, she has been taking her medication, because nothing big has happened. Although, the other day, she had a reclining chair out by the road marked “free.” The only thing was, she was sitting in the chair too.

I hope I didn’t leave out anything important.

22

Mudshark, that’s really sad, actually. Does she live alone, or does she live with family? Is there any one to take care of her and make sure she takes her medication or gets to the doctor when she needs to?

23

Psycho neighbors - takes me back . . . .

When I first got married (1978), we lived in a small, rental house in a rather pretentious town. My neighborhood was rather, er, different. Next door, was one of the two gas stations in this town, and across the street was an Indian reservation (er, Native American enclave). Granted, it was only a 1/4 acre, but it had a teepee, a log cabin and some assorted farm animals. It was really kewl. Being a out-going sort, I had befreinded the Chief, and often could be found swilling a bottle of Chivas with him in the comforts of his canvas abode. But, I digress . . .

The rest of the neighborhood didn’t like the fact that the reservation was there, couldn’t stand the Chief, and by association, couldn’t stand me. Much hilarity ensued.

Item 1 - found a note taped to my front door: “If you can’t afford a clothes dryer, then you shouldn’t be living in this neighborhood - we DON’T use clotheslines around here” (Tell me that there’s nothing better than sleeping on sheets that have been line-dried - which is the only thing we put on the clothesline!!)

Item 2 - Note on car windshield: “Please don’t park this eyesore where we have to look at it. If you can’t afford a decent car, then you shouldn’t be living in this neighborhood” (The car was a 5 year old Audi - I guess it doesn’t compare to a brand-new Buick or Caddy.)

Item 3 (The straw that broke the camel’s back): I just got home from work (8:45ish in the morning - I was 3rd shift supervisor at the data center for a Fortune 10 company at the time). I’m sitting on the front porch, reading the NY Times and sipping a beer. A car pulls up in front of the house (new, black Buick). A ‘man of the cloth’ gets out of the car and introduces himself to me. Explains that the Minister at one of the local churches, and the neighbors are concerned that I’m sitting around all day drinking instead of going out and looking for a job. I just looked at this guy (who was sincere, and obviously was doing his job - wasn’t his fault). I finally laughed, explained what I do, and why I’m drinking a beer at 9am. He started to laugh. He decided to have a beer with me. He finally revealed to me who called him (my next-door neighbor - a real jerk with a shrew of a wife and two kids who were poster children for birth control - who I suspected of leaving the notes anyway), and then I set my plan into motion.

We were planning to move the next spring. We packed up and left in March (to a larger house closer to work). Through a friend, I got a baggie full of seeds, and waited until the ex-neighbors put in their gardens (early May). I snuck over one night and carefully planted them (the schmucks were very well known for their beautiful flower garden and had won several community awards). I checked on the fruits of my labor from time to time. As I suspected, they had NO idea of what I planted, but they did take rather good care of them. There had to be about 30 well-tended plants when I finally called the police and tipped them to the whereabouts of a major stash.

Both the husband and wife were taken away in handcuffs, the kids ended up with family for a while, HUGE headlines in the local paper, neighbors shaking their heads saying “I would have NEVER thought that about them - they seemed so nice”. Eventually, they cleared everything up (they maintained they have NO idea where the plants came from), but alas, they eventually had to sell their house and move elsewhere. No one ever thought of us as being the culprits, since we had moved away.

I don’t get mad, I just get even - and then some.

24

Dude, that’s really fucked up, fotosbyfrank. Hopefully you’re making that up. Framing someone and maybe costing them their house and family because of some stupid notes left on your car or house. I hope someone does something like that to you someday.

25

That’s hilarious fotosbyfrank, I would have never thought of anything like that. All I know is a burning bag of shit on the door step.

26

Yep, fotosbyfrank, someone’s completely psycho in your story…

27

There WAS a psycho neighbor in fotosbyfrank’s post-but I don’t think it was the one he thought it was.

Mudshark, if she’s starting fires, call the cops. That’s pretty fucked up and I wouldn’t want them spreading to my property.

28

I considered it more of a community service than actual revenge. In the time I was there:

He called the police because I had a bonfire in my backyard. The cops came, found I just lit a charcoal grill. Neighbor was heard to say “They should get a gas grill if they want to live around here”.

Sued the town because of the gas station (fire hazard). Suit dismissed because the gas station pre-dated this guy’s house by about 30 years, and it was in a commercially zoned area.

Sued the federal goverment for the reservation across the street, claiming it lowered his property values. Case thrown out.

Called the police because I was hitting golf balls (the whiffle variety) in my back yard. Police came, saw I was driving the balls down the yard away from the houses (my house was 30 feet further back from the street than my neighbor, and the yard had a length of about 400 ft, balls went maybe 50 feet). Cops thought it was kewl. No action taken.

Called zoning board about the putting green in my back yard. Inspector came. Admired it. Asked how much work it was to keep it up. Tried it out. Set a golf date with me. Helped him put one in his backyard.

Called the police on a neighbor who was having a tag sale. Ugly cars parked on the street. Neighbors had all required permits. No action taken.

Filed another suit against the reservation, claiming the tribe that lived there aren’t really Native Americans, but actually African-Americans because they looked more Black than Native American. Suit dismissed (most of the tribe was at least 1/4 - 1/8 Native American, which is what the law recognizes as being Native American).

Filed suit with the town because the teepee across the street violated zoning rules. Case dismissed.

Reported an elderly neighbor who’s grass was 1/8" longer than what zoning rules specified as being “proper height” (The incestious fellow actually was out on his hands and knees with a ruler measuring it every day until it was long enough to report.) The poor man who owned the house was in the hospital for 2 weeks and probably never even thought to arrange for grass cutting. Mr Tag Sale guy and I went over and mowed the lawn. Neighbor was not amused.

Complained to me because I mowed my lawn side to side, instead of front to back like he did. Claimed it clashed with the way his lawn looked.

Complained to me because I threw snow from the driveway and sidewalk into the street, where the plow would push it onto his property.

Called the zoning board about an unlicensed display on my front lawn. Inspector came out, saw it was a snowman and left.

Called the police about the traffic going in and out of the house. Cars parked there all day. Wife was editing a book and the two authors were by every day to work with her. One was a VERY well known author and playwright. Were the cops faces red!

All this, and more in the space of 18 months.

29

In the immortal words of the poet Derrick Coleman: Whoop-de-damn-doo. You framed him and could have sent him to jail for a while or had his kids taken away from him. You are an asshole and deserve contempt. And probably worse things.

30

I’ll have to agree with everyone who thought fotosbyfrank was an asshole.

Planting weed on people is illegal. You’re such a jerk that spray painting their garage door was too juvenile for you eh?

31

fotosbyfrank - your actions (the weed planting) were over the top, IMHO. Please stop and consider the ramifications of your actions to ALL concerned parties next time.
Geez, I was just looking for some bad names to call my neighbors, I didn’t want to get them arrested or anything.

32

She lives with her husband, but we don’t think she actually takes medication. We just joke that when she is not acting up, she must be taking her medication.

33

We would, but burning is legal here. There is nothing the cops can do.

34

fotosbyfrank, you are a complete HERO and anyone who doesn’t think so is an asshole! :smiley:

People like you describe, and the guy down the street from me (maybe the same guy, it sure sounds like him) deserve what comes down on them.

I only wish I had read your story 2 weeks ago, when AssNugget McNeighbor was on vacation. All I would have needed then was some dope seeds!

He’s back now. :frowning: (but he’s gotta leave sometime!)

Frank, you are an inspiration!

“Lets get them meek bastards NOW!”

35

Their daughter stole a Jewish marriage proposal?

Oy!

36

Damn, the thread dies just after another of my jokes. Maybe I should rethink this whole “humour” thing.

37

Um… did you maybe mean a Jewish divorce?

(I’m thinking the joke was on the word “get”, right?)

Or am I being somehow whooshed?

38

Or, as in they would stereotypically only want to marry a doctor?

39

So sue me, my humour is firmly rooted in the Catskills of the 1950s.

40

Frank, I think you did a GREAT job of getting even with your Stepford neighbors. :))

Those who think he was in the wrong for planting the seeds…think about all the WORSE things he could have done. If what he did to his ex-neighbors resulted in them becoming better people for it, it all worked out. If they aren’t, then maybe the next person they move next door to will be ten times worse than they are.