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Hey! No foreign languages!
I am grateful for your mercy, and nothing if not flexible.
Forget the androids. How about if you offer yourself as the only hope against antibiotic-resistant bacteria-carrying bees. World domination in exchange for the only reliable antibiotic.
Would you prefer to have Campbell Brown as your consort or your slave?
:: checks over shoulder for wife::
Why can’t it be both?
My lord Skald, it is frighteningly easy:
- Embed mind-control nanocircuitry in every roll of tinfoil manufactured in the world.
- Spread rumours of orbital mind-control lasers via the usual sources - supermarket tabloids and conspiracy-theory websites.
- When everyone dons their tinfoil hats, you know what to do.
May I humbly request a small tropical island and 72 virgins as my modest honorarium?
I’ll stand against you! heroic pose
…The rest of you lot can stop laughing now.
Consider your career options.
No Good Deed Ever Goes Unpunished, and sneaking up on a guy from behind with a stick is the order of the day.
On other news…
Wanted-Crazed biologists to work on project grafting Dionaea muscipula traps to flying pachyderms. Enclose resume and arrest record. Experience with fusion weapons and orbital mechanics a plus. 401k and dental plan.
Oh Wise and Ambitious Lord of All:
Cats. Specifically, kittens. Hurl them, not rocks, with the Luna City catapault – or, in this case, kittenapault.
-
Your willingness to use helpless, loveable, furry creatures as ammunition illustrates the vileness of evil that simmers like hot puss in your iron heart.
-
No one wants to be besplatted by a flying kitten; the very thought of the possibility would make even the bravest horseman of Rohan quail with disgust and fear.
It’s simple, it’s disgusting, it’s evil, and there is no shortage of ammo.
I remain,
Your snivveling toady,
Sunrazor
Bah, do you know nothing of shielding. You can’t launch primitive carbon based life forms through the earths atmosphere, they will all burn up. Launch ceramic shielded rocks is cheaper and simpler and will actually achieve their targets.
I would slay you, but I enjoy your creative cruelty and like the Rohan reference and so I will recommend sending you for intensive work in the masters special educational facilities instead. … Bwa-ha-ha-HA
Y’know, Mad Science can be used for good people! I personally use my mastery of Etheric Psychology to spread love, brotherhood, and a love for Unca Cecil.
Say, Sunrazor, did you see that spiffy ad up thread? We’re also hiring mid level Evil Assistants and general lackeys. Did I mention the dental plan?
Oh thank you, master, I cannot describe the joy … wait a minute, you are not Skald the Rhymer! I pledged my allegience to Skald! No, wait!! No, no, nooooooooooooo!
You seriously rock dude. I am sending a contingent of bees to work under your command, as well as Britney Spears clone (pre-skank stage) to keep you happy while you work. Take over a nano-engineering lab and get back to me in a month.
See what not having a good dental plan will do for you?
Why is everyone discounting the weapon prospects of the orbital Mind-control lasers?
I grant, every Tom (Swift), Dick (Grayson), and Jupiter (Jones) knows how to foil the mind-control aspects of such lasers these days.
But, by my count, there are several thousand of these obsolete devices already in orbit. I have found it’s relatively simple to gain control of their onboard computers. First, security measures when many were launched were a bit primitive, but more to the point, most of the legitimate owners, if they still exist as individuals or organizations, have stopped monitoring their arsenals.
I have modified a triad of satellites that Aum Shinrikyo had put up in the late eighties. (I can now say unequivocatively, that none of their leadership has remained underground. At least none that’s maintaining any watch on any of their technological aspects. The secret lab in Okinawa is a little outdated, but the location is primo!) I have done a little tinkering to the emitters. I now have three orbital lasers that have both a mind-control capability, and can put some .2 MW through the atmosphere to sea level. That may not sound like a lot. But I’ve managed to create a permanent cloud over Macross Island, and have ruined this year’s lichen crop.
My calculations indicate that the population of orbital mind-control lasers already in orbit could be easily modified as I have done with these three. And once they are modidified you, my lord Skald, would have the power to turn the sun off or on for any continent in the world!
Just think, you, and you alone, could now control crop production on a grand scale. Or at least, prevent anyone from bringing a successful crop to fruitition without your permission! The nations of the world would have to bow to your power, all without killing anyone. Except for any poor fishermen who might stray into the beams when you demonstrate your capability. (I suggest Austrailia, my lord, it’s a large food exporter, smaller than many other grain baskets, and conveniently located to oceans.)
I need only €2 billion to pay for the increases to my own launch capabilities to begin the modifications.
I await your response, dread lord!
Does it occur to you that if a Certain Dread Overlord who shall remain nameless was in control of the mind control lasers that you would be sitting on the floor somewhere in Greece (worse standard of living in Europe) drooling, merely thinking that you were watching your multi flat screen monitors searching for a multi million Euro reply? Just a word to the wise.
Oh? That’s just my clone. I let him take care of all the distasteful errands for me. And when he learns too much, or goes mad (often the same thing, I’ll confess) I just decant another.
Do you really think I go anywhere unshielded? Sheesh.
Good man. Where do you buy your aluminum foil?
Regards,
CP
My Lord,
Mind control lasers and disease carrying bees are so iffy. Let the existing infrastructure work for you.
Take over the supply centers for McDonalds, Starbucks and Coca-Cola. Introduce a mild hypnotic drug into the food products that they provide and which will be shipped out to their locations throughout the world. No one will be able to avoid contact with it.
Simultaneously, your computer experts create a subliminal message which will be included in all advertising that is broadcast for those products as well as the print ads that will be posted within the stores. The messages will proclaim your greatness and everyone will do your bidding.
I have many more ideas in case you experience difficulties with vegans or the impoverished third world people. I do not ask for much, my liege. Merely grant me Hawaii and Jessica Alba.
Your humble servant,
Erie
Believe it or not, I was just going to post that. What Exit? deserves a shout-out in any acknowledgement of Doper Tolkienitude.
And much as I appreciate the compliment, Skald, I’ll take a pass on the whole world-conquest shtick. Thanks anyway. You da man.