Something very embarrassing happened today and I feel like kicking myself for it.
First, I must point out that it’s totally customary here for men and women who are acquainted to greet each other with a kiss on the cheek.
Now, there’s a woman I know and like a lot who is used to kissing each cheek. This has led to the occasional awkward ballet between us as we’re not always quite sure what the other will do. From the start, she’s also had the habit of putting her hand on my shoulder while doing so. I’ve never reciprocated in order not to look like I was taking advantage of the situation.
Earlier today, I was saying goodbye to her for the holidays and it was ballet time again. During the short moment of confusion, for the first time, I put the tip of my fingers on her left shoulder blade and, as I pulled away, my hand very biefly but unmistakably brushed her breast. I swear it was absolutely involuntary but I noticed it and there’s no way she didn’t notice it, too. She didn’t say anything, I sure as hell didn’t mention it either, and we kept on talking for a couple of minutes before I took my leave. She’s very busy today so there’s no way, I’ll get to clarify things until we meet again in mid-August and it would be awkward anyway (“By the way, remember earlier today when I touched your breast ? Totally didn’t mean to, I swear”). Best to leave it at that, I guess. Still, I feel bad about it, as she’s someone I really care for and definitely don’t want her to think that I’m also “one of those guys” after all.
Now, I know everyone is different so that I won’t know how she really felt about it, but I’d still like to have an idea of how female dopers feel bout this sort of situation. Men are free to participate if they have a relevant anecdote but I’d like the poll to be for women only.
Of course I’d be suspicious. I’d be watching your behavior very carefully the next time we meet or speak to see if you are trying to make a change in the relationship.
My advice to you is never to mention it unless she does. The better approach in the moment would have been to apologize profusely and let her see your embarrassment. But everyone has at some point suffered from the same stoic urge to pretend a horror never occurred. Anyone with any social experience knows that these things happen.
Anyone with any womanly experience also knows that sometimes men try to cop a feel and make it seem innocent. You can’t be sure. But the overall context of a person’s behavior over the course of time is what makes it clear. So just be polite and treat her with respect, and let it go.
If you did it once, I would say “I don’t like being touched. Please don’t do it again.” If you did it again, you’d get it as only I know how to give it.
Is it someone I know to be a pig? I assume it wasn’t involuntary.
Is it someone I know to be a decent guy? I assume it was involuntary.
Is it someone I don’t know well? It will depend on how embarrassed/stiff he looks, but in general and coming from a culture which tends to have that exact ballet you mention with you across-the-border people, I’d assume involuntary until proven otherwise.
In the case mentioned in the OP, if you brought it up weeks later I’d be muuuuuch more freaked out than when it happened. Just let it be. After 36+ years I’m perfectly conscious that sometimes tits just get in the way.
Yeah, I’m not going to mention it at all, and sincerely apologize if she does when we meet again next month.
The thing that really bothers me, apart from the incident itself, is that it had to happen on the very last day before the holidays and mere minutes after she had told me she felt at ease with me. Way to prove I’m worth her trust :smack:.
Anyway, for the moment, all I can do is remember that she didn’t say anything when it happened and that we kept on talking pretty much normally for a few minutes afterwards. Plus, when I left, she joined her palms in a “thank you” gesture*, then smiled and waved as I was going out the door. Tentatively, I’d say it’s ok, but I’ll sure be extra careful to stick to my original habit of not reciprocating her touch.
*I’d helped her carry some heavy boxes earlier this morning and, more generally, it seems that I’ve been one of the few people who has actually taken the time to talk to her since she arrived last Winter.
If it’s someone I’ve known a long time who has never in the past copped a feel I’d be inclined to think it was truly accidental. Especially if there isn’t a repeat.
It only really becomes awkward, to me, when the toucher blows up with either apologies or jokes. Then it becomes embarrassing for the touchee.
She noticed, she probably thought “glad he didn’t make a big deal out of it” but she also definitely filed it away for future reference and will be quite upset if it happens again.
This sums up my thoughts pretty well. In general, I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt. Plus, at my age, I don’t find myself in such situations anyway, but thinking back, I recall a few skeevy encounters that I was too shy/scared to make an issue over which I’m pretty sure were intentional.
I value her company too much to allow it to happen again. If she feels like putting her hand on my shoulder, I’ll let her but I’ll make sure to keep mine off.
Asked the wife. Back of hand or side of hand? Easy to dismiss as accidental. Front of hand under arm area? OK, still easier to dismiss. Front of hand over nipple? She should have clocked you.
If you’re still uncertain how she perceived it, show her this forum thread and poll. Show her you’ve done some research about it. I’m sure that will put her mind at ease.
Definitely NOT the last bit. For the rest, it’s difficult to say because it happened very quickly but I think it may actually have been my knuckles. I was closing my hand while moving away from her.
If it was someone I already knew to be a decent fellow, I’d write it off as an accident. If it was a stranger, I’d be suspicious. If it happened again, my opinion of the decent fellow would change.
I (a man) struggle with this. I am occasionally invited for a greeting-type hug with a (non-specific) woman, and when one of my arms ends up under her arm, it feels too intimate to me to wrap my arm all the way around to her back…and so I often end up with my hand pretty much under her arm. At the same time, I’m aware that under this circumstance my palm is dangerously close to her breast. Bottom line, platonic male-female hugs make me uncomfortable because I’m scared that no matter what I do with my hands/arms, someday my intentions will be misunderstood and my actions will make her uncomfortable, and I will forever after be regarded as creepy/suspicious.
