A friend of mine has just left her job as a secretary in a large French legal company. Her boss, with whom she got on rather well with, and by all accounts had a rather flirtatious professional relationship with gave her a gorgeous silk Hermès scarf as a leaving present, which, given his means was probably nothing outrageously expensive, but by her salary its really quite OTT, and he would have known this. He was rather adamant that she not open said present in front of everyone, and so opened it on the Metro on the way home, and sent him a text message to say thank you. His response was along the lines of 'glad you liked it, when I was picking it out, I was thinking very much about what colours would suit you best and what your tastes are". The scarf basically suits her to a ‘t’ with no ifs or buts about it.
Given the flirtatious nature of their professional relationship, the fact that intellectually they appeared to get on rather well too, I’m inclined to think that either subconsciously or consciously there was some ‘other’ undertone to it (possibly an indirect expression of romantic interest), but that’s just me.
So men, my question is, given the situation would you have given such a gift with no hint of it being a romantic overture, or is this a ‘I want you!’ message?
Well, if I were the boss, and if the relationship was as flirtatious as described, I would have given it with absolutely no strings attached (expecting nothing in return), but it would have been a message for sure. I do not see those as being antithetical at all. Of course, I would only have given such a gift if there were no strings, such as marriage, on either of the people involved as well.
I’m glad this didn’t happen when she was still working there! And yes, if he didn’t mean anything by it, he would have said it was out of appreciation for what a great job she did.
So, is the boss married, or doesn’t it matter? Leaving presents I’m familiar with are small tokens, and definitely not personal. It sounds to me like he was holding back when acting on his interests would be unprofessional, but sending a definite signal that he’d like to know her better now that there isn’t a boss/employee relationship.
That would be the US interpretation. Is this kind of gift common where you are? I doubt it, or he wouldn’t ask her to open it after leaving work.
He’s recently divorced, she’s recently out of an emotionally exhausting (to put it mildly) relationship.
Voyager, your interpretation is more or less what I thought, but then I’ve only worked in Anglo countries so I’m not sure how these things play out in the Latin countries at all. But then again, he’s lived in the UK and so would, presumably know how such a gesture would be interpreted by a British woman.
I would never give a Hermes scarf to a woman unless I was sleeping with her or wanted to sleep with her. It’s not a box of chocolates, no matter how much you make.
Friend: “My boss gave me a scarf and I don’t know if he meant something more by the gift.”
Richard Lewis: “Really? Is it a real nice scarf?”
Friend: “I guess so. How can you tell?”
Richard Lewis: "Oh, does it rhyme with something like “Wermes?”
I think it’s likely that he’s interested in her romantically, not because of the scarf as an object, but because he asked her to open it in private (indicating that he wouldn’t get just any departing secretary such a gift), he told her that he chose it specifically because he was thinking of her and what she’d like (you know how women are always saying, “it doesn’t matter what he gets me - what’s important is that he was thinking about me!”? It’s like that.) and finally that he waited until she left the company before giving her a gift.
If it was an entirely “innocent” good-bye gift, it would have been something appropriate and generic enough to open in the office, like flowers or chocolates or that free ipod the vendor gave him last week. (My husband’s always coming home with strange free stuff from the law firm that clients give the lawyers - from heated ice cream scoops to portable DVD players. Some of it is valuable, but it’s not personal when the boss passes it on to his assistants.) This wasn’t a job-related gift (although it was a good excuse for gift-giving) - this was a personal gift. And he shopped for it himself - he didn’t even send out another assistant to get it (says the girl whose birthday cards were signed by her father’s secretary a few times)!
And, frankly, I don’t see anything “oogy” about it. I think he was very professional, ethical and courteous to not pursue her while she was his subordinate. Now that she’s not, it’s entirely appropriate to let her know he’s interested, and buying women pretty stuff is a time honored way to show interest!
Hmm… I dunno. Since it seems to have been a mutual thing, both parties are currently unattached, and he waited (rightly so) until she was leaving to step it up a notch, it doesn’t strike me as being quite so bad.
This, of course, provided that a) their flirtation while working together wasn’t so over the top as to make things uncomfortable for everyone else, and b) she did (and does) not feel any sense of obligation toward him because of it.
Since you are the one asking here, Angua, how is your friend interpreting things - was her reaction more “oh no!” than “ooooohh”?
Sounds like a “doors open, your choice” kinda thing.
What do the Doper Ladies think? Is this kind of subtley appreciated, or do you prefer something less ambiguous? Just askin’.
^^^ haha i know! I didn’t want to admit I had no idea what a Hermès scarf was… but apparently their pretty expensive!! just looked it up $350 for a scarf!!!
The only thing that bothers me about this guy is that he apparently was flirting with his secretary at work while he was married. This is the reason I wouldn’t hypothetically date this guy; his gift was okay.
