Person A offers Person B something. Let’s say it was an invite to go hiking.
Person B declines, saying “I don’t like hiking”.
Later, however, another person offers Person B an invite to hiking. Person B accepts and seems happy that someone asked them to go hiking.
My question is…does Person A have the right to feel hurt/upset/bothered/put off by this (when they learn about it)?
Now some background: I’m person A in this situation…and my friend (Person B) can’t understand why I feel the way I do (which is bothered, somewhat).
So I’m asking here. Maybe I’m out of the loop now and I shouldn’t bother caring about it or letting it affect me. Let me know if that’s the case.
If I was Person A, yes, my feelings would be hurt. But I wouldn’t let Person B know, I’d just assume that they didn’t like me as much as I thought they did (because the only clear variable in this instance scenario is that they would be hiking with me versus hiking with someone else).
That probably wouldn’t stop me from saying something like, ‘Oh, I thought you didn’t like hiking?’ and see what their response was. Maybe they actually had a good reason to say they didn’t like it earlier (perhaps they felt very out of shape and didn’t think they would enjoy hiking, and they have since become more fit).
This sounds like the polite kind of white lie someone would tell when the real answer is that they don’t like spending time with you, at least not in that context (maybe they don’t want to see you sweaty, or don’t want you to see them sweaty, or they view you as just a casual acquaintance).
OR, alternatively, maybe they really DON’T like hiking, and just like Person C so much that they’ll do things they don’t like just to spend time with C. It’s easy to see why you’re put out by the dissonance between B’s words and actions, but maybe the nature of your friendship with B or their relationship to C has a dynamic that’s invisible to you.
As an example, I despise sports games. I would turn down an offer to go to a baseball game with a friend. But I would go to a baseball game if a guy I liked asked me to go to one with him, because my desire to spend time with him overrides my distaste for baseball.
Yeah there are a lot of variables here and my reaction might be an eye roll, taking the hint, or being somewhat peeved/hurt depending depending on the dynamics of the situation.
It could be as simple as you don’t walk as fast as your friend, or walk too fast for them. Or maybe it didn’t apeal on the day you asked because she had cramps, and she was feeling particularly energetic on the day C asked. Or maybe B has a crush on C.
But overall, you are right to be wondering and looking around for other “hints” about your friendship with B. Something happened here, and it could be anywhere from [B was in a bad mood when you asked] to [B has been hinting for a long time that the interest in your friendship has waned.]
It’s quite the continuum with a hundred possibilities in between, and no real way for you to guess what the true situation is. If B’s only offer of help to navigate this is “Your feelings are unjustified” then that’s reason enough to reconsider the relationship and how much energy you want to put into it.
How about a few more details before asking us to draw conclusions.
Was it actually hiking, or another physical activity like sport, or was it a social invite ?
Is the other person someone you fancy, or is it a colleague, relative or a friend ?
Without this information its like trying to paint a vacuum.
If its someone you fancy and were using the hiking invite as a pretext to get to know them better, then no you shouldn’t be offended, you tried it on and they gave you a face saving excuse.
If someone that they fancied in return asked them to go hiking and they accepted then thats their business, not yours.
If they accepted the invite to go hiking because they actually wanted to go hiking and didn’t think that their hiking partner would hit on them while doing it then that too is their business.
But until you fill us in on the details the point is moot.
Assuming it wasn’t actually hiking, was there a significant difference in the two invitations? Maybe you both invited B to go see a movie. But one of you invited B to see The Avengers and the other one invited B to see Dark Shadows.
I would be a bit hurt and wonder why Betty lied to me (she said she didn’t like hiking, but here she is, going off hiking with Carol). I also think that Betty needs to think up better excuses - ones that don’t make her look like a liar.