I don’t think one email declaring your (however misguided) feelings constitutes harassment.
Her agreement to accompany etv78 to his sister’s wedding had happened prior to this.
And yeah, Simple Linctus, I find your comment completely boorish. I would probably say more, but then I saw your join date and it made more sense to just roll my eyes in the privacy of my own home.
And if I drop pennies from up there they can totally go through a car!
Everyone, quit snarking about ** etv78’s** reaction to our advice!
[sub]Otherwise, he might not come back and update us…[/sub]
Simple Linctus this is a completely inappropriate and unwelcome post on these boards. You are new here and though I am completely justified in giving you a warning for being a jerk, I am going to cut you a break since you are new. Do not post this kind of insulting, highly inflammatory crap in this forum again. If you cannot restrain yourself, you can use the pit. Flush afterward.
Ellen Cherry
IMHO Moderator
noted; apologies for any offence caused
(if it’s unclear, it was supposed to be satirical btw)
It wasn’t unclear.
Uh, one, I think. Did I miss something?
Well, yeah, he should drop it. But that doesn’t mean that failing to do so is harassment. I don’t think you can play that card until she’s at least replied and made it clear that the attention is unwelcome.
Not replying (which I’m sure she has chosen to do) makes it pretty clear that the attention is unwelcome. etv78 may have overstated their ‘friendship’ status and his email would be rather too complex for her to address unless their is basic respect there. Seems that there probably isn’t, and somewhere, sometime, on an internet forum she has opted to take the advice of the masses screaming “Don’t answer it!”
Sorry etv78. It takes guts to put it on the line like that. And it takes guts to move on. Do that, and don’t look back.
Totally agree - still don’t think this can constitute harassment without an explicit answer. It’s not hard to write a quick email that says, “Thanks, I’m flattered, but I’m not interested in you that way,” and if she can’t bother to do that, I can’t get too upset if she gets additional unwanted attention.
Sometimes, Do Not Taunt, the best answer is no answer.
Basically, she is under no obligation to give **etv78 **any kind of response to his emotional outpourings. All that is really required now, is for her to quickly and explicitly renege her acceptance to accompany him to his sister’s wedding.
Yup. Any answer can be taken as a “Look, she’s still talking to me, there’s hope!” or challenged “So you’re not interested in me that way? What way *are *you interested in? What if I grew my hair/cut my hair/won the lottery? What if we’re both still single in ten years?”
She may have decided it’s best not to give him that opening.
I agree on both counts. I give etv78 a lot of shit, but laying your heart on the line is tough, and it really really sucks when it doesn’t work out. Doing so again was definitely not a great move, but there’s nothing worse than pinning your heart to your sleeve only to have to watch it shrivel up. Moving on is also hard - but it needs to happen.
Get over this person. If something was going to happen, it would have happened by now. This thread is like watching a train wreck in slow motion. People (especially guys) get this idea that by pining for someone long enough, they will be ‘rewarded’ somehow for their efforts. Its creepy and holds you back.
The best way to know how someone feels is to ask them early on in the relationship/friendship. This is why I am no longer in the friendship -> relationship strategies a lot of Nice Guys adopt. I’ll be friends with women, but beyond that I dont expect/hope for more because otherwise I’m not genuinely friends with the woman, I’m infatuated with something that might be (but probably never).
I think women who say they only date people they are friends with kind of encourages Nice Guys to use friendship as an angle to get with women.
The snark didn’t help, but I had nothing to say, UNTIL NOW! 
She sent me a Facebook message. She’s happy being single. I told her our differing expectations/needs would make her being at the wedding awkward.
Good Work ETV! Now head out to an activity you enjoy and look around for single females there!
No, but it’s still being a pest, then.
Sorry to hear it, etv, but at least now you can move on. Good luck.
Glad to hear you got your response etv78. Maybe not the one you hoped for, but a kind one all the same. Pulling the wedding invitation was a good move.
Now you can look forward to the day, and putting into action the things you want to do to be that interesting, confident guy who just removed a giant millstone from around his neck. (Or from somewhere in that vicinity, anyway.)
Go forth, and multiplay!
Yeah, then send her real-time cellphone pics of the wedding with the caption “Wish you were here.” I’m j/k. I’ve read that she sent you the facebook e-mail so I’m up-to-date- just wanted to make my little joke. I don’t know you or anything, but I have some general comments:
It’s pointless to give someone advice they are not, currently, emotionally-capable of taking. It’s like telling a man, thoroughly dehydrated, and crawling in the hot sun of the desert to stop pursuing a mirage of water on the horizon.
If he were merely hungry, and in the middle of an orchard, he surely would have passed this particular tree by altogether, and moved on to pick from a tree more likely to bear fruit. But if he is starving, sees no other tress on the horizon, he is going to stay right there no matter how many people tell him he’s “barking up the wrong tree”.
So, first I think it’s important for you to realize that your actions are completely understandable and appropriate given the circumstances you find yourself in. Don’t beat yourself up about it (or let others inadvertently beat you up.) You are starving for an interpersonal connection, interpersonal acceptance, or “love” (if you want to be vague and kind of gay about it). Chances are, like many men, you don’t have woman breaking down your door desiring an opportunity to personally connect with you. This was an opportunity, albeit imperfect, to get what your mind needs. Of course you are going to pursue it.
You’re sure there will be no food from that tree now. That sucks, but you’ll eventually come upon another one. Then what? Even if it gives you fruit, what if it can’t produce fruit fast enough to sustain your needs indefinitely. Chances are, a single tree won’t. Maybe you eat so much fruit that you kill the tree. Eventually, you can change your life in ways that take you into more hospitable landscapes, where potentially suitable trees appear less few and far between. You can learn to find other sources of nourishment as well.
To the point that you’ll still be damned hungry, but not starving. To the point that there is almost always something on the horizon that you can gravitate towards. This may give you a sense of ‘security’ you don’t have right now.
To be specific… go see a psychologist if you can and aren’t already. Get on anti-depressants/anti-anxiety medication if applicable, possible, and aren’t already. Those can sometimes give you the ability to go places and do things you couldn’t otherwise. Join dating sites. Plentyoffish.com OKcupid.com Datehookup.com are all free. Match.com you can sign up for too. And a lot of the other good suggestions people made.
I sure as hell don’t have the answers. I guess my main point is to do what you can to move your life in ways that maximize opportunities for interpersonal connection. And until you’re able to move yourself in that direction, don’t beat yourself up for barking up the wrong tree. It’s perfectly normal- but, in the grand scheme of your life, keep moving towards better landscapes.
Preferably who dont WANT to be a single in your case.
Received the invitation today. Friend asked me about the situation, was surprised but understanding how I felt about the situation. BTW, what do I send it back in if they didn’t provide an envelope?