I need a new world conquest plan!!!

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Some things are constants on the Straight Dope. In any LOTR discussion, Qadgop and Elendil’s Heir will know more than every other post put together. In any religion discussion, tomndebb will be both more knowledgable and more erudite than everybody else. And in any thread on any subject, Skald will find someone way to threaten to conquer the Earth and enslave the rest of you.

Well, once that was true, but not now. During my brief absence from the boards, my evilitude seems to have waned from full-bore kitten-strangling climate-changing virgin-despoiling levels to positively wimpy, Gargamel levels.

Obviously this creates a vacuum, and that vacuum must be filled. I need a new plan to overthrow all legitimate governments, set myself up as God-King, force Campbell Brown to host the Today show naked while skipping rope, and so forth?

Any ideas? 'Cause right now I’m stuck on raising an army of trained bees and throwing rocks from the Luna City catapult onto selected targets. I promise lavish rewards for the person with the best idea, and horrible punishments for the person with the worst.

2

I will try to find links to my reply to a similar request to which I volunteered my services.

Essentially, it had to do with the proper configuration for an anti-matter bombhere. My issue then was getting the proper “mix” of matter to antimatter, and how to best ensure the biggest detonation. I was selected as one of the OP’s minion, but alas, nothing came of it.

I have since refined the design, and it consists of TWO hydrogen (thermonuclear) devices, one of which will be “rotated” into antimatter microseconds before detonation. Therefore, we will have a hugely vaporized and mixed cloud of particles and antiparticles interacting, thus mostly nullifying the time delay of the physical constraints of matter touching antimatter which is slow beyond reason in to chain reaction world.

So, we now have two 100-megaton bursts intermixing for a very powerful and near-instantaneous mixing and further **hugely ** 100% matter conversion “bloom” of high energy photons in addition to the initial nuclear flash. My research does move on…there will be a test shortly on the moon which will silence my detractors.

I would only request ownership of the Gilbert Islands and the city of Las Vegas. So, you interested???

3

I’ve seen a number of stories about antibiotic-resistant bacteria in the last few weeks. As long as you’re raising an army of trained bees, why don’t you just make them immune to antibiotic-resistant bacteria and set them loose in world capitals? During the ensuing panic you could replace world leaders with specially programmed lookalike androids who are loyal to you.

While you’re at it, you could replace Campbell Brown with a lookalike android and force the real CB to deliver a daily, naked, rope-jumping newscast to you alone.

4

  1. Steal all the underwear.

  2. ? ? ?

  3. Profit.

5

Wekk, this is dang weird. I edited my post before posting it, and the new stuff didn’t come across! Must have been my mistake somehow. But anyway, included in my post was something like this:

My reply to Winston Smith. See posts starting at #50.

I don’t think this has anything to do with the SDMB, I think it is the NSA intercepting my posts. I am therefore packaging this post with a self-decrypting “parcel” which will activate upon reception by the SDMB, and then erase itself. We’ll see if this gets through in plain-text…

Otherwise…demo tonight at 7:03 pm, azimuth 88 degrees.

6

On the one hand, your plan to reserve then nakedness and sexual favors of Campbel for myself. On the other hand, bad things ALWAYS transpire when one employs lookalike androids or allows such tech to exist, while I won’t be condemning you to salt mines at THIS PRESENT TIME, I am putting you on notice that you will need to improve by your next Evil Performance Review.

7

My Lord Skald,

As your faithful servant, I humbly beg that you consider my modest proposal for the establishment of Your Glorious Reign.

Although exotic explosives would certainly demonstrate your power, my lord, their use in anger would greatly diminish the resources and serf population at your command. I see no need to risk the loss of your wealth and glory than mass death would cause.

If you wish all the world’s billions to be brought under your heel, and live to lament their enslavement, you must conquer from within their minds. I suggest that you hire/enslave a team of talented scientists to genetically engineer a new strain of toxoplasma gondii - the micro-organism which induces toxoplasmosis in rodents. As you know, my lord, this disease destroys a rat’s ability to fear cats, thus leaving them easy prey. A version of this disease modified to attack humans, and destroy their capacity for literacy (essentially, inducing severe dyslexia), could be put to devastating effect.

Imagine, my lord - without a single death at your hand, all those nations best able to resist Your Will - the wealthiest, the most well-educated - would be crippled and terrified. If you possessed the only cure or vaccine, you could command obedience. There would be deaths, of course - nuclear plants might fail, for example, before your own underlings could assume control of them. But the bulk of humanity would survive, utterly dependent upon you - their love of your name matched only by their dread of Your Wrath. Further, by limiting distribution of the cure, you could cripple dissent and resistance - illiterate societies produce no “communist manifestos” or their like.

If my plan pleases you, my lord, I beg only the smallest of favors - the honor of governing the former American state of New Hampshire, along with the former District of Columbia, in Your Name.

Your most humble servant,
Mr. Excellent

8

Skeld,
Blinking LEDs, my man. It’s what’s terrifying people nowadays. Get out of the rut, Skold. A little brightly colored electronics to frighten the populace and get them appropriately nervous of your next project. You can recruit the design bozos from local college sophomores. And when their usefulness is over, who notices a few a few “pin the tail on the High Voltage Transformer” accidents?
Get with the program, Skild, while there is still time for a little action.
If you are truly depressed, so much so that you can’t even strangle a fuzzy little squirrel, :rolleyes: I could use some minor help with the fusion bomb orbital platform. Spray painting metal flake candy apple red in a vacuum is a bitch.

9

Madman. Your plan would deprive us – and by us I mean me – of new books by Sebold, Martin, Roth, Gaitskill, and many more. Stay where you are. I have dispatched a contingent of bees to deal with you, and running will only make things worse.

10

Dude, running will keep you alive. I have dispatched a formation of Flying Venus Flytraps to Deal With the Bees. Remain calm, and remember who your friends are.

11

My lord, have mercy! Those authors who please you can be vaccinated, if they pledge allegiance to Your Will!

12

Thank you, brother. I shall remember.

/Runs away!/

13

Ha! Skalt, now you know that you can’t have your chickens and eat them, too.
dammit.
Er, a chicken in the hand is worth two in the oven.
No, no, wait a moment…
A chicken saved is a turkey earned.
rats.
Can I get back to you on this?

14

Moved from IMHO to MPSIMS.

15

I strongly object to your first statement, while Qadgop the Mercotan stands without peer on LOTR lore, I and several others are equal to Elendil’s Heir.

I was prepared to help you, but …

  1. You have insulted my honor and must pay.

  2. I already have an obligation to the Evil Overlord **Winston Smith ** as his chief Henchman.

  3. Your Flying Monkey’s were so 1930s.

Jim

16

Gee, Skald, what d’ya wanna do tonight?

17

Your insolence and bravado intrigue me. You’re hired. I am sending the bees to your previous Evil Overlord employer to tender your resignation, and you shall be Prince of Europe after the conquest.

18

This is the sort of thing they never brought up in Career Counseling in high school.

19

Well things have been slow at Smith Inc. lately and I always did like Europe. Just as long as I don’t have to get involved in a land war in Asia. I accept you offer.

Jim

20

I don’t have an evil plan to present, but I would like to offer my services as an incompetent, low-level henchman who will be tricked into chasing your nemesis into a dark room, where I will be beaten unconscious and have my official Skald-the-Rhymer-Henchman Uniform™ stolen. I will miss the final showdown during which your official Skald-the-Rhymer Super Weapon™ will be turned against you. I will slumber peacefully in my previously-mentioned dark room while Your Evilness and all your henchmen die a horrible, fiery death.

I will then emerge from my room, the only part of your Evil Empire left untouched, wearing nothing but my official Skald-the-Rhymer-henchman underwear™ and a headache, and proceed to go live in a small beach community in the post-Skald-the-Rhymer utopia.

How much would you pay for such a position?