“Pity Margaret wasn’t here. We could have saved the Bentley.”
“Ask her to spell ‘Mom’ backwards.”
“She had to study for her Pap test.”
“Bottoms up!”
“She wanted to double her wardrobe.”
“Her husband.”
“One minute of sex and nine minutes of guilt.”
“She shaved her legs.”
“To grow up and learn the alphabet.”
“You can only eat what you can spell.”
“She lost fourteen days.”
Watching your mother-in-law drive off a cliff… in your new Mercedes.
“Free ham.”
Is that the guy who goes to live in a monestary?
Love that joke
“The dumbass got drunk and fell out of a guard tower.”
“Eumenides?”
“She couldn’t mend straight.”
“Tell you what: I will at your wedding, Father.”
I bet it is, and me, too. Although when I heard it the punchline was, “I can’t say I’m surprised. You’ve been complaining ever since you got here.”
I heard it as, “it’s probably for the best…you bitch too much, anyway.”
“He broke his neck trying to lick his asshole”
“Oh, that? That’s my bellybutton. How do you like my tie?”
Pretty soon she’ll have a Van Dyke.
“One more facelift and you’ll have a Van Dyke!”
“Dat’s easy, teacher: Last night, I turned on de light t’go to de pot.”
“… And I said ‘Christ, it’ll take that cunt ages t’clean all that up!’”
“He’s the one who says ‘Some of my best Negroes are friends.’”
“When he walks in, it seems like someone just left.”
“Do you know anything about high pressure boilers?”
“No, thanks. I’ll wait until the police finish their report.”
The Amish guy says to his son, “go get your mother.”
(Disclosure: I am a Newfie, so I have diplomatic immunity to tell these jokes.)
“…but you can’t fool them circle flies!”
“We can use them on the other side of the roof.”
“We might not get the same boat next time.”
There’s no such thing as Santa Claus or a smart Newfie.
“Luh! Aww, luh!”
“Stay the blazes home” - Stephen McNeil, Premier of Nova Scotia
“Provided, of course, they’re commanded by white officers.”
“No, no, no, just now! Messed me pants!”
“Well, I don’t rightly know, mum. But somehow I found meself with me thumb up the arse of the biggest Bengal tiger I’ve ever seen!”
“I know what you’ve been doing!”
“Well, I suppose if they didn’t, he’d just go PFFFFFFFFFFFFFFTTT!”
Yes. [spoiler]He can only say two words, every ten years.
Ten years go by, he says “Food’s cold”.
Ten more years. He says “Beds hard.”
Ten more years. He says, “I quit”. Etc.[/spoiler]
Another punchline -
‘Dash dash dash dash dash dash,
Dash, dash, dash dash dash.
Dash dash dash dash,
Dash dash dash dash,
Dash dash dash dash dash, fuck.’
Regards,
Shodan
“At Princeton, they teach us not to piss on our hands.”
“Well, hell, you’re the first one who’s ever cut her down out of the tree!”