I have a friend whose life has been pretty much a shit sandwich this year.
She was diagnosed with a serious chronic illness a couple years ago.
Her husband has been very ill with an aggressive cancer since late last year and things are not looking all that great for him at the moment. She also has two close relatives who are not handling this very well and in addition to dealing with his illness, she needs to emotionally support these people too.
Her current life involves going to work, going to the hospital to visit her spouse and then going home, all while running interference with these relatives to keep them from breaking down/freaking out in front of her already medically fragile husband. She also has to remember to take care of herself in there somewhere as well.
Her birthday is coming up soon. Obviously what she’d most like to have is beyond my means to give, but in absence of that I’d like to give her something that would either make her life a tad easier or make her smile a bit amongst all the other bad juju.
I am 500 miles away, so I can’t do anything in person, but any other ideas from people who’ve been where she is now would be most appreciated. Thanks.
Or, a “Spa day.”
Always a big win with my wife - if she can afford 3-4 hours of her time one day, it is a way for her to be pampered and away from the rest of the world.
Assuming she will actually be able to get away to enjoy it, then yes, an ‘experience gift’ such as a spa day, a pottery course, or anything relaxing and wholesome would probably be good.
Given your description of the situation though, there would seem to be a risk that she will appreciate the gesture, but feel unable to pull herself away from her sick husband for a day, to enjoy the gift - so it might end up being postponed indefinitely. If she has a close friend local to her, I would suggest buying the gift for her plus her friend, then get the friend to manage her into actually following it through.
Just curious: if you had all the money in the world, what would you get her?
Followed by my two cents: after my husband died, people gave me certificates for massage, and I never used them. After I was diagnosed with breast cancer, I got two certificates for spa services and I never used them. And I like massages-- I trained as a massage therapist years ago. I just never get around to using gift certificates for services. <shrug> Maybe it’s just me. You might ask her and gauge her response carefully, because this is something (IMHO) that women think they *should *like and want, but I dunno…
Many times during my husband’s many hospitalizations, my life was the way you describe hers-- to work, to hospital, to home, rinse and repeat. (Minus dealing with family, as my H and I were/are both only children.) People used to want to take me to dinner and stuff but the only place in the world I wanted to be was at his bedside. Again, maybe just me.
Books, maybe music in a format of her choice, house-cleaning service? I’m trying to think of what I would have wanted…
How about a long phone call from you every week, say, on Sunday evening, when she can unload all the stresses and stories of the past week? I know that won’t cost any $$, but a price can’t be put on the availability of a friend who will listen and listen and listen. I got tired of updating my husband’s latest medical report, and I could tell that some friends got tired of hearing it. But the few who were always available to listen were worth their weight in gold. The ones who didn’t zone out, who provided that space for me to open and unburden my heart for as long and as often as I wanted to… that is a gift that is truly priceless.
Hope this helps.
Maybe others who have been in her sitch will chime in.
How is she with food? Is she eating a ton of fast food because it is all she has the time/money for? Or not eating at all for the same reason? If so, what about a prepared food delivery?
Do you have an inside joke that could be turned into a gift? Or even just a funny card?
I agree with house cleaning. I don’t think “spa day” or massage sessions are for everyone, and for someone in her position it might make her feel worse/guilty if she is away being pampered while her husband is sick in bed.
But she can spend time with her husband and have a big need filled if someone was there to professionally clean her house.
If you’re on Facebook check to see if there are any Facebook groups for her area. You can ask there for recommendations on who to hire.
This is great! Thanks so much. I could send something like this with her birthday card.
I’d thought of something like a massage or spa day too, but as some of you have said, I don’t think at this point she’d take the time to use it, even if I could recruit someone else to go with her. Also, the illness she herself has is a bit of a complicating factor - I’m not sure this would be a good idea medically. Something less involved like a mani-pedi might work though.
And we do talk, ThelmaLou. We’ve developed a system where I text her (so I’m not interrupting if she’s doing something more important) and then she lets me know when she can talk. I do think that helps her.
Fortunately she does have family to help with housecleaning, but I don’t know about cooking. I’m going to think more about that - what might be helpful in this instance. I think some gift cards for restaurants near the hospital might be an idea - and if she were allowed to bring something in for her husband, that would be great too. Thanks for bringing that up, MareIt.
And thanks to everyone for your thoughts - I’ve been stuck on what to do, and you all are helping unstick me.
Awww… that’s great. You have no idea (I guess) how much that helps. After a while, when you’re stuck in the situation she’s in, you start to feel like you’re taking advantage of your friends and burdening them with your same ol’ tale of woe told over and over again. And frankly, many friends will let you know in subtle ways that you ARE burdening and boring them. People who would just listen endlessly as I complained endlessly were the absolute best! And I mean listening without trying to fix, or cheer me up, distracting me, telling me they “know exactly how I feel” (unless they’ve been there), or blowing sunshine up my dress.
After my husband died, some friends just vanished. Others who weren’t really all that close, came forward and became my mainstays. You just never know.
You could come out and ask her. She might brush you off, but if you tell her you really want to help, AND (this always gets them!) say, “If the shoe were on the other foot, you’d want to help me out, right?” and see if she cam come up with something.
I always had my “kit” to take to the hospital-- a big bag with a thermos, tea bags, books, magazines, travel pillow, a sweater or small throw. Maybe a nice insulated messenger bag so she can throw in some cold bottles of water or juice when she leaves home in the morning?
That’s what I was thinking when you said you just wanted to be by your husband – what would make the OP’s friend more comfortable hanging out there? A really comfy throw was what came to mind for me.
The coffee gift card is a good idea. When a friend was in the hospital years ago, the hospital had a Starbucks in the lobby. Those $4-$5 cups of coffee add up. If she does go to Starbucks, you could get her a card that you automatically reload from your computer. To be able to buy coffee when you want without thinking of the cost-- that would be a great gift. (I’m only saying Starbucks because their cards are easy to reload.)
I was living her life about 7 years ago, literally. Diagnosed with MS, husband with CF on the lung transplant list in the hospital more often than not, having to emotionally support his parents and (adult) kids. Add in a full time job, full time school, and part time internship.
A friend got me Jeanne Robertson’s CDs to listen to in the many, many, many hours I spent in the car. I laughed harder at those CDs than I had at anything in years, and I wasn’t anywhere near her target demographic. I still have the CDs and listen to them when I’m feeling down.
Jeanne Robertson is a great idea! Maybe with a portable CD player so she can take it into the room with her? I think they still don’t allow radios.
If you know what she likes to read, a collection of short stories in her preferred genre is a great idea too. Longer books are hard to track when you are so stressed out.
Find a 24-hour restaurant near the hospital and get her a gift card. Someplace relaxed but with healthy food - Silver Diner is great if they’ve got one.
Send pizza to the nurse’s station with a note saying “From a friend of [sick person]: Thank you for caring for my friend when I can’t be there to do it.”
Anything that provides a touchstone for the future is good too. Like one of those monthly fresh fruit delivery services, or steaks too, if that’s her thing. Anything that will give her a treat and that she can look forward to for a while to come. Fruit is great because she can grab it and go. . .
Ask whether the chairs at the hospital are comfy? If not, some hospitals will rent recliners for the room.
Does she like TV? Is there one in the room? Does cable cost extra? Spring for it.
Since she spends so much time at the hospital, you could send a birthday bouquet or treat basket to her husband’s hospital room. She’ll be surprised when she gets there on her birthday.
Flowers can really raise a person’s spirits. They are ultimately useless and a waste of money – which is why it’s a message of love when you send them anyway.
