A year ago tomorrow, I removed my wedding ring for the final time and called it quits with my wife. This, after 13 years of friendship, a 10-year marriage, five months of home ownership together, and a three-month blur of utter collapse and failed reconciliation after more than a decade of problems looming in the background.
I read a lot of relationship threads on this board, and I participate whenever I think I have something useful to contribute (although I no doubt overestimate the value of my input from time to time). It has been interesting, though, to re-read some of the advice given to me in the threads I posted while I was going through the dark times before and after the break up. I’m fascinated and a little bit apalled by just how different I was at the time, looking at the way I spoke about myself and my then-wife, the things I thought I understood then that I really had no clue about, my unwillingness to speak up for myself, and the complete lack of self-confidence I exuded.
I got some really good advice in those threads, and I had some people point things out that barely registered with me at the time. People like Giraffe, Heart of Dorkness, kunilou, Diogenes and several others were able to peg me and/or my situation succinctly in ways I just couldn’t see at the time. I was focused on getting opinions from this online community not because I wanted to do what was best for me, but because I hoped to somehow build ammunition to convince my wife that she was wrong. Consequently, a lot of what folks were telling me about the futility of my situation and my lack of self-preservation went over my head. I wonder, now, when I read here about others’ relationships issues, how much advice from other folks sinks in with them at the height of their misery. Still, I am able to enjoy reading these threads now and to chuckle to myself about how much better some of you knew me than I knew myself.
A lot about my life has changed in the last year. I’ve met and fallen in love with a wonderful Doper who has brought a lot of joy to my life, but at the same time, because of the distance between us, I’ve still had a much-needed opportunity to grow as an individual, to learn to enjoy life living on my own, and to heal a bit from the scars of the end of an ugly relationship. A lot of old habits have changed, and I’ve developed some new passions. In short, I’m having fun.
Meanwhile, I’ve been able to leave behind most of the anger and bitterness that had run so deep once I came to realize just how bad things were at the end of my marriage. I’m able to converse civilly with my ex through email when necessary, and can even exchange the occasional joke. Last week, I drove through some of my old neighborhoods, including by the two houses we’d lived in together, and I felt very little emotion – just familiarity. The past, no matter how bad at points, is still the past. I can acknowledge it and continue to move forward.
Still, our pending divorce is scheduled to finalize in the next couple of months, and I’m glad for it. A year ago, I didn’t know what the point of life was going to be without this person I’d spent all of my adult years with. My goal had been to hold on to the marriage at all costs, NOT to seek my own happiness. But having been essentially forced to learn on the fly, I’ve done pretty well for myself. And while there were some painful lessons to learn from the experience, I wouldn’t trade the knowledge I have now for anything.
Here’s to a positive remainder to the rest of 2010, and far beyond. For me, and for all of you.
