Hereis what is apparently a 5th grader’s plan to take over the world.
Not bad, not bad. The kid has promise. I mean it’s homophobic and rough around the edges and nonsensical, but it just might work!
Skald, what do you think?
Pinky, are you thinking what I’m thinking?
I think so Brain, but burlap chafes me so.
All you need is the first step and the last step.
Hey… why don’t the nuclear bomb companies hold the world ransom? Bad PR?
“Prove Liberace was gay”
Well, that step won’t take long.
That’s the beauty of it!
I detect one or two minor flaws. If you hold the whole world for ransom, who’s gonna pay the ransom? Also, isn’t “Liberachi” already dead?
I gotta say he’s got style, though. Note that after everything he mentions on the list, it’s only at Step Ten that he plans to get seriously evil.
Homophobic? The kid’s only in the 5th grade, and already he wants to create an army of Spartans!*
And he also has enough foresight to recognize Zombie Liberace as a potential competitor for his troops’ loyalty, and to take appropriate steps to eliminate the threat-- but ONLY after carefully verifying that Liberace’s libido survived the journey into undeath intact. The kid’s a scientist!
Clearly he also regards Michael Jackson as a danger to his clone army during its vulnerable juvenile programming stage. He’s really got every angle covered.
*The list appears to specify “Spartan II’s,” which in context obviously signifies an even gayer iteration than the original Spartans.
I really think that if he’s going to demand ransom from the whole world, he needs to buy his bungees before hand.
But where’s the fun? Huh?
Spartans? Really? Liberace? Michael Jackson? Ok, so the kid is already gay, he just doesn’t know it yet.
No flying monkeys, no giant mutant dragonflies with frickin’ laser beams on their heads, no flesh eating giant spiders, no dogs that shoot killer bees from their mouths when they bark…in fact, no mention of creepy mutant servant beings at all!
The kid is obviously out of his league.
Buy him a Venture Bros. dvd, so he can learn about comic failure in the world of Supervillains. Then we’ll snicker as he takes it as a blueprint for his future.
:rolleyes:
Cut the kid a break; it’s just a point-by-point summary. For all you know, the ranks of neurotransmitter-secreting squidpieces are being gestated as we speak.
The important thing right now is that the list has been released. The fifth grade now knows that their doom is imminent, but neither the day nor the hour. When the headsman’s axe descends, it may be from the clear unblemished sky; or clutched in the talons of an armor-plated battle koala; or in the form of a thousand whirling nanoblades from the bursting warhead of a Decapageddon Bomb; or wielded by the taut, oiled musculature of an olive-skinned, harness-clad Spartan gladiator. They know their fate is sealed, but not how it will happen.
Thus, they cannot steel their minds against the moment of their demise. Will it be quick? Will it be today? Their souls writhe helplessly in exquisite dread and anticipation of the unknown. When at last the time is at hand, and at last they see the cruel instrument of vengeance before them-- then, in that final unending moment of realization, the awe in their eyes will be as pure as the terror.
Do you hear it, fifth grade? Do you hear the Beast slouching toward Bethlehem?
Until they reach they sixth grade, then they’re in the clear.
So the fear would be with the third and fourth grades. Will my year be the one that is wiped unceremoniously from the planet? They’d be following the list, checking off each one as it occurs, calculating the rate of progression versus the number of days until the sixth grade.
Hey… that’s a good teaching strategy! Those kids will become geniuses! This plan has hidden depths, people…
I’m impressed. He’s only a fifth grader but he’s conquering the world at a ninth grade level.