Once more, you’ve hurt one of your kids, made a promise that you didn’t keep. Jenny’s wedding was yesterday. Did you totally forget or did you once more decide that you’re latest romantic flame is more important? Do you have any idea how hurt she is? Or do you just stumble from one alcohol and drug-filled fling to the next, not comprehending that your actions are hurting others.
How these kids can maintain the slightest bit of hope that you will one day start acting like you give a shit about them is beyond me. You left when they were 13, 11, and 9 years old. You’ve missed every important event in their lives since then. Every damn one! You managed to not show up to all 3 high school graduations, even though I made damn certain that you knew about them. You’ve missed 2 college graduations so far, and I’ll bet dollars to pesos that next year you won’t make it to Kristi’s graduation either. You didn’t get to see how proud Andy was when he landed a great job in Houston right out of college. You missed his being the youngest ever to win the local fishing tournament. You missed Kristy getting second place in the state for gymnastics. You missed her constantly babbling for 4 months about how wonderful her first boyfriend was. It was precious. You missed Jenny making first chair flute in the region. She practiced for hours a day determined to make a spot in the regional orchestra. You missed her tears of joy when she found out that, not only had she made it, but she was first chair! These are all things a mother should not miss.
Now you didn’t show up to Jenny’s wedding. Lori, she spent a whole day on the phone tracking you down to invite you. She called anyone and everyone who might have a clue where you are these days. In all honesty, I was secretly hoping she wouldn’t find you so she wouldn’t be disappointed when you didn’t show. I don’t understand how a mother can abandon her kids. And yes, Lori, they are your kids. I promised when I married you to treat your children as if they were my own and I have. I couldn’t love them anymore than I already do. I’m very protective of them and I get enraged when someone, even their mother, hurts them. What do you think it does to them when their real father and mother both have abandoned them? I can tell you that many a tear has been shed in this house over the years.
If it was just me, I would be happy never even hearing your name again. But it isn’t just me!!! I have 3 beautiful children that I’m tired of seeing hurt. I noticed yesterday that Jenny kept watching the door, throughout the service and the reception. She was looking for you. I asked her during the father-daughter dance if she was okay. No sooner did the question come out of my mouth and she started fighting back tears. It broke my heart to see my little girl hurt like that once more.
Lori, I’ve forgiven you for the way you left. I’ve forgiven you for all the lies you spread throughout my family and friends about why you were leaving. But I can’t forgive you for abandoning your children.
Your post brought tears to my eyes. While nothing can replace a mother, at least the children had you. Some children don’t have either. As for your ex-wife, unfortunately drugs and alcohol can remove all human sentiment from a human. She is obviously very sick, probably through her own actions and decisions. But viewing her as a sick person should help reduce the pain of each sting
No, it really doesn’t reduce the hurt or the pain of any of the stings. It’s just an excuse to keep the behavior going. “Oh I’m sick and can’t help myself.” Well, gee, when I’m sick, I go to the doctor. I get help. I don’t just make everyone else’s life evolve around my self-inflicted misery. There is nothing more painful than watching a person destroy themselves and everyone around them and using “illness” as an excuse for doing it. I’m sorry to be so vehement, and I know you’re trying to say the right thing and help, but having “been there” with people who don’t want help, who don’t have a problem with their problem, it just doesn’t help. All it does is focus more pity and attention onto the person who is already wallowing in their own self-serving crap and take the focus off the very real hurt and chaos of the people who are paying the consequences of the “sick” person’s behavior.
I can’t understand why any mother, hell, any parent could behave that way towards their children. Thank all the good forces in the universe that they have you. I hope your daughter had a wonderful day and there’s many more of them to come for your family.
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No, it really doesn’t reduce the hurt or the pain of any of the stings. It’s just an excuse to keep the behavior going. “Oh I’m sick and can’t help myself.” Well, gee, when I’m sick, I go to the doctor. I get help. I don’t just make everyone else’s life evolve around my self-inflicted misery. There is nothing more painful than watching a person destroy themselves and everyone around them and using “illness” as an excuse for doing it. I’m sorry to be so vehement, and I know you’re trying to say the right thing and help, but having “been there” with people who don’t want help, who don’t have a problem with their problem, it just doesn’t help. All it does is focus more pity and attention onto the person who is already wallowing in their own self-serving crap and take the focus off the very real hurt and chaos of the people who are paying the consequences of the “sick” person’s behavior.
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I think you are both right. It does help me in some small way to realize that my ex-wife is sick. Or maybe it’s just that I don’t care anymore. The only reason I wish for her to “get well” (for lack of a better term) is for the kids.
On the other hand, she has used the excuse many times of “I’m sick, I can’t help it.” This always pegs my bullshit meter. If she truly believed she was sick, and not using mental illness as an excuse, she would be seeking help. I’ve even offered to pay for a 28-day stay in a drug rehab since she has no insurance. It was almost scary how fast she turned that offer down.
I’m sos orry your kids are having to deal with this. I strongly recommend getting to some Al-Anon meetigns if you havent already, and encouraging them to go as well.
Addiction isn’t the end of the story though. It sounds like she is a person without a conscience. I recently read that 1 in 33 men and 1 in 100 women are sociopaths. that works out to about 1 in 25 people. It sure explains a lot.
the fact is that millions of people manage even to deal with drug and alcohol addiction while stillc aring about the effect they are having ont he lives of their loved ones. Those who don’t care dont egt well. Why should they?
What I’m trying to say, I guess, is that she is her own punishment, and that’s unlikely to change. It’s really important that the kids find a way to accept what she is (or what she isn’t) and stop being hurt again and again. “Jenny” deserves to pass her milestones happily.
Pdoul - Your kids have a true parent, if not a biological one, in you. But they do need help if they still have the illusion that their mother will ever be there for them.
TruCelt - 1 in 33 and 1 in 100 come up to 1 in 66, not 1 in 25.
I’m so sorry for your pain. It is tragic to have someone like your ex in your life. But you have the kids, and they are a positive thing. I cannot imagine the pain your daughter carried in her heart on her wedding day.
As noted above, your ex is her own punishment. I don’t feel one speck of empathy for her, other than thinking that yes, God most certainly DOES screw up in his creations (if you believe in that kind of thing).
But isn’t that assuming a group consisting of 100 women and 33 men? Wouldn’t you have to make the groups even to have any kind of “real world” meaning to it? Like a group of 100 women and a group of 100 men? Which would be 4/100 or 1/50?
[Sorry for the math hijack, I’m just genuinely interested because I don’t understand math well. To the OP: I applaud you for what you’ve done, and feel so sad for your daughter. My father chose to not attend my first wedding and I’m still devastated by it, almost 20 years later.)
Since I rarely talk to her anymore, I really don’t know what she is like today, but at one time she had a very good sense of right and wrong. It’s one of the things that originally attracted me to her. Maybe her daily ritual of numbing the brain has taken that away.
Yes, all 3 are holding on to the hope that she will one day be there for them. In all probability, that’s my fault. I encouraged them to have that hope. It seemed to make it easier at the time. I don’t know if that was the best thing to do or not. Teaching children how to deal with an absent, addict mother wasn’t in my parenting guide.
To all others…thanks for the kind and encouraging words. I’m really starting to like this place.
I hope someday that your kids can find a way to fill the holes their mother has left in their lives, Pduol. I’m sure that having a loving father helps immeasurably.
Maybe now is the time to start letting them know more of the score; kids aren’t stupid, and they aren’t blind; having you affirm what they know is going on might be a huge relief to them. I don’t think having unrealistic expectations is helping your kids.
Pduol, you are a great guy. I hope you find a way to keep your ex from hurting the family any more. I think that your children are going to have to accept that their mother is unable (either by choice or not) to be there for them.
And for the math hijack I think that OpalCat is statistically correct that it’s 1 out of 50 people assuming men and women each make up a 50% section of the population
At the time, it probably was the best thing to do. Now it sounds like the kids are all old enough to know better and it might be time to have a little discussion about reality.
