A question for extroverts

In My Humble Opinion
1

As an introvert, I’d love to know what thoughts and feelings an extrovert experiences in social situations. If I go to a party where I don’t know anybody and enter a room full of 30 strangers. You know what thoughts go through my introverted mind? Thoughts like these:
“Thirty chances to say something stupid to a stranger.”
“Thirty chances to suffer through awkward silences.”
“Thirty chances to feel insecure or inferior to other people.”
“Thirty chances to feel embarrassed about my life.”

I assume an extrovert walks into a room of thirty strangers and thinks thoughts like these:
“Thirty chances to make a new friend.”
“Thirty chances to learn some new and/or interesting.”
“Thirty chances to share a laugh or two with someone.”
“Thirty chances to get that emotional thrill of knowing someone else thinks and feels the same way about such-and-such as I do.”

Extroverts, what thoughts run through your heads when faced with a whole room of complete strangers?

2

If you don’t know anybody, how did you get invited?

3

Probably not a factual answer here, and more an opinion based response.

When I attend a function where I don’t know a substantial number of people, I normally introduce myself and begin asking people I don’t know about themselves…you know have a conversation. Learn about who they are and find out if we have anything in common, and whether or not there could possibly be a friendship that may come out of it. And the most important thing is to have fun and laugh.

4

I’m an introvert who has been forced through circumstance to play an extrovert in real life.

What goes through my head would be something more like, “30 low risk opportunities to improve my communication skills, possibly make a new friend, learn something new and/or interesting, maybe share a laugh, and maybe form an emotional connection with someone else that thinks and feels the same way I do about something.”

5

Since this will likely involve personal experience more than factual cites, let’s move this to IMHO (from GQ).

6

Are you sure this is an introvert/extrovert question? It sounds like a pessimist/optimist question.

I’m an introvert too; I can only take so much social time before I need my alone time. And yes, when entering a room full of 30 strangers my first instinct is to seek out “safe” people who won’t be too loud and chaotic, and I’ll enjoy talking to them for a while unless they’re boring, and until I want to be in my own nice cozy apartment again. And I won’t be found in the loud parts of the party because it’s draining and not stimulating. I assume it’s the reverse for extroverts.

7

Being an introvert is not at all the same as being socially awkward and nervous (although they may coincide). It sounds like you are very self-conscious in social situations, but that isn’t introversion.

I am very much an introvert and my instinct in a large group is to try to find a way to protect myself from the onslaught of stimuli. That’s why I’m in the library, outside looking at the flowers, or communing with the dog. I’m not particularly shy, and I am perfectly adept at small talk, drawing people out, etc. I just find it much more tiring than interesting.

I have a niece who must be the most extraverted person I know. I once asked her if she ever felt the desire to be alone. She thought for a second and then shook her head, clearly perplexed by the question. She isn’t shallow or stupid in any way, she is just so outer-focused that she can’t imagine being inner-focused. It’s a foreign planet to her. Other people are reality, there isn’t anything else.

I dread parties because of the effort involved – I have to summon up all this … interest in strangers. Very draining.

8

“Let me listen to what they’re talking about and see if I can add to the conversation.”
“This sounds interesting.”

9

I’m kind of in the middle (at least according to Meyers Briggs tests). But usually what goes through my head is something like:
“I’m board standing here, I think I’ll go talk to someone.”
“I wonder which of these people might be interesting to talk to.”
“I think I’ll grab a drink and do a lap around the place.”
“This seems like a good opening to strike up a conversation.”

And then I just kind of slowly and casually walk around the place and just casually chat with people."

I also don’t feel “inferior” to people. Anyone “better” than me is an opportunity to learn about being “better”. Or at the very least, learn about something different.

Personally, I think one of the greatest skills a person can learn is the ability to just go off on your own and do stuff and meet people when you get there.

10

This. Pretty much exactly. I don’t look at the room and think “30 chances…” I look at the room and think “which of these people look interesting” “which conversations look like I might be able to join?” And yeah, I’ll grab a drink or some chips and walk slowly around listening for conversations that I can join. And sometimes I find another person circling the periphery, and we introduce ourselves to each other and try to find some topic of mutual interest.

I’m not very extroverted, and my social skills aren’t great in general. But I’m actually quite good at meeting strangers, and enjoy it until I run out of steam and have to go examine the library or commune with the dog.

11

My introverted to “social communication” isn’t really social. It tends to be functional and goal-oriented, and if I don’t have a practical reason to bother you, I won’t.

Online is a little different, but I tend to see “practical” reasons to participate, like learning or imparting information.

12

This sounds more like something like social anxiety than introversion per se, though an introvert might be more inward-focused and therefore think more about themselves and how they come across to people.

As I understand it, an introvert can overcome social anxiety (if he/she has it in the first place); and an introvert can develop social and conversational skills (if he/she doesn’t already have them). And then that introvert could go to that party and successfully mingle and talk to people and maybe have a good time, but it would drain their energy, and after awhile they would want to be alone and recharge. And that’s something they probably can’t change about themselves.

Whereas an extrovert would feel energized and stimulated just being in that large group of people. But they may or may not be actually good at socializing and conversing.

13

Confusing introversion with social awkwardness/anxiety/shyness is an ongoing issue in just about every introvert/extrovert discussion. From that link:

Extraversion

Extraversion (also spelled as extroversion) is the state of primarily obtaining gratification from outside oneself. Extraverts tend to enjoy human interactions and to be enthusiastic, talkative, assertive, and gregarious. Extraverts are energized and thrive off being around other people. They take pleasure in activities that involve large social gatherings, such as parties, community activities, public demonstrations, and business or political groups. They also tend to work well in groups. An extraverted person is likely to enjoy time spent with people and find less reward in time spent alone. They tend to be energized when around other people, and they are more prone to boredom when they are by themselves.

Introversion

Introversion is the state of being predominantly interested in one’s own mental self. Introverts are typically perceived as more reserved or reflective. Some popular psychologists have characterized introverts as people whose energy tends to expand through reflection and dwindle during interaction. This is similar to Jung’s view, although he focused on mental energy rather than physical energy. Few modern conceptions make this distinction. Introverts often take pleasure in solitary activities such as reading, writing, or meditating. An introvert is likely to enjoy time spent alone and find less reward in time spent with large groups of people. Introverts are easily overwhelmed by too much stimulation from social gatherings and engagement, introversion having even been defined by some in terms of a preference for a quiet, more minimally stimulating external environment. They prefer to concentrate on a single activity at a time and like to observe situations before they participate, especially observed in developing children and adolescents. They are more analytical before speaking.

Mistaking introversion for shyness is a common error. Introversion is a preference, while shyness stems from distress. Introverts prefer solitary to social activities, but do not necessarily fear social encounters like shy people do. Susan Cain, author of the book Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking , argues that modern Western culture misjudges the capabilities of introverted people, leading to a waste of talent, energy, and happiness. Cain describes how society is biased against introverts, and that, with people being taught from childhood that to be sociable is to be happy, introversion is now considered “somewhere between a disappointment and pathology”. In contrast, Cain says that introversion is not a “second-class” trait but that both introverts and extraverts enrich society, with examples including the introverts J. K. Rowling, Isaac Newton, Albert Einstein, Mahatma Gandhi, Dr. Seuss, W. B. Yeats, Steven Spielberg, and Larry Page.

This, pretty much. I can be together with a small group of friends for a couple of hours of dinner and conversation, and can enjoy myself just fine - and then even if things have been going swimmingly, at some point I start to get tired of the constant requirement to be engaged and would rather go off and do my own thing. I can also be perfectly content fiddling around in my workshop for an entire day without feeling like I’m missing the presence of other people. That’s introversion.

At the same time, I often feel a degree of discomfort that can make it difficult to “break the ice” and engage with strangers in a social setting. I’ve stayed away from various group events in the past because of this. That’s social anxiety/shyness.

14

Very true. I hate parties-- I’m the one in the corner playing with the dog. But I’m not in the slightest bit shy. I’m great at teaching, gave fantastic presentations when I had to in college, did plays in high school, and am great at speaking up for myself.

I’m not exactly antisocial either, I just would rather be some place with a small group than a large one. I hold my own with large groups, I just don’t enjoy it much. But I love small gatherings, especially quiet ones.

I have a good friend who is extroverted, very much. I don’t usually make good friends with people with this characteristic, but we’ve know each other for a very long time.

It almost seems like being exothermic, vs. endothermic. She really needs outside stimulation from other people. She doesn’t even like to watch TV alone. She says she really needs to be around other people. She voluntarily chose to live with roommates and in house collectives until she was married. I couldn’t wait until I could afford to live alone. In school, she took study hall as a class, because she liked studying in a room with other people doing the same thing, even when they weren’t interacting. She had trouble concentrating, she said, when she tried to study alone.

She can also sleep in public, which still amazes me. If she needed a nap during the day in college, she could lie down on a couch in one of the student lounges, and fall right asleep. People would be walking through the room, sitting on the couch across from her, in conversation, and it didn’t bother her in the slightest.

I don’t know what causes this, but it’s worth noting that she was very gifted with social skills, and eventually became a therapist. Everyone just wants to talk to her.

I have no diagnosis myself, but I come from a family that has autism, OCD and ADHD, mostly on my mother’s side, but there’s a little on my father’s side as well. Social skills was my “C” subject. I’m not a failure at it, but in no way gifted at all.

Being with people when there’s no reason, goal, or plan doesn’t come naturally to me at all. My friend, on the other hand, finds it so natural, she has trouble imagining anything else.

We’ve actually discussed this at length a couple of times. While the two of us have a lot of interests and views in common, we are so different here, it’s almost like she’s a different species.

Interestingly, what my family is free of is addictions. For all the problems that have crept up, substance abuse just doesn’t seem to happen. Her family is the opposite. There’s no autism, ADHD, or other kinds of issues that might lead a person to avoid stimuli, but addiction has been a problem for a number of people. She avoided it, but of her three siblings, one went through a phase, but eventually became more temperate, and another has had serious addiction issues.

15

I think that’s basically it. As I mentioned, I’m kind of in the middle. So I’m content to spend most of the day by myself watching TV, playing videogames, reading, walking around town or whatever. But at some point I get bored so I like to go out and socialize at a party, Meetup or whatever. Then I’ll tend to switch to a more “extrovert” mode and end up staying out as long as I’m having a good time. But then I usually need to recharge the next day.

More extreme Is will tend to avoid gatherings altogether, not because they are anxious or antisocial, but simply because they would rather do something more solitary. They don’t have an urge to go socialize any more than I have to go…I don’t know…take up riding the unicycle. Extreme Es OTOH tend to want to be around people all the time and get lonely or restless if they are by themselves too long.

I would say that the one danger of being too introverted is that you don’t develop social skills because you simply aren’t interested in being in situations where you develop them. Then when they are forced to use them, it can make them anxious.

16

Of course, lately if I went to a party where I didn’t know anybody and entered a room full of 30 strangers, I’d be thinking, “Thirty chances to catch Covid.”

In this time of Covid, we introverts have a big advantage over extroverts, in that it’s a lot easier for us to forego those big gatherings and being around crowds.

17

You have evidently never been your wife’s high school reunion.

18

Yeah, the introvert in me is thinking “30 minutes, two minutes a person, I can be out of here in an hour. Oh, look - group of five people. I can probably cut 5 minutes off if I greet them all at once. Score!” It’s just that a lot of people all at once is draining and I’m usually “done” well before the time allotted for the event.

19

Mostly “Let’s all have some fun together, shall we?” with a side order of “Lucky people, about to experience the wonder of me for the first time.”

20

I don’t have a wife, so no. But you know one person at the reunion: Your wife. Surely she could introduce you to some of her friends. But if my hypothetical wife got caught up reliving high school days, I’d just hang back with a drink, maybe look for another spouse to talk to.

I guess I have been to things like art openings or book signings where I didn’t know a single soul. I’ll just roam around looking at the art or the books. If I find some one to talk to that’s great, but if not that’s fine too. I’ll stick around until I get bored and leave.

At a party I’ll probably know the host, or at least the person who invited me, so I’ll talk to them and that will spring into conversations with other people, usually by being introduced. I like talking to people. If I can’t think of anything to say, I’ll ask them questions.

I never have those global thoughts the OP describes. I just assess the situation at hand. I agree the OP sounds more like he has anxiety rather than introversion. True introverts might not like parties, but they can weather them if they have to.

ETA: I like how this thread asks a question to extroverts, and almost all the replies have been from introverts. But this is an introvert leaning space, I guess.