wm–, unless your name is short for “Wendy’s Man”, I don’t think my rant applies to you. You haven’t demonstrated that you’re one of the people who are the subject of my OP. Now go away.
Anyway, I never said that being a mother or wife wasn’t a job worth being proud of. But my rant was directed at a very specific subset of those mothers, who make themselves the possessive object of another. Handles like Mom_in_TX and ProudGranny don’t bother me in the slightest. Those nicks are a statement of who that person is…not who they are to someone else.
I work for the government…but I don’t style myself on these boards as UncleSam’s Insignificant Peon. It maybe an accurate alternative way of reflecting my life’s work. But it takes a different approach that gives a much different connotation. Similarly, there’s a big difference between showing that you’re a proud mother and showing that you belong to someone else.
I guess it’s a distinction that only matters to me and a handful of other like-minded people. If it doesn’t bother the rest of you, than don’t let my rant bother you either.
There’s nothing funny about being an insurance agent!
I don’t have children. A lot of my friends do. They are focused on being good parents, doing the right thing, and they are very proud of their children’s achievements. They may define themselves by their relationship with their children, and I know that they can occasionally take this to extremes, but it’s still preferable than defining their children in relationship with themselves. See “The Squid and the Whale” as a perfect example of two selfish and self-absorbed people putting themselves in front of their children. I’d much rather that people overcompensate the other way.
Last week I saw two cars–nice ones–with these vanity plates: XWYF NO2 and WAS HIS. I really had to wonder if WAS HIS belonged to XWYF NO1.
As far as people defining themselves by their marital/parental status goes, I guess I never gave it too much thought. I’ve only noticed people doing it in the context of “you know my kid/spouse, so we’ll start there” when introducing themselves. But then Mr. m and I don’t have kids, so it would be extremely weird for someone to introduce herself as “so-and-so’s mom” when we probably wouldn’t know the kid anyway.
A little off topic, but similar: At my former job, I overheard two women comparing notes about how old they were when their kids were born. The one who was older when she had her first pointed out that it didn’t bother her, because she was younger than the other woman when she got married, so it balanced out. These were both career women, but they weren’t interested in talking about when they finished college, got their first jobs, etc. It was all about the wedding dates and birth dates.
I always thought that the “MegansMom” style of license plates, etc. were for the purpose of trying to start a conversation based on their kids right from square one.
I actually don’t think it’s any different to define yourself by a career vs. a relationship vs. a hobby, or anything else. Some of the usernames here on SD refer to very specific things…a character in a movie or a book, for instance. Are we supposed to think that these people wish to be defined ONLY by their appreciation for that particular movie or book? Sure, maybe it says something about them they want everyone to know…that they have a particular sense of humor, for instance…but I doubt it sums up their entire personality.
Even in the Dr. Laura example, I don’t think her point is that she thinks all women should be defined by being mothers (and, incidentally, she has “I am my kid’s dad” t-shirts, as well). She is using that as a tool to try to get society to value the parental role.
Personally, I find it a little hokey. I am not apt to decribe myself that way, and that’s why I specifically picked one that is just a takeoff on my actual name. On the other hand, I am not likely to find my handle mentioned in the “Best Usernames” thread someone has going now, either! But if someone wants to be proud of being a mom, or an accountant, or a dog owner, hey, who am I to judge? Good for them that they are happy about what they have going on in their lives.
I dunno. I can see it being a bit eyeroll-worthy if your license plate or e-mail moniker or something is the name of someone you’re dating. But I think the idea of someone with a license plate saying “MEGSMOM” or something is kind of nice. Maybe that’s because I’ve seen so many people who don’t give a hoot about their kids.
In my family, as soon as you have kids, that’s your first priority, and your kids become the most important thing in your life. It doesn’t mean you lose your identity as a person. But immediately the most important role you play in life is that of a parent. The rest of the family comes in as a close #2.
Someday, when I have kids, I hope I’m a good enough Mom that I’d be proud if I had personalized plates stating my momness. I think that there’s a sweetness and a nobility in that. Anyway, it’s better than “565 GVWM”.
The occasional vanity plate or bumper sticker is not necessarily indicative of Zero Personality Syndrome. This diagnosis can only be established through long, annoying dialogues with the person in question, during which they can seem to find nothing else to talk about.
I’d find anyone odd that defined themselves by a single thing consistently. Even moreso if that thing was another person. It’s a little unnerving to deal with someone who’s, in effect, just a satellite of some other person. And it does happen.
Wanna bet? In certain circles, I’m “Aaron’s Mom”. Not Robin, not Mrs. C., but Aaron’s Mom.
Of course, I went through a rather annoying period where virtually every post I made was about my child, but I got over that rather quickly. Now it’s around 50%.
I thought about this for a while, and this is the conclusion I came to. You have to have a username if you want to participate in a message board, it’s unwise for a number of reasons to use your real name, so you pick a name that says something about you. But that doesn’t mean that you have no interests outside of whatever that name refers to. I have interests outside of the history of 15th century British royalty, after all, no matter what my username might imply.
But I’m still weirded out by those bumper stickers and license plates/license plate holders. It occurs to me that I would have considered it ultimate supremo humiliation if my parents had had one of those on their car with my name on it when I was a kid, too. But, then again, I was a shy kid and did not like my parents bragging about me in public- I wouldn’t even have liked it if they’d had a “My child is an honor roll student at…” bumper sticker.
Well at least they’re your pets. Apparently I’ve defined myself by my sister’s pet (it’s her dog Shayna that I randomly took my screen name after). Hmpf.
The OP. He is pointing out the fact that names that indicate relationships are quite common around the world. Not only Arabic and Russian, but many English names indicate relationships: Johnson (son of John), Madison (son of a soldier), etc.
But, from what my teachers told me (yes, I know how they vector ULs) those came from a time when everyone knew John - and being John’s son would confer your status and place in society. They were also given to people, not chosen by people.
I’m not sure I’d go as far as pitting them, but I too find it odd when people define themselves as other people’s possessions except in very limited contexts where I know their “owners,” and even then it can go too far. There’s a difference, to me, between “I’m Chris.” “I’m Chris of ‘Pat and Chris.’” “I’m Chris, Pat’s spouse.” and “I’m Pat’s spouse.” The first might make me wonder about my connection to you - but the final one makes me wonder about you and your missing identity.
It’s a naming convention in other parts of the world. The person doesn’t have one name, and then choose to “define their idenity” by changing it to “Abu”.
The fact that it’s NOT a naming convention here speaks to the type of person who chooses to do it.
I don’t really know how to judge it against someone’s choice to pick something about their work, or their love of Star Trek, or videogames. I guess the difference is that in one, you’re defining yourself through another person, who presumably already has an identity, and in the other, you’re defining yourself through an activity that you’ve actively CHOSEN to undertake. It represents the chooser’s personality.
That said, I don’t really think of it as actually “defining yourself”. I’m just using the term loosely to fit into the discussion.
I’m also not crazy about the “define yourself exclusively in terms of your relationship to someone else” syndrome. I grew up in a time when women were expected to be “Mrs. Tom Smith” as soon as they married, forsaking all the names they’d used up until then–only in the context of very personal relationships would they ever revert to being just “Sue.” It struck me as demeaning and insulting then and I can’t imagine why anyone would choose to do it to themselves voluntarily.
It REALLY chaps my hide when it’s done to me without my consent. I have a grandchild and love him dearly, but I was on the planet a good long time before he came along, and he does not define my identity. I spent many weeks attending after school functions with him, and while it didn’t bother me much that the kids referred to me as “Junior’s grandma,” it pissed me off no end that the teacher running the afterschool program called me that, in spite of the fact that I introduced myself properly, “Hi, I’m Firstname Lastname, pleased to meet you” when we met. She also introduced herself to me as “Ms. Teacher,” after I had given her my first and last names, which I didn’t appreciate much. We’re peers, in fact I’m a bit older than she, she should call me either “Firstname” since I offered it and asked her to call me by it, or “Ms. Lastname” if she prefers to keep the relationship formal–but no, it was always “Junior’s grandma” to her as well. I thought it was just rude and belittling.
Maybe people who spend too much time around kids forget that there are standards of behavior more advanced than “play nicely,” “share your toys,” “take turns,” and “no running in the house.” :rolleyes:
But if someone wants to be proud of being a mom, or an accountant, or a dog owner, hey, who am I to judge? Good for them that they are happy about what they have going on in their lives.