I didn’t get the feeling that the confrontational part of this was a pitch. I recognized pretty quickly that the eye contact and blunt response of “no” had offended him, but by then it was too late. It was a careless thing, to not to realize that I was being a bit insensitive and jerkish until it was too late. But his reaction to it felt genuine. I don’t think he wanted to hit me, but I’d bet that he wanted make me feel like he would hit me (if that makes any sense). It was seriously just a case of empathy not kicking in quickly enough. I felt zero empathy for the guy until after I had already offended him and the damage was done.
I might surprise you. I never had to beg as an adult, but I was born to an unwed 16 year old high school dropout living in a trailer in rural Kentucky on welfare.
Yeah, I do alright now, but I do know what it’s like to be broke (but admittedly not as broke as the man in the parking lot).
It sounds like you were in that everything went in a direction which resulted n you telling us about it. But,in order to continue their conversation, could you please tell us why you need to information us about this? I have had several such situations in the past, ans if their is a reason to tell the dope all about them would be happy to detail the information — please forgive me, but pending new ideas to make me think differently I just do not see the value in me berating the Dope about these kinds of events. But feel free to correct me, maybe I am just being obtuse.
It sounds like you were in a situation important enough to you that you needed to report it and hypothesize about other scenarios in which you were a woman or whatever. But, in order to continue the conversation you started, could you please tell us why you need to inform us about this? I have had several such situations in the past, and if there is a reason to tell the dope all about them I would be happy to detail the information — please forgive me, but pending new ideas to make me think differently I just do not see the value in me berating the Dope about these kinds of events. But feel free to correct me, maybe I am just being obtuse.
Sorry for the big quote and double post. Missed the edit window and suffer from lack of keyboard here.
Like I said in the first post - this is as mundane and pointless as it gets. I was just sharing an experience I had the helped me to consider a different perspective.
And thank you for sharing. I gained a different perspective, also.
Echoing kayT, thank you for the empathy. To answer your question, based on my life experience, that man would have gotten equally or more hostile to a woman he perceived as aggressive, because she was not behaving as he had expected, so he would have wanted to put her in her place. Class differences wouldn’t have mattered.
Stepping away from the specific “interaction with a beggar” aspect, I’ll say that in every interaction I’ve ever had with a male stranger acting hostilely toward me, I’ve felt intimidated-to-frightened and have responded by trying to soothe the guy and then escaping ASAP.
The first incident that comes to mind is a time when I was a front-seat passenger in a big van parked in a parking lot, and as I opened my door to get out, the door swung open on its own and tapped the car parked next to me. It was an honest-to-God light tap of contact, but unfortunately for me, the owner of the car was nearby and saw it happen. He came toward me and shouted at me for scratching his car (there was no scratch) and called me a stupid bitch. He was a lot bigger than me (I’m 5’4") and had a friend with him, and I felt afraid. He was so angry over nothing. I just apologized a few times, never making eye contact, and hurried away.
Later on, I had fantasies about what I would have said if I had stood up for myself and told him not to talk to me like that and pointed out that there was no damage to his car. But in the moment, there was no way I could have said that, I was too intimidated. If he got so angry over something that wasn’t even real, what would he do to me if I pushed back? Now, other women would not be intimidated and would push back, but in Fight-or-Flight situations with strangers, I instinctively go with Flight.
I don’t give cash, but sometimes I will buy things for them. One time, in the middle of winter, I was going into a Dunkin Donuts, and a homeless guy asked for cash, then asked for hot chocolate. I bought him the hot chocolate, as it was very cold outside.
It’s actually less mundane and pointless than some of the stuff I’ve posted in this forum; thanks for posting.
I’m just glad this isn’t a thread where you’re all offended and can’t figure out what happened. Good on you for realizing why he responded the way he did. So many times, the post would be about “why did he get so upset?”
No one’s perfect. I’ve done something similar before, too. And it took me longer to figure out what happened. If you haven’t noticed[sup]sarcasm[/sup], I tend lose my head a bit when I get angry.
Mosier, you had better self control than I would have. I would have told him to go fuck himself, but then he can come back and key your car.
I’m with the school that believes professional beggars can be pretty well off. There was one on the way to work who used to beg for money for coffee. One day I saw him buying a wad of lottery tickets that would have choked a donkey and paying for them with a credit card.
Sympathy is a word in the dictionary. It is between shit and syphilis.
I almost always give panhandlers money. Why? Because while I’ve never lived on the street, I’ve been quite broke and people helped me out. Now I can afford to give a few bucks, so I do.
But here’s a twist I’ve added in the last few years. I fully expect many snarky, cynical, standard Doper replies to this. Have at it. But this is what I do 99% of the time.
When someone asks me for money, I reach in my purse to get it, hand it to them, and AFTER I HAND IT TO THEM I say, “Will you do something for me?” And the person ALWAYS says, “What?” And I reply, “Will you pray for me?” I first started doing this at a time when I was facing some serious health/personal problems and went around on the verge of tears all the time. The person that first time was so startled by my request that he looked up, made eye contact, and said, “What’s your name?” I told him, and he said, yes he absolutely would pray for me.
I’ve done this dozens of times over the last 15 years or so, and every single time, when I say, “Would you pray for me?” the person looks up, makes eye contact, asks me my name, and says they absolutely will pray for me. No one has ever turned away, acted embarrassed, been rude, or turned me down. No one.
It raises the transaction from a one-down person “begging” for something from someone who appears well-off to the level of two human beings who are both hurting, being able to exchange something of value, even if it’s only a buck and a few kind words.
This has happened even with with the most down-and-out, bedraggled, street person, who has been staring at the sidewalk. They look up, make eye contact, ask me my name and assure me that they will pray for me.
A couple of times, I’ve had truly memorable encounters, where the person will take my hand and pray right there and then on the street. Lest you think I’m an evangelical, speaking-in-tongues type, I’m not; I’m a Reform Jew… and we don’t go in for that sort of thing. But it is lovely to see someone rise to the request unselfconsciously in the moment, and the least I can do is keep my cool while they’re doing it.
One time, I was on my way into a restaurant, and a tall, solemn black man asked me for spare change, and I gave him a couple of dollars and made my request. He stood there on the sidewalk, put his hand on my shoulder and intoned the most beautiful spontaneous heartfelt prayer-- it brings tears to my eyes now to remember it, and it has to be well over 7-8 years ago. Clearly, this was a man who had spent a lot of time in church, as he had the language and the cadence down perfectly. He asked God to regard this “precious daughter” and shower blessings upon her… and it was at a time when I was hurting a lot… a friend was in very poor health and I was having panic attacks several times a week. Holy cow-- it was one of the most beautiful moments of my life.
Scoff if you must, warn me of the danger of actually relating to a homeless, panhandling beggar as if s/he were another suffering human being. As Jesus said, “The poor you will always have with you,” so I don’t kid myself that I’m really doing anything monetarily lasting for these people… but they have given me some grace-filled moments.
The end.
I apologize. That WAS snarky.
I’m not in the most emotionally stable place right now, but your post just brought me to tears.
Oh my. Thank you. I assumed I had done my usual number of shutting down a thread.
I know this isn’t a huggy place, but hugs to you.
Pretty much this. Panhandlers are still people and if you are going to reject his pitch with direct alpha male eye to eye challenging contact he’s going to respond similarly. The polite refusal dance Blaster Master details is usually the way to go. I’m the same size as you but unless they were actually harassing me or another person I would never try and have some psychological dominance dance with a panhandler if I could help it. On multiple levels they have very little to lose in a confrontation and you have everything. You may need to step up and confront an aggressive panhandler at some point, but that would not usually be the first gear I would engage.
Regarding the OP’s reflection about being a female on the receiving end of hostility or of someone who is unstable: Recently here in Portland a woman declined to give money to a man hanging out in front of her building, as he was behaving erratically. She didn’t know if he was mentally unstable or on drugs or both, so quickly went into her building. The man stayed outside, screaming obscenities and threats for several days, and she was afraid to leave her building. She ended up calling the cops, but the guy kept returning to the area, as there are a lot of homeless there. Not sure how it finally resolved.
Another (non female) incident involved an elderly businessman, who asked some street kids to please move so he could clean the sidewalk in front of his store. One of them picked up his skateboard and put the man in the hospital with it (broken jaw, concussion, etc.).
Portland presently has no solutions for its homeless/druggie problem. The longer it’s ignored, the worse it becomes, and the more aggressive the beggars become. The “solution” right now is to make them move from a problem area, but of course the problem just moves with them.
Hugs to you as well. I’m surprised none of the members have seen fit to mock me for admitting my vulnerability.
Dunno where you get THAT idea. Outside of the monthly mini-rants thread in the Pit, this is the huggiest forum on the Dope.
I’m with get lives. This is very moving.
Thank you, ThelmaLou, not only for sharing, but for displaying a respectful connection to those often overlooked.