I hope some of you can offer some advice for this, so here goes…
An old friend- and boyfriend- of mine happens to be an extremely depressed individual. Our relationship was rocky, full of a lot of stress and hurt, and we parted on not-so-good terms. Afterwards, he started engaging himself in some dangerous activities, and we grew even further apart.
In May, he approached me with the “news” that he was still very interested in me, and hasn’t stopped calling me, showing up at my house, emailing, and writing me almost every day. At least four times a week. I want to ignore him, considering how badly our relationship turned out, and how long it took me to get over it. However, his depression was getting worse and worse, and the last thing I wanted to do was push it further. He stopped taking his meds, started cutting himself, and etc.
I want him to know that I don’t want a relationship anymore, but I fear for what he’ll do to himself, and maybe even others. I also want to approach someone about it, but he’s already seeing all sorts of doctors, and I really believe that he’d react even more negatively.
I’m worried about his safety, and I want to get him help, but I honestly have no idea what to do or say with a) leading him on or b) making him worse. If anyone has any suggestions about how to approach this, it would be much appreciated.
This may sound uncaring, but you can’t let this guy drag down your own life. You say he’s already getting psychiatric care, so getting help for him is not the issue. If he wasn’t, my advice might be different. But at this point, he’s 1) going downhill, and/or 2) deliberately trying to give you a guilt trip.
If you already know his family, and they are kind people who care about him, and you think they may be unaware of his current condition, then you could consider mentioning it to them. But I don’t think this is likely.
So your immediate problem is how to get him to stop bothering you. I would suggest not responding to his letters and emails. If he’s been phoning you, then let your answering machine screen your calls. Since you say he’s coming over to your house, I think you should tell him (in one final email) that he’s not wanted. Then you should consider getting a restraining order and/or calling the police if he shows up again. You say he’s involved in “dangerous activities” and hurting himself. You don’t want him to direct that aggression toward YOU (any more than he already has).
Very tricky one, and I think it is very nice of you to be concerned. I would recommend speaking to his psychiatrist, if you know his/her number. From the behaviour you described, he might be suffering from a condition different from depression. Cutting himself and threatening could be indicative of other mental illnesses.
I also think that you should be worried about YOUR safety first, and if you feel threatened at any time, you should probably contact the authorities. (I don’t want to be an alarmist, but be careful)
Whatever you do is your choice - however, since you did title this “a pretty serious problem” and are looking for input:
To summarize:
You feel like you are being stalked or hounded
This person has a history of leaving you hurt in the past
The person doing this has psychological issues
The person has recently demonstrated instability (stopped taking meds) and a tendency to violence (cutting self)
The fact that you care for him - in the sense that you do not want to see him come to harm and would like to see him get help - is great, but your biggest priority needs to be your own safety. Period. My recommendations:
Contact a center that specializes in dealing with this type of person (if at school, then their help line) - ask for the “official” approach for someone in your position dealing with this type of person - our advice is great, but talk with a professional about how to protect yourself and get help for your friend
Contact the authorities - you should begin building a history with the local police, so you they know you and understand the situation if something goes wrong and you need help fast.
Contact this person - preferably by email or snail mail - and let them know that you care for them and you want to see them doing better. Then make is clear that until they clearly choose to pursue better health - e.g., back on meds, in therapy, whatever is appropriate - you do not want contact from this person and that you will contact the authorities if they attempt to contact you in person.
This is a serious situation - your safety comes first, and this person’s well-being would be better served by your drawing boundaries, IMHO.
Be sure you are taking care of yourself and not putting this guy first (although that is extremely generous of you).
My friend and I were dating some boys that were best friends and the whole thing was fab until she wanted to break up with him. There was some drama and she broke up with him. In a week he had killed himself. This caused a lot of grief and guilt because we all saw him upset. My friend ended up in a mental hospital and has been on meds since (it has been a few years).
Do what you need to to seperate yourself from him, you probably need outside help to get out of your situation.
The idea to see his doctor is a great one, do consider the valuable imput of a doctor that provided his prescription.
Although I don’t stalk people EVER (to be clear on that point) I can empathise with someone who is going through a depression and I can offer the following insights, for whatever they may be worth:
He is either coming to you for help to get out of the mess he’s in, seeing you as an element in his idealised past; or he’s simply remembering good times and has decided that you would make his current life more fun. Consider this carefully: is he trying to go back to what you had before, or bring you into what he has now?
He needs to get some help of some kind. I, personally, loathe meds with a passion and don’t take anything although I’ve been told that I should. I do fine 99% of the time, but that’s me. Medication is a very personal choice, as the cure is sometimes worse than the ailment. Therapy, on the other hand, is useful for anyone. If he’s dumped this too, he probably doesn’t want to get better.
I agree with WordMan that you need to let him know that you won’t spend any time with him until he’s in better mental health, however you want to phrase that. What’s important is that you let him know that you still care what happens to him, and that once he gets himself under control you will be more accessible to him. Clearly, promising to date him when he gets better is silly. But you may be the only person he feels comfortable reaching out to. Sometimes a kick in the ass is better than a hug.
Just in case there’s any question, it is not your fault. He is the only one responsible for his behavior. You are only responsible for your behavior and how you choose to react to him. You are not responsible for any worsening (or bettering, for that matter) of his condition.
I agree with others that he should know you do care about him, but have no intention of getting drawn into his bad situation which can result in only negative things for you. It sounds like he’s only caring about himself right now and isn’t concerned about how you’re being affected, so (I’ll just say it one more time) *you *have to be concerned about how *you’re *affected, not him; that’s his own responsibility.
I’ll second what so many other people have said: No matter what happens, this guy’s choices are his own choices, and his life is his responsibility.
I have personal experience with this type of character, and I can confirm that one of their tactics for drawing people into their death spiral of co-dependence is to turn their problems into your problems. He’s terribly depressed, he doesn’t know what to do – so he fixates on somebody (in this case, you) and says he can’t live alone, help me, you have to save me, etc.
It isn’t true. It’s a lie, merely part of the pathology. Some people buy into it, though, thinking, “Oh, if I don’t save him, nobody will,” and then, bang, you’re stuck in the tar pit of despair. You can’t save him. Only he can save himself.
You can help him, of course, if you care about him to take the risk, but don’t make the mistake of actually taking ownership of his problems. Be very clear, and very firm: Whatever you choose to do is your own choice, and if at any time you decide that your own health and/or safety is at risk, you will prioritize yourself first. And, in many cases, cutting off contact and forcing him to fend for himself is, indeed, helping him. It’s called “tough love” for a reason.
I don’t know much about this really, but just want to add: don’t let yourself be manipulated by this guy. He may try (be trying) to guilt you into taking care of him, doing what he wants you to do, etc. Getting drawn into his games (for lack of a better word) will not help him get better.
A stalker-type is trying to get any kind of interaction with his target–any answer, no matter what kind, is seen as good progress. I don’t know if that really relates to your situation, but maybe you should talk with one of his doctors.