IANAblack woman, but I will tell you what I’ve heard from the black ladies I have known. From what they’ve told me as regards interracial dating, there is some pressure put on some (not neccesarily all, I suppose, but at least some) black women not to date interracially. They’re told that they should pursue black men and that ‘black love’ is the most fulfilling for them. I’ve also been told that black women are taught that their features, hair, whatever, won’t be appreciated by non-black men, that they are seen as ugly. Also, if they were to date interracially, the largest group available to them is white men, which for complicated historical and sociological reasons may not be the most appealing to them. So you’ve got the potent combination of loyalty to your people + no one else will want you + even if someone does, he’ll be a white boy.
Is this inaccurate? Of course. Do billions of people sincerely believe inaccurate things that they are taught, every day? Of course.
However, this same stigma either doesn’t exist or is much lessened for black men (oh, the double standard). So black men are free to date women of any race, leaving black women to save themselves for that one special black man. Do all of them? Of course not. Do some? Yes.
This reminds me of a story my friend Miss Kitty told me once (not her RL name, obviously). Kitty is a fabulous black woman in her 40s. Years ago, she went clubbing in Miami with a friend of hers. Kitty is dancing with a white guy when she looks over and sees her friend beating the crap out of a guy who’s propositioned her. Kitty runs over to try to break up the fight – and suddenly this white woman jumps her from behind, yelling “you black bitches, trying to take our men!” and then there’s ANOTHER fight, completely unrelated to the first one! Anyway, Miss Kitty and her friend made it out more or less safely, but man, what luck.
I don’t know. There are some for whom I think it would be a problem, no matter what race, but mostly it’s about white/black.
Even our neighbor, who was a preacher, said something to me on more than one occasion about not bringing home any black boys. This would have been when I was younger than ten. It was a joke, but not a joke.
This is a very wise and healthy viewpoint. As far as I’m concerned, if my family was against me being with someone who made me happy and treated me the way I should be treated, then they aren’t fulfilling their role as supportive, loving family members. My mother grew up in a time and place where race was a sore subject. Would she be pissed if I brought home a Chinese or black guy? Probably. Would she damn well put up with it if she wants to be part of my life? Hell yes. My heart pumps panther piss for what my brother thinks.
I mean this as a sincere question, and not as an attack, so please bear with me. My overriding concern when I hear something like this is that it promotes an endless cycle.
Do you have, or do you plan to have children? And if so, do you think it’s OK for them to grow up within your family believing that interracial dating is wrong? Where do you draw the line? At what point do you decide that it’s more important to educate your family, or, if there’s no hope along that line, to at least stand up to them, rather than give in to what isn’t right (assuming you feel it isn’t right)?
While I can understand the irritation of these women in that the men they’re interested in are looking elsewhere for partners (c’est l’amour, alas), the idea that white women should “step aside” is unbelievably offensive. I mean, do they think that black men are so utterly enslaved to their irrational desire for white women that the white women should rebuff them “for their own good” so that the men will be forced to choose from among “their own kind” for partners (which also relegates all black women to the role of “also-ran”)? Jeebus, these women have some issues.
I wouldn’t want to date someone of any color who considered me an idiot and themselves mediocre and racist to boot.
I do have children. The kids love their aunts, uncles, and grandparents but understand that most of them are loons.
I don’t see any point arguing with them because there really is no hope. As far as standing up to them, interracial dating hasn’t ever been an issue. If we have to start World War III, it’s more likely going to be about homosexuality.
But you still feel that you would rather exorcise your (hypothetical) feelings for someone of another race rather than deal with a family stand-off, is that correct?
I read the whole thread and I wanted to add a few somewhat unrelated points:
Point 1: My parents reacted like crazy people to me dating out of the race. I mean, crazy! I had it worse with my first BF when he was Indian but Protestant, but they didn’t like my current, either.
Sucks to be them, I guess. I wasn’t going to marry an Indian - especially a first-gen Indian who’d grown up in India - just to make them happy.
Point 2: I haven’t ever dated a black or a Muslim man. As I think I mentioned but am too lazy to check, both of these would freak out my parents even more. However it’s moot because the only black men who have ever asked me out have specifically indicated they are doing so solely because I’m Indian. And basically implied I should date them because it would freak my family out, you know, for the rebelliousness of it. Bwuh? No thanks, I don’t date to freak my parents out. I date, and it happens to freak my parents out.
Point 3: As I said above, I also wouldn’t marry an Indian who’d grown up in India. Chiefly because the ones I have met all have really, really weird feelings about their mom. i don’t mean anything sick or improper. They are just very, very attached to their moms, more than I am willing to put up with. My man loves his mom but also sees flaws in her and likes to live 3+ hours away (and visit when possible, and invite them up here) - I am happy with that.
I don’t think I’m compatible with most Korean guys because of the cultural difference - that’s the gist of it. I have no trouble with Korean men per se. I’ve just never met a Korean guy that I was compatible with in terms of long term dating. Many of them (although not all) have very dated attitudes about a lot of things.
If it was a simply matter of preferring white guys, I could have dated them in college if I really wanted to. God knows there are plenty of single white men in this city.
And LA Korean Americans are a completely different breed. They scare me.
Good question, and the short answer is yes.
The rest is: I can feel something without acting on it, and the family stand-off would have potential for violence.
My daughter had a crush on a Cuban guy (nothing came of it). Since we don’t live in the same city as my family, if we don’t bring it up at Thanksgiving dinner or post it on Facebook, they’ll never know.
My parents have always been very vocal about their opinions that I could date whoever I wanted but that I had to marry a white guy. Apparently you can’t have interracial kids because then they don’t belong to any culture and will be left to die alone in the cold with no friends. :rolleyes: The guy I am marrying in August is white which makes them very happy. He is also Jewish which is making them rethink their whole “no interracial marraige” policy at this point because I could possibly choose to be Jewish some day but I don’t have the option of converting to black. I learned long ago they are full of hate for pretty much everyone and not to take their opinion into account about anything.
I’m in an interracial marriage (I’m white, she’s Hispanic).
I’ll say “never was consciously” allowing for the fact that I never found myself interested in a black or Indian or Middle Eastern or whatever female enough to worry about her race vs asking her out. I really think this was more a question of circumstance than choice, though.
Don’t think so. I can’t remember the last interracial couple I’ve come across.
I suppose “turned off” but I’d at least be curious to hear why. If it’s because she had some strong ethnic connection she wanted to carry on, that’s different (to me) than “Because blacks are all thieves and welfare lay-abouts.”
As for my own experiences against the outside world… I haven’t really had any. My family is cool with it (almost too cool to the point that they occasionally say some dumb stuff they wouldn’t say in front of a Hispanic co-worker) and her family is fine with it (her father was more worried about making sure I was Catholic). I place part of this on the fact that she’s Peruvian whereas most Hispanics in the area are Mexicans. So people – in my guesstimation – think of her more from some exotic locale and associate her less with with personal prejudices against Hispanics. She also has some indigenous features so she can pass for Asian or Polynesian for people who don’t know better. Oh, and her English is flawless which makes it that much harder to pin down where she’s from if you want to go hatin’ on her.
Having said that, she has told me before that she’s gotten dirty looks from people when we’re together. This has totally gone past my radar but I’m certainly willing to accept that she’s more in tune with that sort of thing than I am.
Anaamika put this better than I did. IMO, Indian men who’ve grown up in India have odd relationships with their mothers, and they also have odd expectations of what marriage and partnerships should be like with women. My dad (an Indian who grew up in India) and his BFF from med school are the only two men I’ve met who didn’t have those strange issues. But they also rejected large portions of their culture very quickly when they came to the US (didn’t want their extended family to live with them, had a falling out with their families when they rejected arranged marriages, went on to marrying and having kids with non-Indians, are irreligious).
I haven’t dated many guys (6 or so?), so my answer is purely hypothetical. But my younger brother has slept with probably 20 different women (he’s 19) and dated many more - all white or Asian but one. My parents had a visceral reaction to him bringing home a black girl. My brother disappeared into his room and left them to talk to her. By the time he came back, my mom was over the moon with her - turns out she was premed, going to be an anesthesiologist, very outgoing. So while they’ve made comments about wanting the kids to marry one of their races (eg, a Latino or a North Indian), and not to date someone black, IRL they fell in love with the girlfriend’s personality and career aspirations. It’s kind of how they also say that they don’t believe in interracial marriage. :rolleyes: They’re both oblivious to the fact they’re in one.
Conversely, I remember my brother bringing home a gorgeous white model who dropped out of college - and my parents were So Not Okay with that.
My family hasn’t had a reaction to me dating interracially; it would be kind of hard to be, since for all intents and purposes, all my dating is at least half interracial.
In terms of black women getting the short end of the stick, I see that a little bit with Indian women. Some female friends I made while active in an Indian student group on campus have trouble with dating. They seem to want more traditional homes and temple visits, whereas the male counterparts in the group want more Westernized girls, often even tending towards white women. I’ve heard it in passing described as a trophy of sorts for successful Indian men (marrying a white woman), but I dunno how much truth there is to that. The only truly up-close interracial relationships I see are folks my parents’ ages (54 and 64), and they seem to moreso have married someone in their field (engineers marry engineers, professors marry professors, doctors marry doctors) than anything else.
I don’t think it’s something that can be distilled into a platitude like ‘‘white women shouldn’t date black men.’’ One thing I didn’t add is that this issue was raised in my class by my professor, who has been a black civil rights activist for over 50 years. He is married to a white woman. He has dealt with plenty of shit for it, too, but ultimately he had to do what made him happy.
What matters, I think, is that they are aware of all the issues that go with it, and sensitive to the feelings of others. I’m sure you would know far better than I about the challenges and issues raised in an interracial relationship.
I just know that I always viewed it before as a kind of reverse-discrimination or jealousy issue, but after that very candid conversation in my racism class between blacks and whites alike, I can’t dismiss it out of hand the way I once did.
While awareness and sensitivity in general are good traits, I honestly can’t think of any aspect of our relationship that I’d be willing to change in order to reflect awareness or to behave sensitively. I can’t really even think what that would look like.
We weren’t planning on having sex in the middle of a restaurant. (Well, I’ll speak for myself and say I wasn’t, at least.) We weren’t planning on getting into someone’s face and screaming, “We’re an interracial couple. Booyah!”
So, how does sensitivity in this issue reveal itself? This will sound snider than I intend, but is it like a gay couple being expected to hide their affection lest someone be offended or squicked out? If I kiss him in the airport, am I insensitive or shoving my relationship into someone’s face?
I recognize that there are people who may not like our relationship, but I guess I don’t really grasp what I’m supposed to do about that.
Honestly, by this point, I think my parents (well, my father and stepfather, who are the only ones left; my mother and stepmother have passed away) would be thrilled to see me in a stable long-term relationship with anyone.
They scare me.