Please, help me design the ultimate weapon, so that I may dominate you.

In My Humble Opinion
1

Some of Tuckerfan’s recent threads have led me to consider a career change to World Dominator. I have several factors against me; I’m no longer a young man - I’m close to my 45th birthday, I’m not quick or agile, I’m not rich, and I have no military training outside of reading a lot of WWII books. I don’t see myself training an Army of Darkness to sweep the world.

On the plus side:

  1. I’m very good with high tech hardware, I can figure out how to work just about anything. And I have friends who can build anything (or at least they claim so)
  2. I’m ready to be ruthless and significantly depopulate the planet if necessary.
  3. I communicate well, across many cultural divides. My threats and demands will be accessible to a wide demographic.

Much as the job appeals to me, I know I don’t really have a chance without an Ultimate Weapon, and I mean a really GREAT Ultimate Weapon.

What would it be? It must be very flexible – I must be able to use it for personal defense and lashing out at my enemies. Ideally it should be stealthy, leaving no evidence that an attack occured, maybe even till months later when someone falls dead of a strange illness.

Some necessary characteristics for this thing:

  1. It needs to be a single unit. I have no trustworthy legions yet. I must be able to be the sole operator.
  2. It has to have a reliable wireless remote control, unless I can carry it.
  3. It must be portable. However, this could include something orbital.

What’s my best bet?

2

Certainly not a 1920’s-style death ray.

What?..Someone had to say it.

3

The first person to mention a certain era death ray is going to be hit so hard… :slight_smile:

You can’t go wrong with an orbiting laser cannon with a hand mounted controller. Death on a large scale, while carrying a certain level of individualised sophisticated styling. May I recommend the model with a matt black finish with integrated flamerthrower attachment and large LED countdown display?

Just remember to buy the optional fail-safe device that prevents you from targeting yourself.

Of course, no Supervillian would be caught dead without something from Villian Supply.

4

ARGGHHHH!!!

[Beats Quack over the head with a 1960’s Giant Comedy Mallet] :stuck_out_tongue:

5

Would you consider performing the rituals needed to awake the Great Old Ones from their slumper? Please? I promise to let you have complete domain over whats left of humanity.

Either that or go with a 1920’s style “Death Ray” in an orbital setup, as mentioned by ** Rabid_Squirrel ** . Make sure to put lots of close-in defense on it though; you don’t want some cat-brained android to take it out.

6

I suggest using the lemonjuicebaseballbat. It’s easy to maintain and takes almost no traingin to master. Here’s the gist:

  • first, put some lemon juice in a paper coffee cup
  • next, stand on a street corner pretending to drink from the cup - just like a regular person enjoying some coffee
  • when someone you’d like to evilly dominate comes by, splash the lemon juice into their eyes
  • while the person is incapacitated shouting “ouch! My eyes!”, you pull out the baseball bat that you had secretly hidden in your back pocket and club them. Hooray! one more barbarian subjugated. If you’d like, you can now take their wallet and car keys.

This method only works on one person at a time, but its simplicity will make it easy to teach to your minions (when you recruit some). Eventually, your terror will move outside the splashing range and into the hearts of the public. When that happens, viola! you are a dictator.

7

Squirrels, with laser guns, and army helmets. Use your imagination.

8

I’ve always felt that Weapons of Mass Destruction do not mean detroying all the architechture.

They should be earth friendly, yet strike terror into the hearts of everyone.

Which is why I have come up with the world’s first eco-friendly weapon: [ZSB: Zucchini & Squash Bomb.

Every garden in this fair country grows Zucchini and Squash, even if they never planted it, the stuff just grows. And grows and grows. Being fruitful…uh…vegetableful and having lots of squashy sex. So much so, it makes rabbits look very Protestant. This continues until every gardener has reached their ZSSP(Zucchini and Squash Saturation Point) (1). Forcing them to have boxes of them at the end of driveways with a Free sign on them, usually, to no avail.

So, I suggest, to help with the war effort and take over the world, Bomber planes airdrop the surplus of our gardens over the masses. Those that survive the zucchini drop, are lucky, those that don’t are squashed.

To keep the survivors from rebelling, all the fleshy remains of the ZSBwill eventually go to seed and …after a short while, sunshine and some rain, little plants will sprout up taking over everything, disabling cities, possibly pizza delivery boys. Remember, people, when the supply lines are cut, the ranks break.

The con’s are that the bombing runs cannot begin until mid August. The pro’s would be that once the harvest is in, it is about six weeks of an unlimited war chest.

Other weapons could be made to accommodate the surplus as well, such as Zucchini Launcher and** Squash Cannon** , Pumpkin Howizter and the dreaded Eggplant Trebuchet

Really, it is the Ultimate Weapon.

9

You could buy up the world’s supply of Dan Hill albums (all 2) and threaten to send them to everyone who doesn’t comply to your demands, forcing them into sappy submission syndrome… :eek:

ok, maybe that’s too horrific, besides you’d have to buy everyone a “record player” too, whatever that is.

10

E-mail me, we’ll talk. I’ve got big plans that I’ve not posted here. I’ll even let you have the entire planet (the Moon and Mars, however are mine) if you’re willing to pitch in.

11
      • I like the idea of a duct-tape gun: it looks like a regular taping gun, but when you pull the trigger, it goes “Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-z-z-z-z-z-z-z-z-z-z-z-z” and spins around, “shooting” sticky duct tape onto whatever it is aimed at. The world may not end up dominated, but it’d be pretty darn annoyed.
        ~
12

Boyo Jim, watch Love Potion #9 the movie. Yeah, that one with Sandra Bullock in it.

Find: love potion.
Replace with: death potion.

For my finder’s fee I’ll just take … hmm. The Middle East has lots of resources, it’s on the water … I imagine Italy has lovely weather this time of year. So I guess from Eastern Spain to the Caucasus Mountains, and down to the Nile River Delta, and please do include that big patch of desert with all them oil fields in it in Saudi Arabia…

13

The key to your weapon: It must have large breasts. A significant percentage of the population will be rendered powerless before you’ve fired a single shot.

14

I’ve always been a supporter of orbital-superlasers, myself, like many others here.

However, you’ll probably want a good “second alternative.” So, going by the criteria you’ve layed out, I’d say either…

A. Some sort of Superpowered Robotic Exoskeleton.

As all you mecha enthusiests know, you can get such Exo-suits in a variety of sizes…anywhere from the nearly skintight “Iron Man” type suit, to the “Evangelion” robots, which are some 200 feet tall. It would certainly be portable, and would only need a sole operator, but they might not be truly “superweapon” class enough for your needs.

Therefore, I’d suggest…

B. A Ring of Power

…Like a “Green Lantern” ring, or Sauron’s “One Ring.” Finding one might be a little tricky, but half the fun of having a Power Rings is aquiring it. But you might be able to save yourself some trouble by making the ring yourself. In which case mysticism would seem to be the best way of powering the Ring, rather than advanced technology. You’d just need special materials (like cursed Gold, or just about anything from a meteorite), and a special place/method of forging the ring (like smelting the metal at a volcano, quenching the metal in human blood, etc.).

After that, you’re pretty much set for global domination. And you’ve got jewelry that no one’ll dare make fun of, to boot.

So…was I of any help?

15

Umm…ya know it wouldn’t take much to dominate me. Er, come to think of it I ain’t doing anything Saturday.

16

Whips and leather.

17

Judging by your criteria, it seems like mind control is the way to go. A little hand-held unit would control the orbital “Brain-bender Cannon”, and depending on the spread of the beam and the dispersal pattern, you could take over the minds of an entire nation, or just pinpoint a single head of state. The possibilities are truly yummy…

18

Sorry, Boyo Jim, you’ll have to get in line.

Our very own OpalCat has been operating her online World Domination Headquarters since 1995. You should check out the innumerable fascinating nooks and crannies there.

19

Gigantic fans to suck the atmosphere in outer space. You will then replace it with your own atmosphere consisting largely of laughing gas.

20

This is a good news, good news, good news, bad news, good news, bad news story:

Good News - I’m a guy and therefore can be dominated
Good News - The weapon has already been invented
Good News - It’s portable (and potable!), wireless, and can be operated by one person, though 2 or more is generally considered ideal.
Bad News - If you ain’t female, you ain’t got one
Good News - Surgery can correct that deficiency
Bad News - Surgery performed by a professional is not cheap, but DIY is strongly discouraged