A "Plan 9 From Outer Space" remake?

The other day I saw Edward D. Wood Jr’s “Plan 9 From Outer Space”, named the worst film of all time, and an insane idea came to me: May someone write a good remake of this simple-minded work? It’s not awful, just… naive. I agree it’s a bad, bad movie, but Tim Burton hit the point about Ed’s personality: he had a genuine pleasure making his films and telling his stories, but he was as silly as a young kid.

Now, consider… how can someone justify the only three zombies to dominate the earth? More zombies? Armies of zombies? Or the stupid explanation of how the scientist could make the universe (¿?) explode? And the government office-like extraterrestrials talking about some plan, the Plan 9, talking through a ridiculous “vertilingua” computer that is capable to translate every language in the whole universe?

How can you manage to give sense to this enormous mess of stupid concepts, transforming it in a coherent and intelligent storyline? A high-level brain challenge, I presume.

That’s certainly an interesting idea there, Grousser. I keep thinking of “Invasion of the Body Snatchers” every time I try to come up with something that would actually work, storywise.

But I think it could be done.
First, you’d need either a lot more zombies, as you’ve said, or only a few, but more ‘believable’, i.e. people who are directly involved in the invasion somehow, like people at NASA or that Search for Extra-Terrestrial life bureau (SIL? or something like that).
Second, the ‘vertilingua’ computer is not a bad idea in itself, if you could back it up with some believable pseudo-scientific technobabble: you could explain how its waves tap into the cerebral cortex, or something similar.
Third: aliens off screen. I think this is a must: you could have some communication through the zombies, but no direct contact between humans and aliens.

Question remains: why do aliens want to reanimate the dead?

To destroy our stupid minds! Stupid! Stupid! of course.

Andyway, I doubt that it could be redone and have anything in common with the original. I mean, really:

Aliens have tried 8 times in the recent past to destroy us and failed because we’re on the verge of “exploding the sunlight” and destroying the universe. And their plan? To make the dead LIVE AGAIN!

Change any of that and it’s no longer Plan 9. That’s the core of the story. Keep it and…well…it’s not box-office hit material, is it?

Sure it is! Aw, it could be done. Let’s see. Two ways you could do it. Wacky comedy where they’ve failed eight times… by accident… or deadly serious space war. Where, say, we have a bomb that opens hyperspace connections to other suns. The only way they can defeat us is to have an army already in place… an army of soldiers who get up and kill. And those they kill get up and kill…

A remake?

But why? The original was perfect!

Or do you mean a sequel? That would be cool.

Okay, so we’ll swipe an idea from John D. MacDonald’s “Wine of the Dreamers,” cross breed it with “Invasion of the Body Snatchers,” and add a little DNA from “Night of the Living Dead.” The aliens are not able to physically reach our planet but have been watching us telepathically ever since we exploded the first atomic bomb. They’ve come across a secret government project in the Western desert working on a superbomb based on quantum mechanics principles. The problem is that we’re messing with forces we don’t understand with our “stupid, stupid, stupid minds.” The bomb, if exploded, will so powerfully disrupt time and space at a quantum level (those of you who actually know something about physics, please go easy on me here; I’m not trying to come up with a real theory, just some kind of superficially convincing pseudo-scientific jargon) that it will become impossible for matter to exist anywhere in the universe.

Now the aliens can’t reach earth physically; but they can project an alien mind to earth, gain control of a human body at the moment of death and re-animate it to some degree. Once they’ve managed to do this, the newly-arrived mind can serve as a kind of conduit for other minds to arrive on our world. But they can’t stop the decay or deterioration of the bodies and have to exchange them every two or three days, sometimes after only a few hours, and sometimes they are in terrible physical pain. This means they generally have to kill people to get the fresh corpses that they need. And they are coming here in increasing numbers in the area surrounding the government’s secret base intending to storm the base with sheer numbers to prevent the test.

There is, however, another faction of aliens, perhaps from another planet altogether, who are trying to contact top scientists and government officials and warn them of the danger.

The aliens have tried different techniques to “break through” eight times before, but only with the ninth attempt have they succeeded in taking over a human body at the point of death. And now their first agent must go and kill others so that his comrades can have fresh corpses to inhabit … Of course, you could just re-title the thing and mention the original film in the credits: “Based on the shlock film classic ‘Plan 9 from Outer Space’ by Ed Wood Jr.” or something like that.

With this scheme you could minimize the need for special effects which keeps the budget low and still allow for some great visuals. Imagine an army of zombies tens of thousands strong in various early stages of decay storming the small military force guarding the project!

Okay, so it ain’t Shakespeare, but I think there’s the germ of an idea for a pretty good low budget comic book movie here. Might make a good made-for-tv project for the SciFi channel.

Wadday think? I actually feel some enthusiasm over this idea.

How about Plan 10 From Outer Space, where the aliens turn all our housepets evil?

Or Plan 11, where they make us all turn invisible so we go around bumping into each other?

Those aliens, they just won’t give up!

It’s been done.

Dang!

Ooooh, or how about Plan 12, where they turn all straight people gay and all gay people straight?

I had this same idea. I was thinking in the vein of a big-budget, low-plot independence day type movie.

Well, I’d agree in that nobody today is as good at making terrible movies as Jerry Bruckheimer. Ugh.

I’ve actually written a script for a remake of Plan 9, just for fun. It’s sortuva comedy, though. Along the lines of Mars Attacks – big cast, which gets smaller and smaller as the zombies take over the town. I wrote it in two days, so its not great (or even all that good, really), but I thought it would be fun.

I kept some of the original dialogue, but it was in a kid’s school play. “Your stupid minds! Stupid! Stupid!”

Ah, memories of movies I’ll never get to make.

Mmm. Sounds Invader Zim-licious!

You know, I was just about to mention that a friend of mine was doing such a remake, here in Tallahassee, when… I saw this link.

(Yes, that’s him).

He was originally going to try to show it at a local theather (Movies 8, which primarily runs as a $1 theater now, showing movies that have finished their regular runs, before going to video) back in November, but the release date was delayed. I haven’t heard when he plans on getting it showed – so it’s still in the works.

They had a big article on it in the newspaper here several months ago, though.