A letter to my mother

The BBQ Pit
1

I am not you. It might sound so simple, but you never take it into account. I was not born in India. I may be the only child of Indian parents, but I was born in Britain and I think in English. I know my skin is a different colour from the goreh. You think I care I’m not white?
I know you’re afraid for me. I know, and I love you for it. You want the best for me. I understand.

I know you think the best thing for me is to grow up and study medicine, like you did, like my father did. I know I’ve got the intelligence to do so. But did you ever consider that’s not what I want to do? Did you ever think of my opinion?

I want to be a journalist. I can write - did you know that? It’s an actual talent I appear to possess. I went to see all the careers advisors - they said I had the talent and the motivation and basically, I should go for it.

I know you didn’t like my A-level options. I tried to compromise - I chose English, Politics, Physics and Chemistry. I can still do medicine. But you went ahead and changed my options. I don’t want to do Biology, I want to do Physics. But you changed it anyway.

I said I had a dream, a goal, an ambition. You said none of that mattered so long as I got a job. I’d never get a job as a journalist, I wasn’t white enough. You said you were losing me as a daughter and that you were afraid I’d drift away from you altogether. You said you never had a good relationship with my father and you didn’t want the same thing to happen with me.

I said I couldn’t be a doctor, because not only did I not want to be one, it would be wrong. Because people who grow up to be good doctors have vocations. I don’t. I don’t want to do medicine. I want to write. I want to be a journalist, a copywriter, anything… just not a doctor. Please.

You said nothing but you implied so much. And you scared me.

So I thought I should make a choice, make a sacrifice, whatever. I’ll be a doctor. You said I’d better really mean it, better be doing it happily, or it wasn’t worth it. I tried to think about it happily.

[You might have noticed at that point I stopped reading newspapers and refused to watch the news. But then again you might not have noticed, you don’t want to know so many things about me]

I tried and tried and tried. I tried to make myself want to be a doctor, and make myself happy just by thinking it. It’s been three months now. And people around me are beginning to think I’m depressed. They think it’s seasonal because it does always happen at this time of year, but for once it’s not just that.
I’m really and honestly depressed. And I don’t think you’ve noticed.

So… yeah. I tried. I really tried. But I can’t be who you want me to be and I’m sorry. Maybe it would be better if I weren’t here at all.
I tried. I did try. I can’t cope any more. I’d like to talk to someone but there isn’t anyone. And I can’t talk to you, not that I ever could. You always used to say, you must tell me everything. But I can’t do that.

That’s it.
And I love you. I do. I just can’t cope any more.

2

Oh dear. I wish I had some magic words for you, Loneraven.

The only thing I can think to say, is this: Stick to your guns. You can’t live your life for anyone else, you know this.

You are probably also aware that your mother is perceiving the world through the eyes of her own prejudice, her own fears. We all do this. She can’t help it and needs to be treated gently, with care. It sounds like you know that, too.

And it also sounds like she knows very well that if you make a choice that’s not right for you, you may never be happy. Isn’t that a hopeful sign? Maybe she could accept your choice, one day?

Realistically, what do you think the worst case scenario would be if you just forged ahead and did your own thing?

3

I hope you find a way to ignore her ‘advice’ and do what YOU want to. I can’t see anyone being happy otherwise - except maybe her. You deserve to be able to live your own life. :frowning:

4

Loneraven, I feel your pain. I can relate to you very very well, since you could be describing my situation about 6 years ago, when I told my parents that no, I didn’t want to be a barrister or solicitor, but I wanted to be an astrophysicist. I got all the same arguments; that the goreh wouldn’t accept me as an astrophysicist, that I wouldn’t suceed with it because my skin was the wrong colour, and that physics really wasn’t the best subject choice for a good Indian girl.

But, I knew I wouldn’t be happy as a lawyer, and I told my mother as much. She was not happy. She tried to make me change my options, to keep them open so that when “I regained my senses”, I could still make a good career for myself. Well, being the stubborn young woman that I am ( I really am my mother’s daughter!), I refused to change from physics. All my degree options on the UCAS form were for physics. I had a supportive tutor who basically told my parents, “this is what she wants, she’s good at it, she’ll do well.”

They relented, eventually. I have a good career now (Well, I’m an astrophysicist), and they’re proud of me. The point of my long rambling tale? Your parents want what they think is best for you. A lot of times, especially with Indian parents bringing up children in the west, they’re completely wrong. I forged my own path, and I’d told my parents I would do it with or without their blessing. They gave in and let me follow my dream.

You’ve got to stand up for yourself. I know its easy to say, but I’ve done it in very similar circumstances. It won’t be easy, but at the end of the day, its your life, and your decisions. You’re the one who’s going to have to live with these choices, not her. It took me a long time to realise this, and even now, she thinks that she still has some control over me (like telling me I can’t go into the office in the evening when I have deadlines to meet). Hang in there, and, I cannot stress this enough:

Its your life, not hers. Its your dream, not hers. At the end of the day, you have to do what’s going to make you happy. If your family love you as much as they say they do, they will be happy with your career choices if it makes you happy.

Trust me on this one, and if you need any advice, or just need to chat, my email address is in my profile.

Angua

5

I go to a university that’s stuffed to the gills with the children of Asian and Indian immigrants, pre-med because their families refuse to allow them to be anything else.

Some break away. Some don’t. Some switch to majoring in philosophy or history or writing seminars after their first year, after long-distance shouting matches. Some stick grimly to their pre-med curriculum until graduation, then never go to medical school. Some eventually do become doctors. I worry about them.

If you really want to be a writer, she can’t stop you. You might end up being a writer with an MD, or a writer with a very strong science background, but if you don’t give it up, you’ll end up where you want to be. And yes, she WILL forgive you.

6

Your mother’s job is to try to guide you in the way that she thinks best. Your job is to decide for yourself. If you are to have self-respect for all of your life, make your own decisions – especially on such important issues. That’s the only way to discover who you are!

Be kind and firm and strong. Continue to let your mother know that you love and respect her. But refuse to argue with her about it.

An American essayist by the name of Emerson said it this way: “Nothing is at last sacred but the integrity of your own mind.”

7

I agree with what everyone else has said. Please think of how you’ll feel 10 or 20 years down the road if you don’t follow your heart and go with the profession you feel passionate about. Trust me, the “what if’s” will be there and you’ll constantly wonder how your life could have been different if you had done what you wanted instead of what your mother wanted. I’m sure she means well. She’s not doing this out of malice. She just wants what she thinks is best for you. You’ll just have to let her know (tactfully, of course) that this is your life and you know yourself well enough to do what’s best for you.

8

You must do what you want and need to do. You MUST.

Of course your mum and dad think they know what’s best for you, but they’re behind the times. There are plenty of Asian broadcast journalists on the news, if they’d bother to see them. Things change down the generations. Fear of not fitting in or fear of being thrown out of the country and having to make a new living elsewhere doesn’t apply these days. I wonder how one might go about getting your parents to see that. Perhaps the best way would be to follow your dream and show them by example.

I’m angry that your mother changed your A level options. This is something one simply does not do. Please try very hard not to let her get away with doing anything like this again.

Look forward a few years. The important thing is to try your best to be happy and successful. When you’re a happy and successful journalist, your mum and dad will (hopefully) be happy for you. The more you follow your own heart, and the more you stand up for yourself, the happier you’ll be, and the happier your parents will be able to be for you. You MUST do it for your own sake, and, oddly enough, for their sake too.