I think the title just about sums it up. My dad was diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer recently, and this is almost certainly going to be his last Christmas. We don’t expect more than a few months, really.
This isn’t a try for sympathy or anything like that, but rather a sincere question. What the hell can we get him? We have no good ideas, and my gf suggested asking here. Anyone? I want to make him happy (so far as that is possible at this point), and am at a loss…
About to call it a night but here is an idea (I lost someone close to me about a year ago).
A slide show/video presentation of all the things that have come to pass over all these years. If you don’t have picture of the time the skunk ruined the annual 4th of July part then a slide with some words and humor should do. This is something that will take lots of time but little money. Your life, especially near its end, is what the journey was/is, not some great final gift like a really nice gold watch.
Hope this helps
At this point your father probably doesn’t want or need anything that lasts, like tools, clothes, gadgets, etc.
If he likes to eat, what about cards to his favorite restaurant? Or to a specialty grocery, where he could by all kinds of goodies. I buy my grandmother, (she’ll be 107 in two days) individually wrapped packs of her favorite candies.
If you live close by, I suggest making coupons for things that you want to do over the next couple of months. These can be done with silly illustrations or as part of a “good memories” book. It could be something like “dinner at Carmelitas (void if order lasagna)”; or “finally clean out that goddamned storage shed”; or “1/2 hour of listening to a boring lecture about electrical engineering.” Or it could be more serious, or a mix. Depends on your father- but really the most important thing is going to be spending time together in a nonstressful way.
Are there things that make him calm or happy that are low stress? Sounds cheesy, but if he’s a music lover, I suggest a mixtape/album of favorite songs and music. If you are emotionally prepared to do so, you might want to look over some information on palliative care and think about the types of activities he likely won’t be interested or able to do- so focus on things like eating out, doing anything strenuous or that requires a lot of concentration sooner rather than later.
Another aspect is to introduce something for him to look forward to (not in ignorance, but to ward off depression)- so, maybe if he’s a gardner start planting indoor seeds for spring. Or if he loves baseball get super involved in a fantasy league draft.
Is there some fabulous restaurant he’s always wanted to go to? Maybe you could orchestrate a night out on the town for him, provided he’s still physically up for something like that at this point.
I don’t know how large a family your father has, but a get together with people he cares for while he’s still healthy enough to enjoy it might appeal. Just some shindig, to celebrate him, while he can enjoy it as well.
Sorry to hear of his diagnosis.
If he still feels good enough to be mobile, try to think of an experience that he would like - maybe a trip somewhere special or some event he’d enjoy (a concert or something?). Ideally something you can do together, so that having time with you is part of the gift.
I think that a shared memory or experience would be the ideal gift for someone at the end of their life who is in the process of letting go of the material things.
The other thought is anything you can get him that might help him feel more comfortable or make things easier for him around the house. When my mom was dying from cancer, she appreciated some nice comfortable nightgowns that I bought for her last Christmas. Maybe you can get him something comfortable to wear around the house when he doesn’t feel like going out?
For my father’s last Christmas, my newly-acquired sister in law and I were the only ones in the family who accepted that it would be his last, so there was no point or possibility of getting him something collectively. My brother had gotten married on November 20 and Dad had made it through the celebration on sheer guts.
I got him an item which I knew would make him laugh and which only someone who knew him well would know would make him laugh. It worked, but neither my father’s circumstances nor his sense of humor are those of your Dad’s.
Warm socks. I don’t know how mobile he is, but a nice pair of warm socks is something he could use when walking, or lying in bed. Any kind of illness is bad enough, but having to shove your feet down to the bottom of a cold bed when you’re ill–warm socks can be a great comfort.
Seconded! Also, his appetite may not be good and/or it’s painful to eat. Stock up on his faves, stuff he might be curious about, sentimental treats, that sort of thing. Good and good for him!
I just want to say I am very sorry. Losing my dad was the hardest thing I ever went thru.
I am going to second (or third) if he is mobile enough taking him somewhere; a weekend away if it’s alll you can afford right up to a cruise if it’s in your budget. Something he would truly enjoy and not do for himself. Just being able to spend time with you will mean the world to him.
Sorry to hear about the diagnosis. I second those that say that spending time with loved ones is probably the most special thing you could get him. Does he have family away that he would love to see (a brother or sister that you could fly in as a surprise).
Otherwise, if he has a hobby and you can get him something that will take his mind off his medical problems, you could get him something related to that.
When my father was getting old, he decided to fly the kids in for his birthday. My sister decided that we’d all dress up and have a family portrait taken. He loved it.
A few years later, my wife’s family was getting together for Christmas, and I suggested as long as everyone (14 of us) was together, we ought to get someone to do a portrait. My mother-in-law died suddenly ten days later, and the portrait has become a genuine keepsake for both the kids and now the grandkids.
Does he have any grandkids? With my Grandad I filled in a ‘Grandparents book’ which had all sorts of questions about his childhood, family, his first job, etc. My Grandad enjoyed doing it - it brought back lots of memories - and in theory it helps his Grandkids know him even though they were young when he died. (In theory because my uncle nicked the book, but the experience f filling it out was was great in itself).
I’m very sorry to hear that your father is so ill - my best wishes to you and your family.
A few things like this are great (and who doesn’t like warm socks?), but I recommend not going too overboard with it. If all his presents are in some way related to feeling unwell, needing comfort etc, the present-giving becomes a stream of reminders that he’s sick.
We were luckier with my mother-in-law that we had more warning and more time to adapt to the situation, but I think the main thing she wanted was to have as close to a normal family Christmas as possible, which we managed surprisingly well under the circumstances. Obviously your father may not feel the same, but I certainly second those who have said to spend time with him and to make efforts to get anyone special who lives far away to visit.
She also went to very particular lengths to get gifts that we would keep as long-term reminders of her (engraved watches etc). While that’s not something you would do on your dad’s behalf, making physical things such as scrap/photo books could be a good way of both remembering the happy times you’ve had together and communicating that he will be missed and remembered.
DVDs are often a good way to pass the time if you’re ill and need less attention than books. Audiobooks might be good if he is a reader who’s finding reading difficult now he’s ill.
I’m sorry to hear this, medicated. All very good suggestions thus far. I love the idea of finding something to do - a trip or something. I lost my father to cancer and it was distressingly fast. Special time with him would have been a great gift, I think.
This time last year, a friend of mine was coming to the end of her life, she had ovarian cancer. I couldn’t visit - she was in Europe - but did want to send something for her and her husband, for Christmas. None of us were sure if she would even make it to Christmas (she didn’t.) I sent gifts that were comforting in the moment - warm fuzzy socks, recordings of a funny NPR radio show I knew she really enjoyed, candy she and her husband liked.
I get what rekkah is saying about “illness-related gifts” and the thought crossed my mind too. But it didn’t make sense to deny reality and send things she wouldn’t be able to use since she was in home hospice care at the time.
I took my father’s terminal diagnosis as an opportunity to write him a letter. All those things you want or need to say? You’ve got the time. The only problem with mine was that he liked it enough to want other people to read it - it required edits depending on the audience. It ended up being the non-clergical side of the eulogy.
Shared experiences - are you nearby? Is it possible to arrange a family trip? Maybe call around to the staff of things he likes - symphony, sports team, that kind of thing; see if they have a tour he can take.
I’m sorry for the pain this diagnosis has brought your family and I give you mad props for wanting this last holiday to be a quality one. We should all think that way about those we love w/o a terminal diagnosis on the table.