A minor confrontation with a beggar

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

A man approached me as I got out of my car in the parking lot. He asked for money, and I told him no. I felt like it was an awkward situation for both of us, but I looked him in the eyes as I told him no, because we’re both adults and I don’t want to give him the impression that I’m just ignoring him.

Maybe making eye contact made it more uncomfortable, but it’s who I am. Blunt, direct, unambiguous, probably to a fault.

His expression darkened and his eyes narrowed, and he said, “Why are you acting like I’m harassing you?” I can empathize with him. I know he’s saying this because he’s self conscious, and he feels diminished for having to ask for help, and now he wants to recover some self esteem by trying to make me feel bad, or intimidating me, or whatever. There’s nothing I can say to make this better, so I keep my mouth shut.

That wasn’t good enough, because the guy took a step toward me with his best menacing scowl. I really didn’t want to fight this guy, mostly because I’ve received more than my fair share of beatings in my life, and I’m not at all sure I have it in me to beat this guy.

But I’m also not afraid of him at all, and I think that showed. He muttered “fuck you, pussy,” but he didn’t take another step. He walked away, and that was that.

Overall, it was a very minor, almost insignificant moment in both of our lives. But for some reason, I couldn’t help but wonder how that would have gone down if I were a 110 pound woman, instead of a 250 pound man. I had just read a feminist post on reddit, and coincidentally also just heard a comedy routine from Louis CK about the subject (There is no greater threat to women than men. We’re the worst thing that ever happens to them!)

I can’t really explain why that situation triggered the thought, “How would he have reacted to a woman doing the same thing I just did?” I have some confusing and conflicting opinions about it too. I simultaneously recognize that women pay a higher price to be assertive, while also realizing that even having that thought is a bit misogynistic, just assuming that women need or even want my sympathy or protection.

TLDR: Beggar being an asshole led to a bit of self-reflection. As mundane and pointless as it gets.

2

I think people that far down in life are not worth judging or trying to figure out. I think the points you raised are valid, but, we can’t expect desperate people to make sense, be logical, or act correctly. If we must, we may have to put them in jail or some other institution but it’s not like you are having a misunderstanding with a co worker or neighbor in full capacity of their mental faculties and a nice warm bed to sleep in.

3

I have been on both sides of this equation. Sorry to hear about the “menacing” aspect.

No means “No”. I would walk away, thanks anyway.

It is very humbling and humiliating to ask for money from strangers for nothing but a cup of coffee. I have a list of folks who gladly helped me on my travels (travails), I offered them to pay them back by getting their name and phone number - when I could - but 99 percent of them said “No problem”.
I wouldn’t worry about it. But there are crazies out there and this sounds like desperation AKA CRAYZY.
Living on the streets takes a toll. If I have some pocket-change… here you go!
BTDT.
You just might meet a physicist who defected from <insert country here> or a lunatic.

4

I think what triggered this reaction in the beggar was the way the you said no, but I’m sure you realize this. Most people who aren’t going to give to beggars either generally ignore them, letting their humility be largely ignored, or they’ll say something apologetic, “sorry, I don’t have any change”, which shows some pity and compassion. By being blunt, it probably put him more face to face with his situation and made him feel like you were looking down on him. Yeah, it seems a little odd to get aggressive like that as a beggar, but the kind of desperation that would lead someone to begging probably doesn’t leave one in the most rational of minds.

As for how he might have reacted to a woman, I suspect that a woman, in general, is more likely to give the apologetic response, whereas I think a man would be more likely to either bluntly say no or just ignore him, which would presumably defuse the situation before it started. Maybe the fact that she is a woman wouldn’t have come across as challenging to him as a man, particularly a larger man, saying no to him. And perhaps my experience is off, being a generally physically imposing man myself, that a woman, particularly a smaller one, would be more aware of her surroundings and potential threats, and thus also take the extra precautions to defuse the situation or avoid a response that might be seen as aggressive.

5

This is almost exactly what I was thinking (in retrospect - not at the time) about the situation. I just realized that when I do something like stare down a guy bothering me on the street, it doesn’t cost me anything. It doesn’t take any courage for me to do it, and in fact it just makes me kind of an asshole. But a woman would be risking a lot more by asserting herself in the same way I did. A minor faux pas for me could have been real danger for her, and it’s probably like that all the time.

I just think it would be stressful to have to live like that - always having to carefully calculate your response to people so they don’t think you’re teasing, or being a bitch, or being “moody” or whatever.

6

It’s fairly common for professional beggars to be aggressive.

And by the way, a lot of those people are not homeless, regardless of what they claim. Some of them make enough money by begging that they can have all the booze and cigarettes they want, and still have enough left over to rent a motel room long-term.

Some people here in Colorado Springs who work full-time with the homeless have learned some really interesting things. Just about the very worst thing you can do for your community is to give cash to a beggar.

7

Thanks for the empathy, Mosier; it is stressful to live that way. However, I have discovered that one of the (few) benefits of getting old is that as an old woman I am pretty much invisible to almost everyone, and so don’t have to be quite so careful of what I say. The vast majority of younger people (that is, most) is that I didn’t actually say anything.

8

I knew a dude that was (handicapped) in Houston that flew a sign on the intersection of I-45 and FM1960.
Nicest guy in the world, never confronted anybody that I knew about, but sometimes made 200 to 300 dollars a day. Just standing there with his cardboard.

9

I never give cash. I usually have some fruit or bread in my bag, and I will offer that.

While waiting for a bus, a man (drunk) asked me for 10 pesos to buy tortillas. I replied, there is a tortilla factory close. Lets go buy some tortillas. He said, “Oh, I don’t like their tortillas”. I don’t think his problem was hunger.

Well, if it is a woman, nursing a baby, asking for cash, I will always give it.

10

I have had similar incidents with “beggars” in my area. I think that being a bit aggressive is their only way to assert themselves into a world that they are living on the fringes of.

As far as the point you raised about what if you had been a 110 pound woman instead of a 250 man, well, based on what I have experienced with my wife in these circumstances… it is MUCH worse on women as the “beggars” don’t back down so easily.

11

Exactly. As a relatively small, weak woman, my standard response to beggars when I’m not prepared to give is “I’m sorry.” Living in San Francisco, I have to say it multiple times every day. The only really aggressive beggars I’ve encountered are the ones that tell you a long story. I often start listening because I think they’re tourists asking for directions – it’s only as the story progresses that I realized that they’re looking for a handout. In that case, I just use “I’m sorry, I’m not able to give you anything today,” and try to escape as quickly as possible.

12

Methinks Moisier has not been there or done that and drives a BMW with a valued car-jockey in mind with a ten dollar tip.
Meh. I have more problems than this. Nice talking to you Moisier.
Good night and have a pleasant sleep. :smack:

13

I never give money to beggars, especially if they are using their children as props. It doesn’t help anyone. When I smoked, I would always give them a smoke, but not money. Usually, I say “sorry, man.” It’s a fine line you’re trying to walk where you both get out of each other’s way with as little friction.

What I’d worry about after getting into the beef with a beggar as I’m getting out of my car, he could come back and kick the crap out of the car. I had a really intense run in with a beggar in Amsterdam where the guy wouldn’t take no and was getting really aggressive. Finally, I had to stop, look him in the eye and say “I’m not giving you any money, what are we going to do now?” and he backed down, but I thought we might get in a fight.

14

I have no idea what you are on about.

15

Has not walked in those shoes or never really been in a serious altercation since gaining adulthood. or not, just guessing from me. :dubious:

16

Because you know, if you’ve never been a beggar on the street clearly you must be rich and drive a BMW.

17

That would be because he WAS harassing you. You did the right thing in turning him down.

18

Be lucky this is such an odd occurrence for you it can cause you to dissect the situation, there are so many beggars in a the city I have to go through daily I’d either go nuts analyzing their reactions when I say no or I’d need a second full time job to give them all money. It gets easier to ignore with exposure, don’t feel bad its not like you are responsible for the guys situation.

19

Last time I gave any money to anybody on the street, it was an old lady who clearly needed it, and I apologized for the amount I gave being so small (wasn’t all that well off myself). Before that, an old guy about 70. Neither of them looked like they needed it for booze. They were just up against it.

Generally what I do is walk on obliviously, as if invisible. If somebody asks if I’ve got any change to spare I’ll say “I wish I did” and walk on. Can I help somebody out? “I wish I could.” That seems to do the trick, without anybody feeling bad. If somebody’s being an asshole about it, persisting, I just say, “Sorry, all I’ve got is plastic.” Protip: never say this to anybody whom you don’t want to enrage.

20

My guess is that the OP just saw both parts of the guy’s pitch. Some people will give money when asked. Of those that don’t, some people will give money when they feel threatened. And when someone doesn’t respond to intimidation, he moves on.