how do i handle a depressed chat friend?

In My Humble Opinion
1

A couple months back I made the acquaintance of someone in chat; we would talk maybe 2-3 times a week, usually about light & fluffy things - movies, music, etc. At the time, said chat friend was out of the country on a visit home.

When he got back to the U.S. earlier this week, the tone of the conversation changed drastically. In fact, he scared the living daylights out of me by telling me that he was terribly depressed, that he had no interest in doing anything, all he wanted to do was sleep and eat (if that much), he was a loser, would I please come to visit him and bring a gun with me so that he could kill himself.

I freaked out, told him to call my cell phone number so that I could talk to him, because I was really afraid he might hurt himself. Since then, every day, I have heard from him at least once or twice a day (through chat, SMS, or via the phone), and it’s always the same - that he has nothing to live for, he just wants everything to come to an end because he is so tired of struggling, unless someone can immediately give him a job where he could make a lot of money for little work (don’t ask me where this comes from; that’s just what he says).

I have tried to encourage him to seek medical help; he says he is not interested in any, because he tried taking some medication supplied by a friend that didn’t work. I have suggested going back to school for a grad degree (a plan he apparently abandoned about a year ago); he says he has no more interest in learning. I have suggested that he then at least find a job that would get him out of the house & earning some money, since money is a concern; he says he doesn’t want to work hard at some menial job.

EVERY interaction I have had with him this week goes the same way - he complains, I try to suggest something, he gets angry at my suggestions because it’s not “what he wants to hear.” When I finally lose patience - and I really try hard not to, but after an hour and a half of talking in circles I can’t help it - he then becomes very meek, asks me to forgive him for his yelling at me, and seems forlorn when I say I have to end the conversation (like this afternoon, when my cell phone battery was about to run out).

I have no clue what to do. I don’t want to leave him feeling abandoned (because apparently he has no one else here to talk to), but I’m not a trained therapist, and I frankly can’t afford to keep talking with him at this rate. (I am going to have to change my cell phone plan as it is, if I don’t cut him off from that avenue of communication.)

Anyone have any ideas about how I can handle this?

2

This is a very tough situation, though you surely don’t need anyone to tell you that.

In one sense, you’re an enabler; he knows you care, and he comes back to you for support time and time again. But on the other hand, you can’t cut him off, because you don’t know what that might do to him.

Rock, meet hard place.

You’re doing great so far, at least from what I can tell. You continue to offer good, solid suggestions - such as getting a job. Maybe he doesn’t want a menial job (who does?), but you have to kind of make it seem like a great idea - in short, sell it. Tell him the job will make him feel better about himself, will make him feel useful, and can be considered as a “gateway” to something bigger and better, should he decide to move on.

It’s important, I think, for people in this condition to feel they are worthy; we get ourselves into a rut and feel so utterly devoid of usefulness that our entire life becomes meaningless. Help him find the meaning (as I know you’re trying to), and he’ll be thankful.

But this can be touch and go, of course. He does only want to hear certain things and will not respond to others. So you work with him - never “tell” him to do things, but rather turn it around so it seems like it would just be a Good Idea. People who are depressed sometimes resent being told how to fix their problems.

Above all, never let him think you are not there for him. I don’t mean you need to answer every email or IM immediately, but always be willing to share advice and offer suggestions.

3

I don’t want to leave him feeling abandoned (because apparently he has no one else here to talk to)

– repeat after me: this is not YOUR fault. if he has no one else to talk to, there may be a reason for it.
but I’m not a trained therapist,

– remind yourself of this when you want to extend yourself. I know what it’s like to want to be there for pals…but ask yourself how much you honeslty ‘know’ this person. Are you personally sensing red flags?

and I frankly can’t afford to keep talking with him at this rate.

–then don’t. As ol’ Ann Landers said, “You can only be a doormat if you let yourself be”.

I don’t mean to sound off harsh or caustic. I just think that you should suggest help. If he doesn’t seek it, it is not up to you to make sure he does.
I have to agree with dantheman about being an enabler. But I don’t think it’s fair to you at all that you feel obliged to ‘be there’ in case he does something. It’s a form of friendship abuse. He is abusing your friendship.

I realize that this is really hard, but life has taught me that the first person you should be concerned about is you.

f you think this is something that is genuinely serious, then you should contact a family member. Personally, I would remove myself from the situation. Speaking honsetly, I don’t see that he will change his behavior… and if he doesn’t and you remain as a shoulder to cry on, be prepared for a bumpy road.

Best of luck to you and your friend.

4

tell him to get a fucking grip, ignore him and browse the obituaries once in a while to see if he made it.

The weak should be culled, no exceptions.

5

Sunfish, if your friend’s depression has continued for more than two weeks, it is quite possible that he has an illness that is all too often fatal.

Like the others, I am not a clinical therapist or a physician but I have survived this illness – depression – for forty years. I know quite a bit about it.

More than likely is is a PHYSICAL illness as well as mental. Stress that part to him. Very often it is caused by a problem with his brain chemistry. It often has to do with the amount of seratonin in his brain. He is no more at fault for what he is feeling and thinking than a Parkinson’s patient is for his illness. In fact, the two illnesses are sort of related.

When someone with the symptoms he has – talks about suicide, pay attention. Take him seriously.

I don’t see you as an “enabler” anymore than you would be an enabler for a cancer patient. He has the disease and he cannot help it.

Because depression is so often a disease caused by a mal-functioning brain, it is possible that HIS brain may not be thinking clearly at all about his own illness.

Here are some things that you can tell him:

  1. It is absolutely not his fault that he feels this way. Stress that with him. Depression is not a character flaw or a weakness. More than likely, he will not be able to pull himself up by his bootstraps. Possibly he can live through this without medication and survive – but that is a big chance and absolute HELL in the mean time.

  2. He needs to get a referral from his physician to see a specialist – a psychiatrist. (No, he is NOT crazy.) Often it takes from two to six weeks for anti-depresant medication to have an effect. In the meantime, he may need something to calm him down. That would work right away and might keep him from doing something drastic.

  3. Depression is the most common reason that social security disability is granted. It is truly disabling. But he would have to be under a doctor’s care to receive it.

  4. Depression is NOT about feeling depressed or sad or having the blues. It is much, much more. It affects your entire perspective on things. The illness even shows up in blood tests sometimes.

  5. A little exercise such as walking at a fast clip can help to lift his spirits for at least a while.

Please share this information with him. Also, do a search on “symptoms of depression” and send links to him in email.

I’m not surprised that he doesn’t have a lot of friends. Often people with the illness are very angry. People get fed up with them and just want them to shape up and pull themselves out of it. When he doesn’t, who can blame them for moving on to other friendships?

You are the only one who can decide for yourself how much time and attention you can give to him. This is not your responsibility. If you know of any way to get in touch with his family, they should be contacted.

You are an angel of mercy to care enough to post about it.

6

Y.T., your post belongs in the BQ Pit – another section of the forum.

But welcome anyway.

7

Today, after a couple of phone messages and several IMs, I talked with him again. There was a lot of the same stuff we’ve been through before (he’s depressed, he’s a loser), but a few other bits of info came out. First of all, he said he has felt this way for the last 4 years (!), and doesn’t ever expect to feel better. He has visited psychologists in his home country; allegedly, they simply told him that he had an incurable/untreatable mood disorder. His mom knows all about his problems, has apparently tried to help… but she supposedly also said that he merely has a problem with self-discipline. Maybe most important, his recent trip home was to attend his father’s funeral… and he says his father committed suicide, so why shouldn’t it be an option for himself?

At the same time, he was less angry, not as “down” as he has been over the last few days. He at least has been thinking about what to try doing with his life… but he says he can’t think straight, can’t make a decision and stay with it, and it leaves him feeling more depressed. I again tried to make some suggestions about how to make a decision and follow through on it, but he just said he can’t do it, he doesn’t have the ability.

Zoe, I tried to emphasize that he needed to be under a doctor’s care HERE, that doctors here in the U.S. would approach his problem in a different way, that they wouldn’t view him as merely lazy or suffering from an untreatable disorder. He says he has had enough of doctors, and besides has neither money nor insurance to pay for treatment. Since he isn’t a citizen, I don’t think he would be eligible for Social Security, would he? I also have no way to contact any of his family directly to tell them what’s happening, although it would seem that at least his mom is aware on some level.

I finally asked him, at the end of this conversation, why it was he wanted to talk to me at all if he felt that talking about his problems was a waste of time (his words). He finally more or less admitted it’s because I tell him that he’s not a loser. So, dantheman and Bad News Baboon, it does seems that he has latched on to me for support. Support, I don’t mind giving… but this is becoming truly exhausting.

I think… that while I won’t cut him off completely, that I will refuse to keep up this pace of non-constructive conversation, and hope that somehow things will work out for the best. Maybe the prospects are not good, but… I just wanted some feedback to make sure I wasn’t missing something obvious that I could still do.

I very much appreciate your comments and suggestions.

8

Well, at least he’s admitted that much. And you know what? It says something, perhaps, about the people around him - that maybe he’s not getting any support from anyone, anywhere. Or maybe he is but it misinterpreting it. Hard to tell.

“Look,” you say. “I do like to talk to you, and I’d like very much to help you in any way I can. But I can’t help you if you don’t really listen to what I say. I can only do as much as you’ll let me.”

9

Change yer user name.

10

Psychologists are great at counselling and giving perspective. But these days the most common treatment for depression is appropriate medication and an occasional brief therapy session with a psychiatrist to see how the patient is handling relationships and day to day life. The emphasis is not on the past but on the present. (As I’m sure you know, psychiatrists are M.D.'s. Psychologists are not.)

You seem to be doing the best you can. There is no reason to sacrifice yourself and your own happiness.

What a waste when so much progress has been made in the last fifteen years in treating depression.

There are websites for depressives on the internet. Maybe that would help a little and he could see that others have been able to overcome the same symptoms.

Part of the problem is the result of an uninformed society that places a stigma on mental illness.