Life is unfair

The BBQ Pit
1

So I met an amazing girl, she has all the qualities I could ever dream of in the opposite sex. We have the most thoughtful, insightful, and philosophical conversations. It eventually dawns on me that not only is she a good friend, but also an attractive female. I ask her out.

She is quite flattered with the offer, but she already has a boyfriend. She implores me to keep up our friendship.

Now, I’ve heard the “let’s be friends” talk a whole bunch of times in the past, but in this case she really did mean it. It wasn’t dismissive in any way shape or form. She actually did want to be friends.

Our friendship continues for a long time. And during that time, I held on to the hope that our relationship would one day grow to something beyond friendship.

Then one day, she told me that she and her boyfriend are now engaged to be married.
Remember the old cliche in movies, where they have the wedding ceremony and the priest asks “If anybody should object to these two being united, speak now or forever hold your peace” and then the hero speaks up and objects, professing his undying love for her? Well, I’m considering doing just that.

I know that in the movies, the main character ends up with the dream girl and lives happily ever after. But in my case, I’ll probably just get escorted out, in tears. That’s how strongly I feel about this.

Life is not fair. :frowning:

2

Just bide your time and bite your tongue young man!

With nearly 50% of marriages ending in divorce, the odds are that you will get another ‘shot’ somewhere down the track…probably sooner rather than later.

All good things come to those who wait. :wink:

3

Oh dear…That is awful. I can see how strongly you feel about her and it sounds like you have a real connection.

How do you think she feels about you? Do you think she really just sees you as her friend? Or is there something deeper on her part? Maybe you could have a talk with her BEFORE the wedding. Way before! (I remember in “The Graduate” when Dustin Hoffman came and whisked the girl away on her wedding day. You’re right though - Hollywood does tend to gloss these things over a bit.)

Anyway, I’m sorry and I hope it works out somehow!!

4

Sadly, that second “shot” usually arrives after a couple of kids have already. By an even more cruel twist of fate, they’re rarely ever your own.

5

  1. No it doesn’t. It sounds like Blalron has a crush on a woman who sees him only as a friend and who is soon to be married.

  2. Something deeper like what? Having known for some time that Blalron wanted her, she carried on with her man and is now engaged to marry him. What good in the world could possibly come from Blalron ‘having a talk’ with her?

This is some of the worst advice I have ever seen on the SDMB. Not only is it disrespectful to this girl, her future husband, their relationship, and her fidelity, it sets up Blalron to go on being an immature twit about it and to keep getting hurt by her.
Get over it. She’s about to get married. Let it go. At least wait until you’re old enough to drink legally before you try to fuck up somebody’s marriage.

6

Now would be a good time to write some dark poetry and read some heavy existentialist philosophy, because she’s going to get married and break your little heart.

Once you’ve gotten her out of your system, go looking for someone else if you still want a serious relationship. Keep your chin up and try to impress someone else. Remember: You’ve already felt the pain once. It didn’t kill you. The fact that she didn’t dump you says a lot about your chances with someone who isn’t engaged to someone else.

7

I would almost swear my best friend wrote that OP. Exact same situation, here (except I’m not getting married).

My male best friend of 16 years is in love with me. Wants to marry me, etc. Only took him 10 years to get up the nerve to tell me this.

He’s my BEST FRIEND. I love him, but not in “that” way. I wish I could, but ain’t gonna happen.

Hate to tell ya, Blalron, but you don’t stand a chance with her. You’ve crossed that line into “friend” territory. Well, that’s my real-world take on it. But if by some chance you make that wildly romantic move, I wish you luck. Maybe there are storybook romances… Give it a shot, as you have little to lose. One never knows.

8

No, it sucks. :smiley:

9

Awwwww Blalron, I’m sorry. :frowning: You and I can always date, though. I’m a pretty cool guy. And I really liked your story about Bunny Butt Cola and things. You seem like such a nice guy.

10

This person knows you want her; if she wanted you, you’d be together. If she’s happy and marrying the man she loves, it’s monumentally selfish of you to make a scene at their wedding. It’s only romantic in the movies - in real life you’ll embarrass her and her future husband, you’ll embarrass yourself, you’ll mar what should be a joyful event, and you’ll possibly jeopardise your friendship with her.

As you said, life isn’t fair. Sometimes pets die, friends move away, and the people we love don’t always love us back. If you go to her wedding, smile and wish her a long and happy marriage, then go home and try to move on.

Best of luck.

11

Don’t do it Blalron. You’ll regret it, life isn’t a movie. I’m sorry and I understand how dificult it is but just hang in there. You are young (so am I) but I promise you will find another girl and look back someday with a smile on your face about the “true love” who got away. Otherwise you will just look back upon it with embarassment for the rest of your life and ruin the cerimony. Don’t even think about it now, just wish them luck and forget about it. She knows your feelings man, let it go. I was once a person capable of doing such a scene… fortunately I grew up a bit. She seemed more important to have than life itself… well guess what, nobody could ever be that important. And I wish I had someone to tell me these things back then.

12

I know. I won’t actually do that. I was just venting in my OP. In real life, that never really works.

13

You aren’t gonna want to hear this, but the best thing–the nobelest thing—you can do for yourself, for her, and for her fiancee–who loves her every bit as much as you do–is cut her out of your life.

I don’t mean make a big scene, no long conversations, just steadily and consistiently start the process of becoming more and more involved in things that don’t involve her.

You say you love her? If you stay around her, if you remain a major figure in her life and she in yours, you will never, ever, ever get over her, and you will be in horrible, horrible pain.

She will come to symbolize pain to you, and even as you love her you will start to resent her

Because she’s not stupid, she will understand how much pain you are in, and because she’s a nice person, she will feel guilty for causing you pain, even though it’s not her fault. She’ll be in the horrible position of feeling guilty for being happy, and eventually will begin to resent you for putting her in that position.

Until and unless you break this cycle, you will both be trapped in a downward spiral of mutual resentment. You cannot change that unless you get some distance from her. The brain is a funny thing. It can only think about so many things at any one time, and as long as you are seeing her around, your brain will fall into its old habits of thinking of her all the time. You won’t have any brainpower left to think of anything new, to reinvent youself as a person who isn’t defined by this love for her. And you have to go through that process of redefinition. It may take six months, it may take six years, but it won’t start until she quits taking an active role in your life.

After you’ve redefined yourself, after you’ve fallen in and out of love with a couple other people, after you can look back at the person you are now and laugh a bit and cry a bit and shake your head a great deal, then they two of you may well grow to be friends again. After all, she’ll still be a great person. But you can’t do right by her until you’ve got your head on straight, and you can’t do that without some distance.

You need to get very, very busy, very very soon. You will eventually move past this. She will always be an important part of what formed you into the man you become–nothing can change that, because it’s already happened. But there will be others. I promise you—promise you–that in a few years you will be waking up next to somebody very different, your arm snug around them and their hair tickling your face, and for just a minute you will be so grateful that things worked out this way, that you got the chance to experience this wonderful person you never even guessed existed. It’s not an easy road to get to that point, and it takes longer than you think it ought to, but it will happen.

14

What he said. The most painful thing in the world is to try to be in a friendship relationship with a girl you’re in love with. She knew all the facts but she’s marrying this other guy anyway. There is no way you will change her mind. Move on, but drop her a line every few years, if at that point you feel you must, just to keep up contact and get the latest brief. But move on now.

15

Gosh, no one ever said my advice was bad before! Let alone the worst they had ever heard…wow.

White Lightning …To clarify just a bit, I was tired when I wrote that post, and basically when I said it was awful I was speaking of Blalron’s pain. I really felt for him. It sucks!

The reason I was saying he might want to have a talk with her before the wedding is because I thought that if she said that she had no romantic feeling for him whatsoever, it would hurt certainly, but it might also help him to accept it. I also was trying to save him from making a big scene at her wedding - which would be horrendous for everyone concerned!

Of course I should have just waited for Mando Jo to come along! Dang she’s good:)

I promise to never give out advice of any kind unless I’ve gotten my full 7 hours sleep.
That is all…:wink:

16

Don’t feel bad; I’m pretty sure that “worst advice ever” bit was referring to kambuckta’s post, not yours. :slight_smile:

17

Shayna: That was certainly directed at kambuckta. Your advice was overly-romantic and read more into her feelings than was justified, but it wasn’t nearly as bad as kambuckta’s advice.

White Lightning responded well to both posts, actually.

18

Damn my brain’s autospellcheck. Shana it should be, and Shayna it was. I apologize.

(On second thought, don’t damn my brain’s autospellcheck. It’s useful when I wield the Blue Pencil of Death.)

19

One more vote for: You want her. She knows this. She doesn’t want you. Get over it.

It hurts, but you really will live through it.

20

Blalron,

So, do you think she loves her fiancee? And her fiancee loves her? And they are compatible? Its hard to look at these things objectively (I know, I’ve watched a love marry), but if she is happy, and has good chances to continue to be happy, then you need to try to be happy for her.

(If she doesn’t stand a reasonable chance of being happy. If, objectively - when you take yourself out of the picture, she is marrying a jerk, or a nice guy whose values and goals are so off kilter from her own, or she doesn’t really seem to love him, you need to talk to her - admitting your “involvement” but removing yourself from the conversation as much as possible - and letting you know you will support her in whatever decision she makes.)

And don’t dump her friendship, unless you lack the self control needed. If I dumped all the guy friends that I loved (and I’m happily and monogomously married), I’d be missing some of the most important friendships in my life. The human heart is amazingly elastic - not only will yours bounce back, it will make room to love someone else and still have room for tenderness for her.

It sucks. And it hurts. And, at the same time, there is something wonderful about watching someone you love be happy.