Dear mommy. I love you very much and I can’t wait to see you at Thanksgiving.
I think you’re a good mommy, and you’ve done wonderful things in raising my sister and I, who are both suffering from weird mental instabilities (but they aren’t your fault).
I love to talk to you on the phone and chit chat about our day.
But mom
MOM
Your reluctance to suspend your disbelief in the face of a joke is something you must MUST work on. There are a lot of jokes out there in the world that involve talking animals, ducks, dogs, millipedes, fish, frogs, cats…in the context of a JOKE, we must accept that in some parallel joke universe…animals can talk, and get married, and wear clothes, and write books, and go shopping. OK?
Just accept it.
Don’t bring me down after relaying a three minute narrative joke by pausing and saying:
This guy lives alone and was feeling a bit lonely,so he goes to the pet shop to get something to keep him company. The pet shop owner suggested an unusual pet- a talking millipede.
“OK” thought the man,“I’ll give it a go…” so he bought the millipede,took it home,and for the lack of advance preparations made it a temporary home in a cardboard box.
That evening, testing his new pet, he leaned over the closed box and said, “I’m going to the pub for a drink, do you want to come too?”
He waited a few moments but there was no reply. He tried again, “Hey millipede,wanna come to the boozer with me???” Again, no response.
Disgusted by his gullible nature in buying the millipede, he decided to give it one more try before retuning it to the pet shop. So he got real close to the box and repeated rather loudly,…“I SAID I’M GOING TO THE PUB FOR A DRINK. DO YOU WANT TO COME?”
“For god’s sake I heard you the first time!!” snapped the millipede, “I’m just putting my shoes on…”
A guy is sitting at home one night watching TV. He hears a knock at the door, but when he gets up out of his comfy chair to answer it, there’s no one there. Only a snail on the doormat. Pissed, the guy picks up the snail and hurls it across the yard.
A year later, the guy is once again settled into his comfy chair and hears another knock. He answers the door.
“What the hell was that all about?” says the snail.
Holy shit! You mean millipedes can’t talk? What about that huge one that I tried to smoosh with my shoe last year? You know, the one that looked me right in the eye and said, “I don’t think so, asshole.”
Don’t you hate it when you’re composing a smart-ass reply and someone comes along and totally ruins it by explaining things.
I don’t have any duck/show jokes either, but I like this one, who knows, the ducks may have been wearing shoes:
A man is driving a pick-up truck down the road with a bunch of ducks standing in the back. A police officer pulls over the driver and informs him that he is speeding and then asks him where does he think he’s going with all those ducks. The driver says that he just doesn’t know what to do anymore. The officer says, “Look, there’s a zoo not far from there and that’s where you should be taking them. That will take care of your problem.” The man thanks the officer and drives off with his ducks.
The next day the officer again sees the pick-up truck once again speeding down the road. This time, though, all the ducks in the back are standing there with sunglasses. The officer pulls over the driver over and says, “I thought I told you to take them to the zoo!” “I did that,” said the driver, “but now they want to go to the beach!”
A duck walks into a bookstore and waddles up to the counter.
“Got any bananas?” asks the duck.
“No,” says the guy behind the counter. “Get out of here. We’re not supposed to have animals in here.”
“Okay,” says the duck, and waddles out.
Five minutes later the duck waddles back into the store.
“Got any bananas?” asks the duck.
“No!” says the guy. “Get out of here!”
“Okay,” says the duck, and waddles out.
Five minutes later the duck waddles back into the store.
“Got any bananas?” asks the duck.
“No!” says the guy. “Get out of here! And if you come back, I’m going to nail your shoes to the floor!”
“Okay,” says the duck, and waddles out.
Five minutes later the duck waddles back into the store.
“Got any nails?” asks the duck.
“Umm… no?” says the guy behind the counter.
“Got any bananas?” asks the duck.
