From observation, it seems to me that straight women are more comfortable in a small group that includes both straight and lesbian women than straight men are in a small group that includes both straight and gay men. I’d define a small group as being 4 to 8 people.
Has anyone else observed this or am I just not aware of the discomfort vibes from other women?
If this is so, why? Are women, in general more confident of their sexuality? Do women simply bond more easily than men?
Not that I can recall, but I can still speculate. Maybe a straight guy in such a group would be worrying about “What if one of those guys tries to come on to me?” Whereas women have more experience in knowing how to deal with unwanted advances.
Maybe, or maybe they’re given more “permission” to be flexible. Certainly it’s more socially acceptable for girls to sometimes wear boy clothes and participate in boy activities than vice versa.
Quite possibly. Or at least they bond differently: at the risk of overgeneralizing, men bond over shared activities (working or playing together); women bond over shared feelings. I don’t know if that’s relevant to your main question—what were the groups you were observing doing?
Good points, Thudlow. I believe I’ve seen this in purely social situations, in the workplace and at business-social functions such as corporate receptions and dinners. It hadn’t really occurred to me that women do have more experience in detecting and fending off unwanted advances so it’s not something we’d be too concerned about.
Hmmmmm…
I think the truth is that women do NOT assume that everyone sexually oriented towards women is going to automatically be overcome with lust for them and make overtures.
Guy here. I’d guess that the fact that women can admire how other women look without it being considered a come-on has something to do with it (anyone care to back this up or disagree?)
For a stereotypical straight male, a lot of his self-identity as “masculine” may be defined by a rejection of the feminine. I think that any discomfort shown in this situation, is not necessarily fear of being propositioned, but worry over how his straight peers will perceive him. If he becomes too comfortable around the “other,” his status of having a separate identity weakens.
Gender roles for women are much more fluid, so this is rarely a problem for them. Males in our society, from an early age, are encouraged to play strict gender roles that do not come naturally for them. If a boy cries, he is being a “sissy.” He grows up to fear showing his natural inclinations, and may be disturbed by other men who appear to flaunt them.
wow, MaceMan. that was extremely insightful.
I was going to say that I think it might have something to do with the fact that most gay men tend to be more obvious in their orientation than most gay women, but then it strikes me that this is because of what MaceMan said-- women just have so much more leeway in what is acceptably female than males for manhood. I bet, though, that straight women would be distinctly more uncomfortable around extremely butch lesbians than feminine-to-moderately-tomboyish lesbians, and I think this would more accurately simulate how straight men feel around gay men.
Yeah, I think that’s the reason. It’s never occurred to me that of my lesbian friends are in the least attracted to me, whereas a lot of straight guys seem convinced all gay men are walking libidos who are just waiting till their, er, backs are turned before they pounce. In spite of the fact the gay men in question are ususally so out of their league!