A mundane, pointless flutter on the ultrasound I'd like to share.

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Heya, folks.

If all goes well, geneb and I will have our first kid in the tail end of the upcoming spring.

So far, I’ve read What to Expect When You’re Expecting, Girlfriend’s Guide to Pregnancy, and too many online advice columns. Club Crackers turned out to be a life-saver. Same with pillows. All in all, so far, this is not a physical experience I’d wish upon my worst enemy, let alone a friend.

With that said, bits of stray advice (and possibly condolences) from Doper moms would not be at all amiss. How did having your first change your life? If you worked from home/freelanced during the pregnancy/first few years of kid’s life, how did you manage the workload? Did you go the epidural route for the delivery, and how did that go?

Edit: Thought about posting it in the Milestones, but since there’s an advice request, hope a separate thread is okay.

2

Congratulations!

I telecommuted during my one successful pregnancy. It got me out of a hostile work environment, which was good for me, but being so sedentary and secluded (it was also a terrible winter, so we stayed home a lot) led to a massive weight gain and, in the last trimester, depression. I recommend finding ways to get out of the house as often as possible.

As far as how the first year will change your life, I can’t give you much advice. Everyone and everybaby is so different. My personal experience was that Dr. Sears and his cohort of women-hating assholes contributed a lot of guilt to that time, which I and my daughter would have been better off without. If nursing doesn’t work for you, DON’T, and don’t give it a second thought. Ditto co-sleeping, babywearing, sleep training, delayed weaning, or any other theory generated by someone who doesn’t know you … and most of the theories generated by people who do.

Do what works for you, because that is the best thing for you and your baby.

3

Congrats!

Mom of two here. Sattua gave some very good advice. To piggyback on that, be aware that whatever plans you have, chances are things will not go according to plan (applies to both labor/delivery and child-rearing). So be prepared to go with Plan B, C, D…etc.

I went for an epidural with my first and it was great. When I went into labor with my second, I made sure everyone knew that I wanted an epidural ASAP. Unfortunately for me it was a fast labor and there was not a dedicated anesthesiologist for the L&D unit so guess who didn’t get an epidural? I much preferred the epidural delivery. I made them give me narcotics but it was not nearly good enough.

If you plan on breastfeeding, a lactation consultant or other breastfeeding resource is a must. Our area had a free lactation clinic, but it’s worth paying for if you can’t find a free lactation clinic. Mom has no idea what she’s doing at first, baby also has no idea at first. It can be rough.

I highly recommend the book All Joy and No Fun by Jennifer Senior. It will give you some historical perspective and hopefully take away some of the guilt that comes with modern parenting.

I stayed home for several years and really enjoyed it, but the downside is then you have to get back into the workplace, which can be very difficult. I thought I would be a stay-at-home mom the whole time, but I got bored after my youngest entered 1st grade.

I was afraid that having kids would force me to let go of things that were important to me. But I found that if it’s really important, you organize your life so that you can still do those things. Other things you let go for a few (many!) years.

I hope you feel better soon! For many women (including myself) things improve a lot in the second trimester.

4

Congratulations!

5

Epidural - oh yes, do this. My first one wore off (honestly, not trying to scare you) so I got to deliver without. The second delivery we timed it better and, yes, indeed, you want the epidural.

I recommend the Baby Whisperer books and even her videos. The name is slightly silly (“whisperer” everything was in vogue) but it was really full of helpful advice. It helped a lot.

I didn’t care for What to Expect When You’re Expecting but I was hormonal at the time and they said a few things that just struck me the wrong way.

Take a lot of pictures - and include yourself. You won’t feel like it, but you should do it anyway. I have no pictures (well, 2 maybe) of myself and the kids when they were little. I felt like shit and didn’t want to capture that, but I regret it now.

Set boundaries with the relatives. Decide now what you want help with and what you don’t and then tell everyone. My mother-in-law came to help out for a few weeks and stayed for 5 years. Yes, most people will manage that better than I did. :smack:

If you have a supportive partner at home, I would recommend that the helpers actually come after you and the bundle have had a chance to settle into home life for a bit. The first few weeks you’re really just on autopilot. If you have helpers there, they need to understand that they will be there for cleaning the house, making dinner, and generally doing things that do not involve the baby. This is because the baby will expect things to go: wake up, clean diaper, eat, rock with mom, sleep. This happens around the clock. You won’t really be handing them off to anyone. In retrospect, where I needed help would have been when baby was say 6 weeks. If an interested grandparent wants to come by then and stay for a week, you could actually step away, or sleep.

Babies will sleep in the movie theater until they are about 6 months old. This is because they are sort of programmed to zonk out in loud, dark environment. Swaddle them up in a on-the-body baby carrier, get ready to offer them some milk under a blanket or with a bottle, and really, they just sleep through them. I learned this with my second. Unfortunately this wears off at around 6 months, and then you get the crying. Use it to your advantage until then and head out for a movie with your partner and baby.

Working from home with small baby - I don’t think it’s feasible unless you’ve got at home childcare for those hours when you need to work. Babies are around-the-clock time sinks. That’s just my opinion.

6

Congratulations! I am a mother of one nearly three year old and I have three things that may help you.

The first is that you don’t have to suffer all the time. I was nauseated the vast majority of my pregnancy and didn’t get help until it was seriously getting in the way of life. My doctor scolded me for not telling her sooner. They are there to help you so just ask. Also, I found vitamin B6 in the morning and doxylamine (blue Unisom) at night to be very helpful in keeping nausea at bay so that I could eat.

The second thing is something my mom told me. Don’t be a hero when you are giving birth and parenting and all that. You don’t get medals or prizes or any of that for doing things the “right” or “natural” way. Do what works. Keep your kid clean, fed and loved and you’ll be doing a good job.

The final thing is that you might not fall in love with your baby right away and that is ok. When I first say my little girl, my first thought was not about love but about exhaustion. I don’t recall the deep, overwhelming, motherly love coming until she was older. That said, post-partum depression is a thing so please take care of yourself.

Trust me, you will do great!

One more thing before I go - avoid Caillou like the plague of you value your sanity. He will make you hate the world for having such a horrible animated kid in it.

7

Avoid mommy boards and pregnancy boards. Judgey, judgey…

I worked, I had to under two (my kids are less than thirteen months apart), and I worked full time. I had them in a center based daycare - I didn’t want to worry about a home provider’s vacations and sick days. I could work from home, and did one day a week, but I still had them in daycare unless they were sick. It is REALLY HARD to get anything done with toddlers in the house.

8

When you see a chance to sleep, Do It! Even if you have to NOT subtlety tell people to get out! New mother exhaustion trumps every social nicety, I promise.

Whenever you get dressed fancyish for ANY event, no matter how minor, grab the camera, change yours kid’s shirt and snap a couple of photos. Or you’ll wake up realizing, for the first couple of years, the baby looks great in photos and you look a hot mess. Those photos are going to be around a LONG time! Something to consider.

Whenever there is an opportunity for you to pamper yourself, you need to seize that opportunity with both hands! No matter how insignificant the indulgence might seem. No one is going to do this for you, you MUST do it for yourself. Your mental health depends on it. And it’s the only cure for martyr ism, I think! Someone offers you a sweet opportunity, do not turn it down out of hand. Always stop and think, “Is there a way I could make that work?”

Leave your infant fully in your husband’s care. Often. If you want him to handle the two year old, he needs to build confidence. You need to build confidence in him. Start out sharing more, and more sharing will occur moving forward. And that’s good for everybody! (Like always, so simple but still kinda hard!)

At a year a child is old enough to begin learning to clean up their things. You must patiently encourage, assist, insist, though it delay you mightily and often. And NEVER do it for them, only with them! If you do, your child will internalize that the end if each activity involves putting things away. Harried parents often can’t find the patience to manage if, but it pays long term significant dividends if you can manage it.

Congratulations, wishing you the greatest ease for your delivery and looking forward to hearing your exciting news! Good Luck!

9

Not a mommy, me.

The Nephew: co-slept for only long enough for his parents to realize he kept trying to roll away, when he was picked up he liked to look away from people and towards anything electrical (seriously, he’d stare at this lamp that didn’t even have a lightbulb), he liked having his arms free to hold onto the shoulders of whomever was holding him, getting him to fall asleep when his parents wanted was a minor problem (he’s super well-behaved, but also happens to be an afternoon/night person like his mom), got weaned as soon as SiL could justify it.

The Niece: co-slept for almost two years, liked to be picked up by the torso with the arms tight in and stare at people’s faces, doesn’t so much go to sleep as fall like a rock (revenge of the morning people), got weaned so late the pediatrician was telling SiL to cut it out.

You see them together and there’s absolutely no doubt they’re siblings. But they have also been very different since the days the were born.

10

Wow. Thank you for the words of support and congratulations, guys. :slight_smile: (Will check out All Joy and No Fun, point taken about the helpers/self-care, will document to the Nth degree, and the movie theater trick is really, really nice to know.)

We are fortunate in 2 aspects of this, at least- hubby is over-the-moon excited and wants to be a part of everything x1000 (I’m just… tired, sore, and very concerned about the entire thing); plus the morning sickness isn’t too horrible (can eat without throwing up 98% of the time, and it dies down on its own by 8 pm or so).

Guess we’ll see how this mess pans out!

11

Do not listen to horror stories about labor & delivery. Do take advantage of Lamaze classes if available. Even if you end up needing intervention, epidural, etc., the relaxation techniques you will learn will help reduce the need for these. I had two 100% drug free deliveries and I can honestly say I did not need any pain meds at all. I admitted being tired, but was so amped up on adrenaline and joy, I could not sleep for about 12 hours, even after being up most of the night.

That said, everyone has different conditions and needs, and you need not feel guilty if you need help. The final goal is a healthy mother and child, and anything necessary for that result should be welcomed.

Agreed on setting limits for your parents, in-laws, and other relatives and friends.

By all means breastfeed if you possibly can, for as long as it’s good for you and the baby. It’s better for the baby, free, and portable! It also uses up hundreds of calories per day and will help you recover.

I was very glad to be a SAHM for a while, but became starved for adult interactions after a couple of years. I did not go back to work until the youngest was approaching kindergarten, but did become involved in activities that I could do evenings when my husband could care for the kids. Of course, this is not possible for everyone.

IMHO pregnancy was a lot more physically uncomfortable than labor or delivery. Heartburn and backaches were my major problems. The former I treated with Mylanta. The latter I just had to live with.

12

If you can swing it, I strongly recommend that your husband take a period of paternity leave. Working without a net was an enormous parenting confidence-builder.

13

But if you find it to be problematic and interfering with your relationship with your child, then by all means give it up without a second thought and do not let statements like that haunt you.

14

Whether or not you nurse, get yourself measured for a bra after you give birth. One that fits properly really is a morale booster.

And if you do nurse, get a nursing pillow.

You will feel so much better after you take a shower after giving birth.

Congratulations!

15

Congratulations!! I will not give advise except enjoy all that you can and take as little notice as possible of the rest. Congrats!

16

Of course! It sometimes happens that a mother, after trying diligently, finds that the baby is not getting enough milk. In that case, a switch to formula is often indicated, even if it’s less convenient and more expensive.

It’s difficult for me to understand how breastfeeding could interfere with the relationship with the child.

17

By stressing mightily a woman who can’t breastfeed.

My father was born during the war; his mother lost her milk a lot earlier for him than for her other children and needed to find another source (it turned out to be goats from a nearby convent). She never quite got over the idea that he was “the one who didn’t get fed properly as a baby”, and that was before the formula wars!

18

Okay, I get that. What is stressful is being unable to nurse and feeling somehow inferior because of it. It’s not the nursing itself that’s the problem.

I did say “… if you possibly can, for as long as it’s good for you and the baby.”

19

If you don’t want to breastfeed, period, then don’t. However, I do believe that if a newborn can get some colostrum, that is more important than nursing for some arbitrary period of months or years.

Not wanting to breastfeed is, IMHO, nature’s way of letting you know that it would not be a good idea, and it is NOT better for the baby if you don’t want to.

20

Candied ginger for the nausia. The only other thing we liked that was not in the books was “dream feeding” which was awesome. When you switch to bottles, have your partner feed the baby around 3 hrs after the last feed before the baby went to sleep. Have them pick up the baby, change and feed them without the baby waking up and crying. If it works, and I know it will, the baby will go right back to sleep and momma can get an 8 hr rest without inturuption. The key is to not let the youngster work themselves into a frenzy. Catch the hunger before it becomes a 3 hour all nighter.