So one of my best friends, Will, has/had a brain tumour. He also has a girlfriend (Paula) he has only known half a year, and she is awesome. Easily my favourite of all his girlfriends.
Imagine that: they met and suddenly overnight he turned from an active guy into a blob who didn’t want to do anything. When he got lost on the way to his mother’s house she took him straight to A&E, and they soon found a massive honking big tumour in his brain.
Monday last week he was operated on and they removed part of the tumour. He seemed to be recovering well, but then suddenly went really woozy and they had to rush him in for emergency surgery. When he came out of that he was in pretty bad shape.
And Paula is there, in the hospital. All the time. She’s patient with him when he forgets things and when he is irrationally irritated or demanding. He hasn’t been himself for ages, it must be like she doesn’t have a boyfriend at all and she only had him for a few months before he changed. She keeps asking me “he isn’t normally like that, right?”
I want to get her something, just a little thing, to show her that I see what she does for him and that I know how hard it is for her. But I don’t know her that well yet. Everything since I have known her has been about “how is he doing today”. I know she is a dietician, I know she loves her nieces and nephews. She was nice to my dog, which gets anyone points from me.
She likes Will, but she already has one of those.
I’d like to get her something to get her through the hospital times. So I was wondering if Dopers who have sat by a bedside for a long time could give me advice. Was there anything you needed there, something someone perhaps gave you? Something you have seen since you wish you had had? She has at least two more weeks of sitting in hospital to go. She’s wiped out, at the end of her tether and she misses Will. I give her hugs every day, but I wanna give her a… something. (Preferably a make-everything-better-machine, do they sell those on Ebay?)
The thing about these situations is that you spend a lot of time sitting in a chair doing nothing. You’re not really bored, because you’re feeling too stressed to be bored. But in a way, you are. And you can’t really concentrate on anything for a distraction, because you’re too damned stressed to do that.
I’ve found those puzzle books to be quite good, not the complicated ones but the reasonably easy ones with a variety of puzzles (crosswords, find a word, soduko). It’s something you can pick up and noodle through for a few minutes, but if anything happens, you can just put it down and leave it. Maybe a few of those, with a really nice pen that she can keep? That seems a suitable gift for someone you don’t know that well.
Sandra, that description sounds exactly like what she is going through (and yes, she is awesome!) Sounds like you did some sitting at a bedside yourself, I hope everything is better now! I like the idea of a puzzle book with a pen that is nice enough to actually mean something.
She has an iPhone, Fishtar, does audible.com sell music?
A comfortable cushion of the sort that can go underneath you or behind your back.
Warm slippers that she could leave there.
A fluffy chenille throw blanket.
If she drinks coffee a box of Starbucks “Via” she can add to the hospital coffee to get some flavor into the equation. Or a box of mixed herbal teas.
General interest magazines. Maybe Discover or Scientific American? Not Cosmo types things, but maybe something specific to her work - something that acknowledges that she has other capacities and helps to keep her brain engaged. If there’s a Barnes and Noble close by, ask at the information desk. But I’d advise periodicals or short stories rather then larger books.
I like the blanket idea too, it’s been really rainy here lately and she gets to the hospital inevitably damp, the way you can’t avoid no matter the raincoat and brolly. Same for the slippers! Or perhaps a nice warm cardigan she can slip into when she gets there? I think I could get her something she would like…
Audiobooks are also probably a good idea, or an iTunes gift certificate, but if I could afford an iPad I would have an iPad
A massage. Even if she doesn’t want to leave his side, can you get a massage therapist to go to her? Lots of sitting in a hospital can make you feel miserable.
When my friend’s husband was in the hospital for heart surgery I made her a gift bag that was a big hit.
Snacks like Flavored almonds and trail mix
A deck of playing cards for solitaire
A deck of Uno cards for when he was recovering or when other people were sitting with her
A blank journal and a set of fancy markers/pens for doodling (she’s artsy)
Her favorite soda
An iTunes gift card
3 or 4 magazines
Crossword puzzles
Fancy lotion
Hand sanitizer
Puffs tissues because the cheap ones suck when you are crying a lot.
Someone else gave her a stack of origami paper and a small book with simple origami instructions that was popular with her and other visitors as well.
When I was in my 20’s I was a hospital patient for a while and someone gave me a care package with some cute stuff in it. I remember a notepad and pencil, word searches, crayons and coloring book (which was my favorite thing actually), cards, Silly Putty, a Slinky, some scented powder and lotion, lip balm, socks, mints and gum, and other things I can’t recall. I loved it! Mine didn’t have snacks in it because I was on a special diet but yours can. Or you could include several rolls of quarters for the vending machines. Also, ask her if there’s any errands you can run for her or offer to sit with him while she takes a break to pamper herself with a haircut, manicure, or some other luxury. Bring her lunch. Bring her Starbucks. Or just tell her how much you appreciate her being so sweet to your friend. That would probably mean more than you think.
I sure hope Will gets better. Paula sounds like a keeper, a “for better or worse” kind of gal. I think Tamarin’s list sounded cool. Perhaps an addition of packs of Trivial pursuit cards. Not the whole game, just the cards. I know a diner that keeps those on the tables so people have something fun to mess around with while waiting for their food.
I think the best gift you can give her is support.
Can you spend time with her at the hospital?
Can you just drop by for an hour in the evening and tell her “I’ll keep an eye on him - go eat or take a nap”?
Even though she’s not alone I bet she’s lonely.
I was going to suggest magazines, since hospital sitters are often interrupted and books take more concentration than it’s often possible to give.
I haven’t been in Paula’s situation for many years but I work in a hospital and I know that the parents who are there 24/7 most appreciate being able to leave their child for a short while, so that they can have a decent cup of coffee, a shower, a run around the park or just some fresh air.
So, on second thoughts, I’m with zoid if this is at all doable.
The gift of time is wonderful in this situation, but if you’re looking for something material:
When my husband was in the hospital, the single best thing anyone provided for me was an acrylic, machine washable cape, similar to this. (Mine didn’t have pockets, but pockets would have been awesome.) In addition to keeping me warm outdoors, it kept me and whatever I was carrying dry on drizzly days, doubled as a blanket when I needed a nap, or wadded up as a pillow. (I don’t suppose this is an issue for Paula, but my wrap worked beautifully to provide a little modesty when I was nursing the baby and had a room full of visitors, and I used it as a baby blanket on those rare occasions when Littlest Miss would let me put her down for a nap.) The one-size-fits-all nature meant that I could toss it to my then-12-year-old daughter or to my mother-in-law if either needed to get something from the car. And it could go straight into the washer and dryer as needed. If mine had been equipped with pockets, it would have been the single greatest piece of fabric in history!
Another memorable item I got was a basket of individually-wrapped snacks, plus a small collection of non-wrinkled bills and coins for the downstairs vending machines. Also, socks - but that was because I had forgotten to pack those, home was 60 miles away, and I put out an SOS on Facebook because my feet smelled like toxic waste! But still, a nice warm pair of socks or slippers would be great for a caregiver. Books and magazines have been mentioned, and I did receive some of those, but it was really hard to concentrate on anything for any length of time, with constant visitors, medical attendance, etc.
Oh, and anyone who brought me a cup of decent coffee zoomed straight to the top of my “People I Like A Lot” list!
Does the hospital charge for parking? Can you buy parking passes for her? One of my friends talked to the nurse and was able to buy me a couple of week’s worth of parking stickers, which was totally awesome. It doesn’t seem like much, but when I was taking time off work and paying $5 a day for the privilege, it really really helped and felt like it was, I don’t know, condoning and validating my time as well spent right where I was at the bedside.
I concur with ideas like hospital cafeteria gift card, quarters and bills for vending machine, parking vouchers. Attending someone in the hospital can get expensive and she may be missing work at the same time!
I really like the massage therapist idea too, a therapist who could travel to the bedside with a massage chair would be a great gift.
