A new level in spam

I just received this from a .ru address, and it’s too good not to share. I’m also hoping someone can tell me if this is a real language or not:

What I’m able to glean is that someone wants to give me two million British pounds and I need to respond to an email address in China. Gotta be legit, right?? :D:D:D

It looks like it’s Dutch.

He is Ollie, you are Sven.

Well, “Victor Atkinson” doesn’t sound like a spammer from Lagos, Nigeria. So you’re probably safe sending him your banking information.

Whatcha gonna spend the $2 million pounds on?

I think he’s talking about the time his toilet got blocked and the plumber’s bill was outrageous.

I dunno - since it’s neither French nor Spanish, I can’t translate it so I don’t know what banking info they need. I shoulda been a linguist…

Maybe one day they will invent one of those automatic universal translator machines from the sci fi movies. I suppose it might not be a fish that you stick in your ear though.

Yeah, it’s Dutch.

From Google Translate:

I’ve received spam messages in English, Spanish, French, Portuguese, and Chinese. Dutch would be a new one.

I’ve never gotten a non-English spam, and I don’t think I ever got one from a Russian email directing me to a Chinese email. But of all things - why Dutch? The closest I come to Dutch in my life would be the few tulips that bloom in my garden.

Spammers are such interesting creatures.

Because Dutch people exist? And Google translate?

Because it’s from Royal Dutch Shell, which is headquartered in The Netherlands. It gives the spam more credibility.

Yup, I’m always intrigued about their thought process (if any), and the extent to which they optimize their approach. I’ve read that the fact that they are often so implausibly and poorly written is not something they bother to try to fix, since it filters out anyone with basic common sense. They really only want responses from people who are dumb enough to subsequently send them money, so it’s a desirable filter at an early stage of the process.

I’ve got a new sig!

HOUD ER REKENING MEE DAT!

Yes, though my understanding of Dutch is imperfect, there is definitely something about incontinence in the second paragraph where the 2,000,000 pounds is announced. The writer also claims to be totally bedraggled so the diarrhea must have been something awful. It’s no wonder the toilet got a workout.

The credibility is further enhanced by the fact that Royal Dutch Shell’s Fiduciary Agent responsible for issuing large payments is accessible only via a free email account domiciled in China. Major multinationals frequently use free Chinese Zoho email accounts to conduct large financial transactions, so this is pretty solid assurance that this is an authentic offer. The OP may therefore submit all their banking information in confidence to Mr. Fairbanks in China who I’m sure will go ahead and act on it promptly.

Royal Dutch Shell? Is that a oil company? Hey, it could be real.:wink:

My Dutch signature phrase is

A Dutch friend coached me on the basics of Dutch pronunciation, without any knowledge of the language, and made me start reading from the Bible. By sheer coincidence this particular sentence came out fairly close to correct, so he made me practice it over and over again until it was perfect. It has been incredibly useful since, saving my life when I encountered Belgian brigands intent on murdering me to steal my pork chops.

Perhaps they believe that their imperfect language will be attributed to Google Translate.

*Een eland bit eens mijn zus *

Illegitium non carborundum.

Are you looking at me?