double post
“Woodworking.”
“Ring him while he’s doing the ironing.”
“Call back.”
“Knock on the hatch.”
“He’s the one throwing breadcrusts at the helicopters.”
“He’s the one with training wheels.”
“The ape is the one with the banana.”
“He’s the one in the clean bowling shirt.”
“She’s the one with the braided hair under her arms.”
“To keep the flies off the bride.”
“Riding shotgun on a garbage truck.”
“**Know **it? Hell, I **wrote **it!”
“Hold on a minute, young man. I want to get a cup of coffee and a cigarette.”
“Well, why don’t you write your Mother!”
“I figured you might want to open those beers.”
“Really? You’ve got a drink named ‘Murray’?”
“Give me a beer and a mop.”
“At $9 a beer, I can see why.”
“Nuthin’, bitch!”
“Now where’s that girl you wanted me to shake hands with?”
“You stick that thing in me again and I’ll snap it in two!”
“She wanted to catch steelhead trout.”
“Spot.”
“Tell her a joke on Friday.”
“I’ll tell you tomorrow.”
“Put him in a round room and tell him to find the nickle in the corner.”
“Put him in a room with two shovels and tell him to take his pick.”
“Roberto.”
“I showed him.”
“So he shot her.”
“You’re not here for the hunting, are you?”
“Keep the tip.”
“OH FUCK!!! I MISSED!!!”
“I thought you were bringing her back.”
“There are far too many Californians around here, and the bottle should really be recycled.”
“Pretty good. I got another week off and three new leads.”
“No they don’t! They call it a fucking shovel!”
“Duhhhh … vanilla!”
“Now where’s that virgin you want me to kill?”
“Ugh. Why you ask, Two Dogs Fucking?”
“You might as well, they’ve guessed your name three times already.”
“You take the gun and shoot that dog.”
“Wisconsin”
“Same diagnosis; better HMO.”
“Ach, keep your fucking sheep.”
“Hey MacLeod, got off of my ewe.”
“When he rubbed it, it turned into a suitcase.”
He sold his soul to Santa.
He threw himself behind a moving bus.
He’s all right now.
Boil the hell out of it.
She says, “Daddy, I want a new apartment.”
“Dam!”
A stick.
25 sizes larger than an “A” bra.
They’re trying to get away from the noise.
“Stay the blazes home” - Stephen McNeil, Premier of Nova Scotia
(to the most offensive joke I know)
“You can’t unload a truckload of bowling balls with a pitchfork.”