Is it just me or is the vibe around this place positively toxic today. All this talk of board wars, trolls, bannings, animal abuse and people arguing the merits of really really loving your pets is just so fucking depressing.
Come on make me smile. I dare you.
:carelessly tosses a banana peel:
You want me to make you smile? What will you be asking next? I’m getting out of here right n-owwwwww
:slips and lands flat on face:
“Mmmmm, bananas.”
Oh, sorry, is that part of what you find fucking depressing?
:slinks away, mumbling to self:
Poor Ole. His generosity knows no bounds, but sadly, his intelligence does.
He just donated $500 to a collection being taken for the widow of the Unknown Soldier.
Your next post will be your 2000th. Does that give you a warm fuzzy?
NO this post feels like a hollow victory.
I first reached post # 2002 on the 20th of February, 2002 at 2002. (well it was 3 minutes after eight instead of 2 but the sentiment was the same)
Some things are never as good as the first time.
:Sigh:
Oh hell I’m here; I might as well.
: Runs naked through thread:
Then again some things get better every time. 
<Strolls nonchalantly onto the thread, leading a camel.>
Nudity? I’m up for that. Lemmee take this bridle off Fatima.
Anybody have any eggs?
The f*cking sun was out today;
I am depressed.
Growing up in Seattle can do that to a person, the sun is EVIL MAN I TELL YA THE SUN IS EEEVIIILL!!!
Heh.
Anyways, the rain cheers me up, sun makes me get HORRIBLY lengthchargic and depressed.
Doesn’t help any that over the last few years thanks to WAAY to muchc omptue rusage I have developed a nice case of sensitivity to sunlight. . . .
Well, since you’re naked 
:
A man was sitting in the bar when he noticed another patron a few stools away. The guy had a body like Charles Atlas, but his head was the size of a thimble.
The first man said, “Please excuse me for staring, but I can’t help but be curious as to why your body is so well developed, but your head is so small?”
The man said, “Buy me a drink and I’ll tell you.”
The drink was ordered and the story began. “I was in the navy and my ship was sunk by a torpedo. I was the only survivor and I managed to make it to a deserted island a few miles away. I had been there alone for several months and was sitting on the beach one day waiting for a bird or fish to come by so I would have something to eat, looking up I saw a beautiful mermaid sunning on a nearby rock. She swam over to me and informed me that she was a magical mermaid and could grant me three wishes. ‘Great,’ I said. ‘I’d like to be rescued.’”
“She slapped the water with her tail and a ship appeared, sailing straight for my island. Next I asked for a body like Charles Atlas. Another slap of the tail and here it is. Then, noticing how beautiful she was and all my other wishes fulfilled I asked if I could make love to her. She said no that it just wouldn’t work her being half fish and all. So I said, ‘Well, how about a little head then?’”
<Attempts to disentangle lawn chairs, then finally gives up and sits on the ground a safe distance away from them. Opens his picnic basket and takes out a large bottle of lemonade and a plate of devilled eggs>
So, when does the next show start?
Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers.
Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: ‘Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!’
Whistle the first seven notes of ‘It’s a Small World’ incessantly.
Sell Girl Scout cookies.
On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
Shave.
Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: ‘Got enough air in there?’
Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator Wear yours upside-down.
Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
Lean over to another passenger and whisper: ‘Noogie patrol coming!’
Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
One word: Flatulence!
On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go ‘plink’ at the bottom.
Do Tai Chi exercises.
Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: ‘I’ve got new socks on!’
When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: ‘Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!’
Give religious tracts to each passenger.
Meow occasionally.
Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
Frown and mutter ‘gotta go, gotta go’ then sigh and say ‘oops!’
Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
Sing ‘Mary had a little lamb’ while continually pushing buttons.
Holler ‘Chutes away!’ whenever the elevator descends.
Walk on with a cooler that says ‘human head’ on the side.
Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce ‘You’re one of THEM!’ and move to the far corner of the elevator.
Burp, and then say ‘mmmm…tasty!’
Leave a box between the doors.
Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers ‘through’ it.
Start a sing-along.
When the elevator is silent, look around and ask ‘is that your beeper?’
Play the harmonica.
Shadow box.
Say ‘Ding!’ at each floor.
Lean against the button panel.
Say ‘I wonder what all these do’ and push the red buttons.
Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your ‘personal space’.
Bring a chair along.
Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: ‘Wanna see wha in muh mouf?’
Blow spit bubbles.
Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
Announce in a demonic voice: ‘I must find a more suitable host body’
Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
Wear ‘X-Ray Specs’ and leer suggestively at other passengers.
Stare at your thumb and say ‘I think it’s getting larger’
If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler ‘Bad touch!’
Two fonts walk into a bar. Bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve your type.”
I probably heard that here.
:0
It’s Saturday morning and Bob’s just about to set off on a round of golf when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that a repair man is coming to fix the dishwasher around noon. So Bob heads back to the clubhouse and phones home.
“Hello?” says a little girl’s voice.
“Hi, honey, it’s Daddy,” says Bob. “Is Mommy near the phone?”
“No, Daddy. She’s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank.” After a brief pause, Bob says, “But you haven’t got an Uncle Frank, honey!”
“Yes, I do, and he’s upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!”
“Okay, then. Here’s what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Frank that my car’s just pulled up outside the house.”
“Okay, Daddy!” A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. “Well, I did what you said, Daddy.”
“And what happened?”
“Well, Mommy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she’s all dead.”
“Oh, my God! What about Uncle Frank?”
“He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too, and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool. But he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he’s dead too.”
There is a long pause. Finally Bob says, ‘‘Swimming pool? Is this 555-7039?’’
A guy goes into a public washroom and has to use the only available urinal, between two elderly men. He glances to his left and sees the guy pissing, but there are two streams.
“What the hell is that?” he asks.
“War wound. I took a bullet in the penis in North Africa. They were able to save my dick but they had to leave two holes”
Then the guy looks to his right and sees… three streams!
“What the hell is that?”
“War wound. Germany, bullet in the penis, left three holes.”
The two veterans then look over at the guy in the middle and see… 12 streams!
“War wound??”
“Naah, my zipper’s stuck”
BAKED STUFFED CHICKEN
6-7 lb. chicken
1 cup melted butter
1 cup stuffing
1 cup uncooked popcorn
salt/pepper to taste
Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Brush chicken well with melted butter, salt and pepper. Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn. Place in baking pan with the neck end toward the back of the oven. Listen for popping sounds. When the chicken’s ass blows the oven door open and the chicken flies across the room, it’s done.
(I was going to do this this morning, but ran out of time)
::Runs naked through thread. Slips on banana feel and gets a good 3 feet of altitude before falling and landing on no feet. Picks self up, tries to look like she (I?) intended to do that::
What? You mean there isn’t a hot tub at the end of the thread? Rats!!
::Checks to see if there are any male Dopers looking::
CJ
Anyone wanna see my petard?
Only if we can hoist you by it Euty.
Thinks about streaking through thread
Looks at all the Dopers who tried
:eek:
Creeps discreetly out of thread
Slips on an unnoticed banana peel anyways and slides right out
YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaa[sub]aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa…[/sub]
Soup Nagasaki:
Preheat oven to 500 degrees. Hotter if it will go that hot.
Put two unopened cans of Campbell’s soup in oven.
Be in another ZIP code in a half hour.