First off, I’m hoping that this doesn’t come off sounding bad; it certainly isn’t meant in a negative light, but might be taken that way. With that being said up front, I’ll get to my questions:
After watching the most recent episode of 6 Ft. Under, the one where Keith and David go to the Sunday Brunch of one of the Gay Men’s Chorus, I wondered about friendships among the gay community. My Dad and one of my brothers are both gay; my Dad has mostly gay friends, whereas my brother seems to have a mix of both gay and straight friends. Years ago, I had several gay friends that I hung out with, but as I got into a long-term relationship and had children, we lost touch (and most unfortunately, they passed also have passed away, from AIDS); it never bothered me that I might have been looked on as a “fag hag,” but that is what some women who hang out with gay men are called.
I think my Dad just feels more comfortable with other gays; he spent a good part of his life “repressing” his natural tendancy, whereas my brother has pretty much been out since college. So, are most of your friends gay, or do you have a mix of gay/straight friends? Is there any particular reason why for either?
Most of my friends are Queer. In my case, that’s because I had very few friends in general until I came out, so having made most of my friends in Queer circles, I tend to expand out from there. Also I’m involved in a number of Queer groups, so I make friends there, just as I make friends in political, religious, etc. groups.
Also, it is somewhat easier to make friends with other Queer people since you don’t have to explain a number of things (relationships, sex, cultural references, etc.) or worry as much about shocking people or getting homophobic reactions. There are a certain number of cultural differences between the Queer and straight communities, so it’s like with any cultural group.
Of course, there are plenty of Queer people with lots of straight friends. It all depends on what path your life has taken. Just that it’s not unusual that a Queer person would have many Queer friends.
I was an Extreme Fag Hag throughout much of my time at University. Being a drama student will do that to you.
Unfortunately, most of my friendships with the gay men I hung out with went horribly bad. (That’s a story for another time.)
I am not heterosexual myself, yet am in a hetero relationship. I still get along famously with gay men. In fact, a lot of times, there is a huge magnet factor. However, I do not keep in contact with many of them on a regular basis.
As for lesbians? I don’t have many female friends, period. I’m too straight for the lesbians, and too queer for the straight ones.
I just meet more gay men than lesbians in my field of interest. But I would say even amounts of gays and heteros within my circle of friends, all together.
Echoing Matt somewhat, I had few straight friends before I came out, and only one of those now knows that I am gay.
Basically, I am more comfortable with gay people and in gay venues. Being around straight men bragging about their conquests when I can’t brag about mine (few though they are) is extremely frustrating.
Certainly, my search for a life partner will be more likely to be successful in those venues (my gaydar works poorly, if at all).
Bob
Guess it depends on when and where.
When we lived in hot Gay areas of Berlin, New York and West Hollywood, my SO and I had mostly Gay friends (duh) and now that we live in Las Vegas, we have fewer (local) Gay friends.
However, the parties we throw here are just as fun as those we have had in other locations over the years.
Oddly enough, although we are two caucasion guys, 50% of our US friends over the years who come to visit us here in Las Vegas are heterosexual black women. Have never quite figured out why (none of them are “fag hags” at all) but that’s the way it is.
I don’t think it really matters all that much if your friends are Gay or not, as long as they are friends.
And as far as that episode of Six Feet Under…well, I knew quite a few members of the LA Gay Mens Chorus and that filmed party scene was not that far off the mark - but trust me, I am not the only Gay guy would wouldn’t go to a party like that at gunpoint. Just not my style…I think Keith would have had a better time at one of our parties.
My circle of friends is queer, and there’s a couple of women in that circle that I consider quasi-queer because even thought they’re straight, all of their friends are gay. (But they don’t fit the stereotypical “fag hag” image.)
My work acquaintances are straight. I’m out at work and talk openly about gay things and my husband Jeremy, etc.
My AA home group is a gay/lesbian discussion group. My sponsor is gay (an old queen from Liverpool, actually).
The acid test is whether or not my relationship,is given the same reverance and respect as a straight one, or just merely tolerated.
Thanks for the replies so far, folks! Yes, DMark, Keith was mighty uncomfortable at the brunch. Heck, I had to look up Gretchen Mol in the IMDB myself.
My Dad had been considering a move to a somewhat rural community, one that probably has few if any “out” gays. Similarly, my brother and his SO were thinking of moving to the same sort of locale. I think both have decided against it; both locales, incidentally, probably have a high percentage of “good old boys,” that is rednecks. I don’t know -why- my Dad was thinking that he’d be able to live like that! I mean, it would probably mean back to semi-repression mode, at least when in the company of the local redneck-types. He did like the area, though and I guess was thinking that he could visit an urban community every so often. But my brothers and I were thinking, "uh oh, he’s going to repress until he’s in some public place and someone makes a rude comment about gays, and then he’s going to explode, and it will ultimately end up being very bad and hurtful for him. My brother did admit to me recently that yes, he feels more comfortable with and around other gays–doesn’t have to be cautious about what he says as well as not having to listen to what others sometimes say without thinking.
Well this is going to sound pretty pathetic, but here it goes…
I used to have predominately straight friends back in the Netherlands. There just aren’t that many gays in a town of 8000.
Then I moved to the States and surrounded myself with gay guys outside work and the straights at work. They never mingled though…then I got fed up with the flaky, shallow crowd I hung out with in the weekends…managed to alienate quite a lot of them and now go through live basically friendless.
My SO has an issue with keeping in contact with friends…which leaves us pretty pathetically without friends at the moment…
I have a mix of straight and gay friends. My longest lasting best friend is a straight male. His wife is really a hoot. I wish I lived closer to them. As for close by friends, I have a mix of gay and straight friends though have been tending to hang out with my gay friends a bit more. Still my closest “straight male” friend may as well be a fag hag since he keeps hinting that he wants to sleep with me. I wonder how straight others would consider him.
I have a mix of gay and straight friends. But I find myself gravitating towards my gay friends, to whom I feel a closer level of comfort and closeness.
I’m still in touch with many of my long-term straight friends, and I make straight friends through my daughter, but I’d still say that the majority of my friends are lesbians. It’s mainly because they go to the same places as me. But it’s also because I like these women better than most straight women of my own age. For them it all seems to be about men, relationships, sex with men, sexy men on TV, how crap men are, men, men, and make-up. I do of course have straight female friends who aren’t like that, but when it comes to looser friendships and social acquaintances, gay women are more fun for me.
I’m still in touch with many of my long-term straight friends, and I make straight friends through my daughter, but I’d still say that the majority of my friends are lesbians. It’s mainly because they go to the same places as me. But it’s also because I like these women better than most straight women of my own age. For them it all seems to be about men, relationships, sex with men, sexy men on TV, how crap men are, men, men, and make-up. I do of course have straight female friends who aren’t like that, but when it comes to looser friendships and social acquaintances, gay women are more fun for me.
My friends are mostly a mix, though I would say most are straight. When I came out, I hung out with the campus gay community, but I found that other than orientation I had little in common with them. There were no other computer science students, and and many of them, though not all, were more interested in who was, um, dating whom, and celebrity gossip than current events, politics, technology, and other things I was interested in. So I went back to the computer science and pen-and-paper gaming communities I was involved in before coming out. Since they all said “so?” about me being gay, it was never a problem. So, while I have a few gay friends (mostly thanks to Esprix), most of my friends, those who share my interests, are straight.
(From time to time I wish I had more gay friends. It’s a kinship thing more than anything else. Unfortunately, my partner and I live too far away from the local gay “ghetto” to just go and “hang out” there in the hopes of meeting more gay people like us.)
Most of my friends are straight males. I just find them more fun to be around. My boyfriend and I have recently tried to socialize more with other gay men, but the cattiness is a big turnon for me.
Queer, for the most part. I had a few straight friends back home, but I’ve actually been making more out here in California.
And, Walloon:
What makes you think that’s how we choose our friends? Granted I tend to hang out in gay-owned/gay-friendly establishments, so I am more apt to meet gay people than straight, but that’s not how I choose my friends - I usually use the old stand-bys like character, integrity, honesty… you know, weird stuff like that. :rolleyes:
Most of my friends are str8, but that is probably because I was friends with them before I came out and also there isn’t really a gay community where I live. In fact, in our little gang I am the only openly 100% gay person. Two of the girls I’m friends with are kind of bi and one is extremely closeted.
I have a whole whack of gay internet friends, but of course they are all gay guys because I met them in the online Madonna community.
My friends are a hodge podge of straight, gay, and bi.
No rhyme or reason.
I am wondering about another phenomenon in context with the OP… I’ve seen a lot of gay circles be quite incestuous and have quite a few friends with priveledges as well as interfriend dating. I’ve seen it quite a bit and have shunned it generally for the dysfunctional dynamic I’ve seen.
Granted I tend to hang out in gay-owned/gay-friendly establishments, so I am more apt to meet gay people than straight, but that’s not how I choose my friends - I usually use the old stand-bys like character, integrity, honesty… you know, weird stuff like that. :rolleyes: