Five. Two in the front and three in the back, although it’ll be a little tight.
“A [ … ]* in a microwave.”
“A frog in a blender.”
“An apple pie doesn’t care if it’s going in an oven.”
“A nun rolling down a hill.”
“On Fridays? Nun.”
“Elephants? An epileptic.”
“Elephants? Sheep.”
“HEE! HEE! HEE!”
*Insert whatever sick thing you can think of.
Really, really, **really **offensive:
“Five hundred. Two in the front, three in the back, and 495 in the ashtrays.”
(I’m going to Hell fer sure now! :()
“Oh, that’s right. Your brother has the car today.”
“Their kids would be too dumb to steal.”
Here are a LOT of “PUNch” lines…
- People who live in grass houses shouldn’t stow thrones.
- There’s no plates like chrome for the Hollandaise.
- Fair boot boy with teaks of Chan.
- The pie rates of Penn’s aunts.
- Let your pages do the walking through the yellow fingers.
- Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.
- Abcess makes the fart go Honda.
- It was the beast of Thames; it was the wurst of Thames.
- Transcend dental medication.
- Dill waters run steep.
- Super California mystic - Expert: Halitosis.
- It was the bottom of the ninth; the score was tied; the basses
were loaded. - Making an obscene clone fall.
- Treads rush in where wise men fear to fool.
- A Benny shaved is a Benny urned.
- We came to ferry Caesar; not to graze him.
- We came to seize your berry; not to appraise it.
- Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.
- You wouldn’t send a knight out on a dog like this.
- Oh, my baking yak!
- A four-loaf cleaver.
- No Huns, no writs, no Eros, and nun on base.
- Hale hath no Fury like the woman’s corn.
- Taking mynahs over stately lions for immortal porpoises.
- Follow the yellow-dicked toad.
- Squaw bury Shortcake.
- The squaw on the hippopotamous is equal to the sum of the squaws
on the other two hides. - The first Indian to wire a head for a reservation.
- The lesser of two weevils.
- Now I weigh me down to sweep.
- Only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
- The Czech is in the male.
- You can’t have your kayak and heat it too.
- It’s a knick-knack, Paddy Black; give the frog a loan.
- No tern was left unstoned.
- With fronds like these, who need anemones?
- One’s a bunch of cunning runts.
- One’s a bunch of mutts.
- One follows the yellow brick road; the other swallows the
yellow prick’s load. - Don’t fry for me, Marge and Tina.
- Yeast is yeast, and nest is nest, and never tha mane shall tweet.
- Sunday my prints will come.
- The son never sits on the British umpire.
- Silly rabbi - kicks are for Trids.
- It’s a long way to tip a Rary.
- Never lock a gift mouse in the hearse.
- Never hatchet your Counts until they’ve chickened.
- It’s a hickory Daiquiri, Doc!
- The herd shot round the world.
- Don’t put all your Basques in one exit.
- It’s not wetter Yewin that counts; it’s how you ply the gum.
- The best Yings in Fife are free.
- He must have taken Leif off his census.
- The din of inequity.
- He who has a Tates is lost.
- The koala tea of Mercy is not strained.
- The Whore-Force men of the park ellipse.
- Reign called off because of game.
- The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on.
- When Irish spies are filing.
- Readers digest and writers cramp.
- A cunning linguist.
- I left my harp in Sam Crab’s disco.
- I’ll be seeing ewes in all the old familiar braces.
- That was the bar bitch you ate.
- The beer that made Mel Famey walk us.
- A Hun is the lowest form of roomer.
- One tooth free for Fife’s Hicks; Steven ate nine tench.
- The mills are alive with the hounds of Munich.
- I tossed a tern all night, and couldn’t sweep a link.
- The taxi-free municipal blondes.
- The glass is always cleaner on the brother’s side of the mill.
- He that is without shins among you, let him stone the first cast.
- Salmon chanted: “Evening”.
- You’re chicken, catcher Torre!
- Oh, sweet Mr, Rhee of life - at last I’ve found you!
“It not only **stops **on a dime, it picks it up too.”
“One day, two [very greedy men] were walking down the street and found a penny…”
“German? It seats six!”
“They’re uptight and outta sight.”
“I wouldn’t have made it if it weren’t for all those jelly sandwiches you kept tossing in to me.”
“Wolfie! No snacking between meals!”
“Everybody who wants to get off, get off. Everybody who wants to get on, get on. Anybody who’s got a complaint about the delay, go talk to the bitch in the kitchen!”
“I’ll explain the dildo if you explain our three kids.”
“Let’s see your vibrator buy you your next drink.”
“She kick-starts her vibrator and rolls her own tampons.”
“Her front teeth are chipped.”
“Put a dildo under a glass-topped coffee table.”
“Think long and hard.”
“He always lay awake at night, wondering if there really was a Dog.”
“Can you make me one with everything?”
“Change must come from within.”
“Can you make me one with everybody?”
“Yeah, I’m gonna miss her.”
“They both have Kurds in their way”.
“Because the box said ‘Up to 3 Years’”.
“He got a John Deere letter.”
“He greased his zipper.”
“It has a year-long waiting list.”
“Walk him, and pitch to the giraffe.”
“Why not? It sure as hell worked for your ass!”
Once the barrel has been scraped and you’d think there wasn’t even enough left for a cursory wipe:
“There’s 21 of them!”
“We had so much fun, I’m taking him to the beach today.”
“Or would you like me to fuck off?”
“Excuse me, sir, but I doubt you have ever seen an Indian woman, much less heard one fart.”
“Vishnu with you?”
“He invites him out for a steak dinner.”
“I’m-a jus’ tellin’ ma friend here how ta spell ‘Mississippi.’”
“The Red Carpet.”
“They haven’t been able to scrape up enough firewood.”
“They ‘take him for a walk’ in January.”
“Eat all the caramel popcorn first.”
NITPICK: The actual punchline is “There’s 20 of them.”
And yeah, this one is at least as sick as:
“He’d heard that boys’ pants were half off.”
“When the big hand touches the little hand.”
“Fifty-year-old meat in six-year-old buns.”
Ew!
That’s my favorite math joke.
And my favorite physics joke:
“Yeah, I’m positive.”
“They’d heard they could find Summer Bed Linen on the fourth floor.”
My favorite physics joke: “No, but I know exactly where I was.”
“See? I *told *you nobody would care about the civilians.”
“My Rolex!”
“Ha! If you’d gone across the street you could have gotten the same tie for $300!”
“The next day, he phoned the KGB to tell them he didn’t necessarily share its views.”
“Do that one more time and you’ll go to jail!”
“A one-legged black man.”
“A piano.”
The third statistician shouted, “We got him!”