This is a letter I sorta wrote to myself that I thought I would share. I guess I’m hoping for some sort of catharsis from posting it for public consumption. Pathetic though that may be. I don’t know if such a thing is allowed on this board, but if not, I wouldn’t argue with locking it down.
*To SMS,
You may ask why it is I’ve stopped talking to you. Why I haven’t send an email or a letter or even a text in so long? The truth is that I was ashamed of how I treated you and how I lost something that I never ever should considered treating with the contempt that I did. I guess that you’re seeing someone else now and if he makes you happy, then I don’t have the right to question it. Its cliché I guess, but I really do want you to be happy. You deserve it. I wish I could have been the one to be there to make you smile, but I didn’t earn that consideration for that right based on my actions and inactions. I do have to say, even with the little time we spent together and with the little time I got to know you, there are some things I can say about you.
You were the most interesting person I ever met. That may not sound like much of a compliment, but I pretty much consider it the highest praise imaginable. I never met anyone else who’s every word and story out of their lips could open such a whole new world to me and whose voice I never wanted to stop hearing. You were and are mysterious and smart and I think you made me a more complete person even just by being my friend. I never understood what that was worth until I lost it. I thought that maybe I was just infatuated by your exoticness and your beauty and all those pretty shallow things. But then you were gone and the thing I missed the most was your voice, how you told a story, and how you made me feel like I was only person in the room listening to it. I wish I could say I was young and I didn’t know any better, but that’s not true. I knew better than to neglect you the way that I did. I just didn’t do it and there’s no apology I can give that would make that right. You made me feel like I was the most important person in the room, even if you didn’t realize it and I took that for granted. I don’t know if I can expect anyone to make me feel like that again. This is my loss and my cross to forever bear.
Its true, you lived 1200 miles away. I wanted to be there with you every chance I got but the circumstances that I should have fought harder against will keep us separate forever. I didn’t understand what you were and what you deserved under I lost any realistic chance of seeing you again. I pray that someday I will be able to forgive myself for that, but I don’t know that I deserve any forgiveness. I hurt you and I disrespected you. I took you for granted and there’s not a day that goes by that I don’t grow dimmer and colder inside from what I did. It’s likely never see each other again. We may never even speak again. This is not a letter you will ever read because I couldn’t live with myself on the off chance that it should cause you any pain or anger. My own whiny bullshit is my own responsibility. I will post this anonymously for some sort of self-deluded catharsis and maybe someone will read it and understand what it is like to lose someone as magical as you are because they didn’t respect what they had until it was gone. I won’t lie and say I don’t envy whomever you’re with and I pray to whatever fate controls all of us that he will treats you better than I ever did. If someday in the future where you should ever feel sad and come across this pure self-loathing bullshit letter, just remember that you once brought an unimaginable light to my life and it’s a light I will be searching for as long as I believe in hope and second chances.
May the smile that will never leave my thoughts, never leave your lips. *
I treated my first long-term girlfriend like shit. Even though I don’t hold the same feelings for her as you have for your lost love, the level of guilt that I felt was huge - particularly after I’d suffered similar behaviour from a partner as I gave to my ex. It totally changed my outlook and I grew up a lot.
I was lucky to see her at a party, ten years after everything, and get a chance to apologise. She forgave me and said it was water under the bridge. That forgiveness meant a hell of a lot.
Have you considered emailing an apology (not what you’ve written above, a frank apology that doesn’t imply you’re still in love with her).
I understand the need to post this. I can’t offer much in the way of comfort. The tired old cliche that time will help is true, but of little help to you right now.
FWIW, I think someone capable of expressing what you did, is probably not doomed to a life without a future partner. But that too is probably of little help right now.
So keep writing if it helps. Writing helps me. I’ll keep reading.
Thank you. Though I wasn’t drunk at all last night, I really don’t remember much of writing this. Which is actually kind of frightening. I had some really pent up things that seemed to come to a head last night and this is what was the result- a stream of conscious whine fest. Now looking over what I wrote, I’m embarrassed that I came across that whiny and desperate. I went all drama queen there for a situation that doesn’t require it. It was a relationship that went bad because of my own stupid actions and the situation with work and distance that both me and my ex were sort of forced into by own career choices.
To answer an earlier question, I did apologize for my actions to my ex, but it was more or less too late at that point. The relationship was practically not existent and due to our distance apart, it wasn’t gonna get much of a chance to rekindle. It kind of gradually faded away. Which I think is the worst part because I didn’t get the closure I needed. Currently, we have no communication so I don’t think me trying to get back into her good graces is gonna really do much good. I wish it would, but thats not my sense of the situation.
But that’s life and I got some things off my chest anonymously on a message board and some people read it and it served its cathartic purpose. Time to move on.
Not at all. My motives are purely selfish. If you’ve seen any of my recent posts, you can see that I need all the good karma I can get.
I should probably just shut up since I’m probably going to activate someones gag reflex soon by being too nice.
But seriously anytime.
I have been up since three am. Which means I have been playing on the dope today for over five hours. Egads! I have a deck to paint.
You’d be surprised how much closure simple words can create, however long after the event that engendered them. We are talking closure, though, not attempts to rekindle. I’ve received, and given, sincere apologies for long-gone misdeeds, and it’s never errant. You may find the other person doesn’t remember things being nearly as dramatic for themselves as for YOU, which is kind of ego-deflating, but still. It helps. Hope it helped you to share here, even if you can’t justify sending it to the intended party.
