Hi, I need the opinion of women only please. Help me try to read into any hidden meanings of this conversation I had with a female co-worker.
We don’t really know each other that well. We’ve only spoken to each other a couple of times but it was all recently. I am beginning to develop feelings for her so I don’t know if I’m reading too much into this or if she really is putting out signs that I should pick up on?
Today I wanted to compliment her on her hair cut. She had it done last weekend but I never got a chance to talk to her until today. I said to her, “Did you get your hair cut?”
She responded, “Yes”. I said to her, “it looks good”. Then she replied, “only good?”
I was really stunned because I didn’t expect her to say that. Normally, someone would just say something like, “oh thanks!”. The fact she had the comfort level or ease to say to me, “only good?” made me think two possible things: 1) she’s not a shy person and was just bantering with me trying to fish for a better compliment as humor or 2) she knows that I like her sort of and expects me to say something more articulate or frank and not just say something so generic like, ‘it looks good’.
I ended saying back to her, “oh, I mean it looks great!” (facepalm). I feel like I could have done way better in that situation but it was so fast and so on the spot, I wasn’t thinking and I had no charm in that moment. Of course now in hindsight I’m thinking to myself so many amazing things I could have said to her to maybe wow her.
So to the females out there, is this a common thing women do to just pull someone’s leg or banter with them innocently or jokingly or was she really trying to put out a sign?
Help me! I’m gonna see her again next Monday and give her a little gift
Sounds to me like someone fishing for compliments, tho it’s hard to know without tone of voice. My initial reaction would be to minimize interactions with such a person, but then I’m an old grouch.
It’s also not something I’d say, and I’m definitely not representative of all women.
I agree it’s hard to know without hearing her tone of voice, but it sounds like teasing and/or flirting to me. Whether it’s serious flirting, as in she’s into you, or just general flirtatiousness is impossible to say.
What’s so cringe-worthy about responding, “It looks great”? Sounds like a classy response. And if she’s confident enough to say “Only good,” then she’s confident enough to flirt again. If she does, don’t kick yourself for not coming up with a snappy comeback. You are who you are, and that’s plenty good enough.
Caution: Your workplace may well have a policy against office romances and flirtations, so I’d think twice about this going any further.
I am a socially awkward man but even I know that “a little gift “ after 3 or 4 passing in the hallway conversations is moving way too fast. Especially in this day and age.
BTW, males are just as capable of advising you on this as ‘women only please’. I suspect guys can give you equally prescient advice on upping your banter skills. Slow it waaayyy down, don’t obsessively dissect every sentence, sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. Try getting yourself a haircut and see what she says. That should give you a clue.
For your own good, completely disengage from the path you’re on. The workplace is not the place to get experience in dealing with women in a romantic way. This can backfire in many different ways which can affect your career. While your comment about her hair wasn’t bad or anything, complements about appearance can result in discussions with HR about appropriate workplace behavior. It just depends on how she takes it. And the gift can have lots of problems as well. I know this all sounds harsh, but the bar is very low for harassment in the workplace. Some people do start dating at the workplace, but it should proceed very slowly and with very clear signals. If you’re on a message board asking what you should do, it’s a sign that you shouldn’t be trying to date anyone at work. If you can’t read the signals yourself, there’s a good chance you’ll read them wrong and get yourself into trouble. You sound like a really nice person. Try to meet someone in a neutral place rather than the workplace and things will go much better.
You know all those TV and movie tropes about the guy getting the girl because he always plans to be near her and is getting her gifts and flowers? IRL it’s called harrassment and stalking. Recommend you dial it way back.
First, no gifts. That will be awkward and out of place at this point. I still remember when a customer tried to give me a tip (he was flirting) but when I said no, can’t take them, he never showed his face again because he was so embarrassed. This is a workplace, be professional.
Second, she may have been flirting, but that’s no reason to buy a gift.
Now, I think it was a tiny flirt. But not a big one. She probably has noticed that you are watching her (or someone else did at told her) and she’s looking to open the conversation a bit so she can discover if you are someone she might be interested in. So, if and only if, you are about to get a coffee for yourself and she is talking to you, ask her if she’d like one too. But, as others have said, office romance is generally a bad idea.
Guy here, just popping in to say “Hey, you sound like me!”
…which is not a good thing. After a string of cold women (starting with my mom) I’m starved for affection, so any bit of friendliness sounds like flirting, any flirting sounds like true love, and my heart quickly gets away from me. And I make things awkward by giving her a present…
Treat her like a friend. Which is more important than romance anyhow.
Guy here, no opinion but a question. When you noticed her new haircut, did you sincerely think it looked good or were you just looking for something to open some dialog?
I agree that it sounds like she was being a bit flirtatious, which may or may not mean she’s actually interested in you. Do not buy her a gift. Talk to her like a person. Keep it low-key. Get to know her well enough that a bunch of strangers on the internet can’t tell you anything about her you don’t already know.
First, stop looking for “hidden messages” in what women say. Women actually do tend to say what they mean and mean what they say.
Sounds like friendly banter to me, although without information regarding tone of voice or body language I couldn’t say for sure.
Magic words to “wow” a woman do not exist. Be yourself. Either she will like you for who you are, or she won’t and you will do better to look elsewhere for romance.
YES, SOMETIMES WOMEN JUST JOKE AROUND WITH PEOPLE.
As I said - STOP looking for hidden messages.
If you don’t know her well enough to know if she’s kidding or not about what you told her in passing in the hallway DO NOT GIVE HER A GIFT. You do not know her well enough to do that.
Thanks. I agree with you. Her tone was more in a friendly/joking/teasing way. It definitely wasn’t a negative tone like she was being selfish fishing for more compliments. I was just surprised she’d say that to me and quick witty thinking of her considering we aren’t close or anything. It just really caught me off guard because nobody ever replied like that before unless it was someone I already knew really close.
When I first noticed that she got her hair cut, I genuinely thought in moment “man! it looks nice!” and I wanted to say it to her someway but we never got a chance to meet/talk until 4 days later when we walking in the same direction to the store and back.
thank you all for the informative replies. I would like to clarify what I meant by gift and maybe I might get different answers.
When we were walking to the store together, I thought in my head, whatever she is about to buy, just pay for it along with what I’m buying. So I was kinda taking my time waiting to pay cuz I wanted to time it just right so when she went up to pay, my stuff would be there too and I’d smoothly just throw in, “don’t worry, I got it”.
But what I didn’t realize was she wasn’t buying something for herself. She was buying a bunch of candies for her students (we are teachers BTW). She put a dozen packs of chewy fruit on the counter and at that moment I knew she wasn’t buying it for herself but for her students so I joked around and pretended that I thought she was buying all that for herself and I said to her, “wow, you must really love chewy fruit!” and she chuckled saying no it was for her students.
I didn’t end up paying for her as I originally planned to.
Then outside, I asked her, wasn’t the school budget going to cover or pay for the candies? Usually teachers don’t pay out of their own pocket to supply their students with gifts or treats. That’s usually covered by the school budget. So when she told me no, it was from her own money, I thought, ‘aw that’s very sweet of her to spend her own money’. Later on, I really kicked myself cuz I thought I should have just paid for it with my stuff. That would have put out a positive signal. So what I was thinking of doing was buying some more chewy fruit to give her on Monday (as in to help her out since she was spending her own money) as a surprise gift. “Here! I got ya some more chewy fruit for your students” kinda thing.
OK, I’m not a woman, but as already stated, I don’t see why this means I can’t offer an opinion. Also, not convinced this is for real, but whatever.
In my relatively uninformed opinion, I would say: see the comments above about being very careful about workplace relationships? The workplace being a school multiplies this further.
Also, regardless of that, I still think you’re trying to move too fast. You did well not to offer to pay for her (kids’) stuff, that would have been weird and uncalled for at best, creepy at worst. Likewise buying more of the same stuff later. I don’t really know how to explain it as I’m hardly an expert, but it’s kind of trying too hard and yet not hard enough at the same time.
ETA: you’re right, she does seem like a nice person. So my advice is, dial it way back, don’t make things a bigger thing in your head than they really are, show her that you are a nice person without any hint that you might be looking for something more, and then, if the stars align, maybe she will make a move. But you need to take it really slow and be careful.
Caution: Your workplace may well have a policy against office romances and flirtations, so I’d think twice about this going any further.