A reader's nightmare: help with the further cracking of an already cracked-to-the-max crack pairing

Cafe Society
1

Some people have dreams about flying, or of taking a test naked. I have dreams about bad fan-fic.

I was lying in bed two nights ago thinking about the popularity of slash pairings, and wondering in an almost indignant way why people felt the need to ship every character under the sun. Notice I said ‘lying in bed’, not ‘lying awake in bed’. Had those thoughts been insomniac ruminations, I probably would have stopped with “slash is dumb”. Asleep, I decided I needed to do something about it.

I was going to write a parody slash fic. The crack pairing to end all crack pairings. I was going to take a character nobody* in their right mind would think of in that way, and let him/her/it loose. Maybe even post it in Cafe Society for a chuckle.

I live, breathe, and dream the works of Terry Pratchett, so the obvious choice was someone from Discworld. Or something. Like… The Luggage! Yes, children, see The Luggage hit puberty, and fear.

Right, sapient pearwood is magical, probably has a slow and extended life-cycle, no reason the baggage we know and love/loathe couldn’t be the equivalent of thirteen. Unfamiliar hormones racing through its, uh, xylem and phloem, The Luggage runs away from Rincewind in search of love. It roams far and wide- maybe a trip home to the Counterweight Continent?- looking for that one special… something.

If The Luggage found its soul mate before I woke up, I don’t remember it. But that set me thinking. What would be the awfullest possible love interest to crown such an awful fic? Another animate inanimate object? Hex? The Death of Rats? Wuffles?

Don’t worry, I’m not planning on actually writing it. But I’m morbidly curious as to how I could have made it as bad as possible. Some of the most twisted minds I’ve known are members of the Dope, so I’m opening the floor to you. Who or what is the Luggage’s love interest?
*Yeah, I know, you’re thinking of a number between 33 and 35. But my sleeping mind was in blissful ignorance.

2

HEY! Leave me out of your weird Luggage sex musings!

3

I don’t think people would know it’s a parody. I think it’d go down really well. I once read a slash fic about Morn from DS9, so anything goes.

4

Another Luggage as I recall, in Interesting Times. With offscreen Luggage sex; “a sound like hammers and sawing”.

5

Appa.

There, what do I win? Besides a boot to the head?

6

The Cloverfield Monster

The Catbus from My Neighbor Totoro

Columbo

Bill the Pony

7

That’s pretty odd, but still not as odd as a story about S.P.E.W. ending with Hermione intentionally getting knocked up by Dobby would be.

8

The Luggage from John Varley’s “The Golden Globe” would seem like the perfect fit.

9

You want to go completely, totally wrong? Tiffany Aching. Or maybe Sam Vimes, Jr.

OK, where do we keep the brain bleach, again?

10

Nac Mac Feegle bukkake!

11

So, you are wanting The Luggage to carry on an affair?

12

I keep the brain bleach. You’re not getting any until I feel you’ve matured.

Why y’all left the bleach in my custody I’ll never know. Was there any doubt that I’d abuse the authority?

13

But there already was sort of luggage love interest - when they were visiting the counterweight continent in Interesting Times there was a corral of luggage by an inn, with some hulking industrial types menacing a dainty ladies luggage [who had painted toenails] and the Luggage went to her defense.

14

I was gonna say… I thought Pterry had already gone there.

15

Right… the handbag in IT was a suitable match. I’m asking about unsuitable matches.

Or maybe I should stop having weird dreams.

16

I would just like to say how cool it is that I could post only “Nac Mac Feegle bukkake!”, and not have a single poster ask what I meant. Kinda creepy, but very cool.

17

Oh! The Luggage and…the mirror doppelganger from the original Prince of Persia.

(Say, at what point do we go from “Crack Pairing” to “The-stuff-they-were-testing-in-Jacob’s-Ladder Pairing?” :smiley: )

18

The Luggage and Bit from Tron.
“No, no, no.” “Yes, yes yes”.

19

Sorry, but there is no way to top where the internet has already gone. I once read a non-parody Snape/Giant Squid fic.

20

It’s still not as bad as Dragon Ball X/Diary of Anne Frank slash.