Perhaps you would be interested in a mid level position. Check out the Dental Plan.
Double post.
You’re not getting this whole “evil” thing. Why, I plan to obliterate France every other Tuesday, just because. But you’re hired anyway.
Well, your plan involves a good deal less bloodshed that I was thinking, but okay, you’re hired.
But really–Jessica Alba? Don’t you eat least want to feed her first?
Thank you, Most Exalted Evil One. The beauty of my plan is that the world is filled with puppets that you can manipulate for your pleasure. Gladiator games, death hunts, cross-country roller fucking. Whatever you can dream of, they will do. On Mondays you can have the citizens of Skaldsylvania (formerly known as Ohio) challenge the people of Rhymertania (FKA Indiana) to a javelin catching contest. On Tuesdays, you can make the people in Skaldzerland (FKA Switzerland) practice naked base jumping while yodeling songs of praise to you.
Or you can be incredibly cruel by making everyone learn a musical instrument. You will be benevolent enough to give the choice of instruments. They can choose from any of the following:
- ukulele
- accordion
- bagpipes
- sitar
- didgeridoo
- kazoo
- Theremin
- glockenspiel
You can then choose a person at random to perform for you. They must flawlessly perform The Flight of the Bumblebee or else they will be forced to sit through a Pauly Shore movie marathon.
As for Ms. Alba, I’ll suffer.
Your humble servant.
Now you are truly Evil. I am impressed.
Wow. Torquemada may as well hang it up.
O great and powerful master.
I suggest that you gain control of all manufacturing facilities for corn syrup through shell corporations. It is present everywhere, and you need only slowly raise the prices, accumulating wealth and disposing of it as you see fit until the global recession hits. Then you can seize control as a glorious savior who will be forever seen as the saviour of Coca Cola and “freedom”.
In return, I would like the city of Norman, Oklahoma to be wiped off the map and control over Switzerland.
Skald, sir, I humbly suggest you come up with a plan that does not involve bees unless you plan on having your mad scientists solve the whole massive depopulation problem bees are having right now. I’m sure the bees would love a bit of a change of pace from pollenating large tracks of orchards, but the loss rate would be too costly. Your enemies could just sit in their homes/fortresses for a few weeks until the swarm died out.
I suggest wasps instead. They’re meaner anyway.
My lord, I’d only meant that random rebellions, doomed though they may be, might damage something you care about. It is, of course, your privelege to choose to destroy anything you like. But I would have simply thought you’d prefer to choose, for your own reasons, whom to kill, and what landmarks to obliterate. Rather than being forced to use military force to destroy things for petty tactical reasons.
And my clone will be going up into orbit Tuesday. He’ll start the mass refurbishing program.
Erm…yes. Because I certainly have nothing to do with bee colony collapse syndrome. I am CERTAINLY not transporting millions of bees into my lair using billions of U.S. dollars absconded from Iraq, and I was not even IN Iraq when said funds disappeared. Okay, maybe I was there one time when the funds disappeared. Okay, maybe I was there twenty-seven out of thirty-two times, but that is just a coincidence. Nevertheless I have nothing what-so-damn-ever to do with the disappearance of the bees, and anyone who suggests otherwise to the Justice League will find him or herself being attacked by hundreds of bees.
::whistling innocently::
Back in the day, when we obliterated something, it stayed obliterated. None of this ‘every other Tuesday’ business.
Winston Smith
International Villain
President & CEO, Smithco Enterprises
You didn’t have transchronal regeneration units in your day, geezer. And I’m not getting off your lawn.
…I think I’d rather be your arch-nemisis. Make that, on preview, arch-nemesis to both of you.
If this is the state of supervillainy these days, no wonder everyone is impressed with those wusses on “Heroes” and that pissant Sylar.
No, I didn’t have transchronal regeneration units (whatever those are), but I did have entire popluations of terrorized masses to do my bidding when I was done. See, it’s like I always tell my henchpersons at SmithCo - it’s about people. Demoralized, frightened, terrified people? Yes. Usually. But still people.
And you’re welcome to frolic on my lawn for as long as you like. Pay no attention to those crocodile-shaped shadows that you catch glimpses of in your peripheral vision but seem to disappear when you turn your gaze toward them…
How does he do that? I can’t hide flying elephants worth shit.
Pssssst! Hey, you! Over here! Yeah, c’mere, lemme show ya sumpin’! Yeah, they ain’t real crocodiles, see? They’re little cardboard cutouts he waves around, makin’ shadows on th’ lawn. He can’t really hurt’cha cuz he’s just … AAAAACKKKKK!!!
While you’re down there, is it alligators or crocodiles that have the rounded nose? I never got close enough to see.
Easy, Dumbo, they’re just little lizards. Easy, fella.
:: snorting ::
After murdering the Super-Friends, I took the precaution of raiding the Batcave for neat gizmos and gadget. Thus I have anti-crocodile, alligator, cayman, Gila monster, komodo dragon, and velociraptor sprays, among others.
BRING IT ON!
How 'bout hallucinigens? BWA-HA-ha-ha-ha. :: cough ::
Ahem.