Today’s festivities started shortly after I opened my eyes.
I’m wrapped up in my favorite blanket, nice and warm, snuggling a pillow. Those were my first thoughts. A nice way to wake up, to be sure. I reached over with my right hand, and tossed the pillow I had been snuggling behind me, as I prepared to get out of bed and start the day.
My next thought was, “What the hell is this?” I looked at my left arm, and saw it bent in an unusual angle. it looked like it was broken. No sweat. I straightened out my arm, and got out of bed.
Actually I didn’t. My arm wouldn’t move. Not even a little bit. Apparently, I had managed to pinch off the blood supply, and my arm was still comatose. There’s nothing quite as freaky to me as that was. I sat up, and got out of bed, my left arm dangling and flopping like a dead snake attached to my shoulder.
Shortly thereafter, the pins and needles started. It was as if I was getting some kind of crazy acupuncture torture. Yeek!
I head downstairs, to go to the kitchen and grab a drink. As I cross the threshold into the kitchen, I plant my foot directly in a cold, wet dog poo.
Now, damnit, I paid a contractor good money a couple years ago to cut a damn near human sized hole in my exterior wall, so that my beloved mutt can get in and out of the house as she pleases. She NEVER does her business inside!
I look down, and it’s not a poo. Jake, my 15 month old son, apparently saw fit to discard the remainder of his breakfast banana there. I cleaned it up, asked my dog why she won’t eat bananas when everything else is fair game, and headed upstairs to the computer.
Did I mention I wasn’t yet dressed? That’s vital information. As I settled into my computer chair, I managed somehow to sit directly upon my testicles.
If this day gets any better, I don’t know what I’ll do with myself.