Dealing with a mother's death, and birthday [edited title]

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

My mom’s birthday is Sunday. She has lung cancer. They stopped treatment a week and a half ago. There is no way to beat it.

She was diagnosed in April, the first rounds of radiation and chemo seemed to go so well; she was doing so well this summer, even got her down to the beach this summer where she watched, eagle-eyed, from shore as my siblings and I swam in the ocean, a habit she took up thirty-some years ago.

Then in September came the headaches. Bad headaches. An MRI followed, showing a tumor just behind her eye. The cancer in her lungs was shrinking, but sending out it’s minions. The tumor was removed successfully, she bounced back amazingly well from surgery, only to find another tumor in her neck, in a lymph node. Full brain radiation seemed to shrink that tumor, and a clean MRI followed, but for whatever reason, she went down hill. Fast. Out of control. There’s nothing we can do.

They say she has “a few weeks, a few months” to live. She’s only 64. Well, she will be 64 on Sunday.

And if that weren’t fucking heart-breaking enough for you, my father has Parkinson’s disease. Diagnosed with it about 30 years ago, when my mom was pregnant with me. He’s 66. We had to put him in a home in April, when it was clear Mom could no longer care for him, that his dementia was too much for any of us to deal with. I never thought he would out-live Mom.

So, anyway, earlier today, after my husband left (he works out of state during the week; two academics should never get married), I decided I needed to get out of the apartment, and I walked over to Target. I like Target because it’s so big and impersonal. I can walk around aimlessly, looking lost, and no one will ask if I need help. It’s a great place to be alone in public. And among the random things I thought I’d pick up was a gift for Mom.

But what the fuck do you get for someone who may not even live to receive the gift? What do you get that shows them how much you love them and how much you wish things were different? What do you get that hides all the regrets and fears, that is hopeful but not delusional? And do you have any idea how many birthday cards talk about the future, about all the birthdays yet to come? And do you know how embarrassing it is to start crying at card display in a Target?

I thought about a warm hat (because all her hair is gone) or slippers (for when she gets into her wheel chair) or a nice blanket (for when she can’t get out of bed), but all those things just screamed cancer patient. She’s too tired and weak to read or watch movies or knit. I wandered and thought; nothing came to me but tears.

So I got her some chocolate and pretty but impersonal card.

2

Aw, man, that sucks. Maybe a warm hat, slippers and blanket would be nice anyway - she is a cancer patient, after all. Does she like music? Can she still listen to it and enjoy it?

Best wishes for you and your family getting through these tough times.

3

I’m sorry for what you’re going through, liberty3701. It sucks horribly. To take your title a little seriously: go see her and tell her a story about a good time you shared, or show her some pictures you haven’t looked at in a long time, or just say everything you want to say to her or that you always wanted to but didn’t get around to. You don’t need to hide the fact that you’re sad about all of this. She’s sad, too. And if you think she might not make it to Sunday, give her her gift early.

4

My sister-in-law had us all send pics of our kids to her. She sorted them, picked about five per kid(mom has a bunch of grandkids) and uploaded them to Shutterfly. Soon mom was the proud new owner of a photo album without all that tedious messing around with scissors, sticky pages, or unreliable three-ring binders. It was by far her favorite present of the year. People towards the end of their life tend to become very reflective, and the joys of the past help them through the unpleasant present. I’d recommend, if you decide to do this, find a time when you and some other loved ones, who were present in/around the photos in the book, can be there with her to walk down memory lane with her. When my mother was recently hospitalized after her cancer treatment(stage 1 uterine, they say they got it all and she’s cancer free) one of the things that cheered her up the most was when we’d pull up a laptop and page through photos other family members had posted on facebook.

Enjoy,
Steven

5

When my great aunt was dying, I gave her a printout of my travel journal. She was able to read it in her bed, and it meant a lot to both of us.

6

A donation to a charity of her choice in her name?

7

Things to make her comfortable and happy right this minute.

Put together a movie of pictures and videos from her life, her kids, everything she loves set to music she loves. Make it happy and funny if you can and play it for her.

8

How about a mani/pedi? If she can’t get out, I bet you could find someone willing to come to her.

I’m sorry for what you’re going through. Hang in there.

9

Go and rub her feet. I don’t know about your mom, but that’d be the best gift for my Mom.

10

Alright, I’ll say it: a very short book!

Seriously, Marley23’s suggestion is an excellent one. When my father-in-all-but-fact was dying a year ago, I went and visited with him a couple of times a week. Sometimes we’d talk, sometimes we’d sit and think, and sometimes we’d just sit. One afternoon we spent listening to his favorite Eddie Arnold records; not my style of music, but I could see why he loved them – one of my most cherished memories.

11

I agree with everyone. Give her the gift of memories. Show her that while she may be dying, her legacy is going to live on in her children. Remind her how much she means to you and how much she influenced you becoming the person you are now. Spend as much time with her as you can for the time she has left. If you want to buy her something to open, give her things that will make her as comfortable as possible. I agree with the mani/pedi/foot rub but only if you’re certain she’s not hyper-sensitive right now.

Don’t allow your despair at losing your mother so young get in the way of making her remaining time as happy as it can be. Mourn your mother when she’s gone. Enjoy her while you have her.

I am so sorry that you and your family are going through this. I wish there were a way to make it all better.

12

I lost my dad in September after a long, and at times, excruciating, illness.

Growing up, we weren’t very close, but as an adult I sought him out and we kindled the father/daughter relationship we’d never had before. We became very close.

During his last stay in the hospital/hospice, I talked to him. I told him about how he was going to go on through me, and through the children I don’t yet have. I told him how if I were to have a son, I’d like to give him his name. I told him that if, at the end of my life, I had raised my children the way I was raised, and lived my life as well as he’d lived his, I’d consider my life to be a success. I read him things that I’d written to him but never sent, and told him how precious the time we had together was.

The “things” that would comfort her are great, slippers, blanket, so forth. They’re a balm to the body. If you have a relationship with her though, I agree with the previous posters. Tell her the future she’s not going to see- her legacy though you, and/or your children.

I truly understand how incredibly sad it is for you right now, I’m sorry ((hugs)). It’s a cliche, but it’s true- take every day you have as a gift of time.

13

I’m sorry that this is happening to you and your family.

I second the idea of something that would either bring her joy (reminiscing, going through old photos, communicating the lessons that she taught you) or bring her physical/creature comforts right now. There may be massage therapists that specialize in light/gentle massage for the terminally or severely ill and that would travel to her. A mani/pedi from a traveling nail tech, mentioned above, also might be something that would provide a little bit of pampering. Can she still smell things? A light potpourri/oil scent in her room is something to consider. Warm, soft, and physically light textures, like silk or fleece, might provide warmth without painful weight.

14

Is there something she has always wanted? Maybe something she put off all these years for you kids, caring for your dad? Whatever it is, even if she only gets to use it, hold it, or have it for a few months. . .she’s always wanted it.

I mean, maybe it’s a little odd to think of it that way-- but I guess it’s no different than we do for the Make-A-Wish kids.

15

Aww, babe, that is just tough and painful. I don’t know if you still want advice, or just need to pour your heart out, or both. If you still want advice, I wouldn’t think of it as seeking a gift for a dying person. I would just ask myself how I could show someone that I really care. I think a warm hat, chocolate and a pretty card were all really sweet ideas. And if you just needed to pour your heart out, we’re here.

Please be well, okay?

16

You could have a tree planted in her name.

17

Have a girls day in- mani/pedi, a couple of her favorite movies, favorite movie snacks, Chinese food delivered… the two of you curled up on the couch enjoying each other’s company.

That’s what I’d do with my mom.

18

I just want to thank everyone for their kind words and ideas. I originally meant this just to blow off a little excess steam, but your stories and ideas have been really sweet and helpful. The one good thing that’s come out of all this shit is realizing how many truly kind people are in my life.

Oh, great, now I’m getting sappy.

I’ll respond better in the morning when my mind is fresher. But thank you, really.

19

One of the other Threads is talking about amazing tasting pears from Harry and David - how about getting the best quality fruit, chocolate, cheese etc that you can find so she can get some physical pleasure? She might not be feeling that great, but find something to please her other senses of sight, sound and taste.

20

Music she liked when she was young? The Beatles? Elvis? Or perhaps even kiddie records she listened to? Lots of those here: http://www.kiddierecords.com/

Books on tape? Old time radio shows?