Normally, when we think of office theft, we think of useful thinks like wallets, jewelry, and pens. Sometimes big important stuff, sometimes nothing that can’t be replaced from the supply closet. This stuff happens in every office setting.
But yesterday a secretary here experienced a more unusual theft – the pilfered items were a banana and a Twix bar. The doctor she works for copped to the banana theft. He took it, ate it, and threw away the skin. Creationism in action. Kirk Cameron would be proud.
The Twix bar, however, remains a mystery. Here are the particulars of the crime, as far as we can reconstruct: The thief entered the secretary’s work area, which involves walking around a large desk and going through two doorways. It’s not the kind of place that one merely passes by. In fact, it would be far easier to simply go down the hall to another office where there’s a big bucket of Snickers, Milk Duds, M&Ms, and Skittles – all for free.
Nope, our thief stalked that Twix bar, and targeted it specifically to be the victim of a crime. The Twix bar probably knew its assailant.
As the bar was still in its wrapper, sealed up nice and cozy, the thief had to tear the wrapper to get at it. He then took one of the caramel topped, chocolate covered cookies out of the package, took ONE BITE, put the cookie back in the wrapper with its uneaten twin, put it back on the table, and made his escape.
I wonder if the owner of the decapitated Twix were to take a bite herself, then leave the Twix temptingly in view, if the thief might not return to have the last mouthful, as it were. One-bitesmanship.
You fools, it was the doctor. He just copped to the lesser crime of bananacide to avoid the more serious charge of grand theft chocolate. He’s throwing you off the trail.
I began by buying the only Twix bar left in the cafeteria, and putting it on the secretary’s desk. If she eats the decoy, then we’ll have caught our thief. I’ve got my eye on her…
Well, who ever it was had better keep their paws off of my peanut M&Ms. If I catch someone stealing those the punishment is immediate and repeated stabbing with a cheap office pen.
Hey, what consenting adults do with chocolate behind closed doors is none of my business. But I’ll stick to my good Christian chocolate-covered cookie values.
But wasn’t it her Twix? She probably thought the culprit was paying her back. Hadly damning evidence. And even if she wasn’t the victim, you put it on her desk, possession is 9/10th of the law of candy.
She saw me put it on her desk – in fact I handed it to her, so I think she knows that the culprit didn’t pay her back. We even discussed various ways to use it as a decoy.
And yes, I accused her of stealing her own candy. I know it doesn’t make much sense, but any excuse to give her shit is a Good Thing. She loves it when I give her shit. It cracks her up.
And there is no Peppermint Patty in the office. But I know a few redheads I can accuse.
