Some people have dreams about flying, or of taking a test naked. I have dreams about bad fan-fic.
I was lying in bed two nights ago thinking about the popularity of slash pairings, and wondering in an almost indignant way why people felt the need to ship every character under the sun. Notice I said ‘lying in bed’, not ‘lying awake in bed’. Had those thoughts been insomniac ruminations, I probably would have stopped with “slash is dumb”. Asleep, I decided I needed to do something about it.
I was going to write a parody slash fic. The crack pairing to end all crack pairings. I was going to take a character nobody* in their right mind would think of in that way, and let him/her/it loose. Maybe even post it in Cafe Society for a chuckle.
I live, breathe, and dream the works of Terry Pratchett, so the obvious choice was someone from Discworld. Or something. Like… The Luggage! Yes, children, see The Luggage hit puberty, and fear.
Right, sapient pearwood is magical, probably has a slow and extended life-cycle, no reason the baggage we know and love/loathe couldn’t be the equivalent of thirteen. Unfamiliar hormones racing through its, uh, xylem and phloem, The Luggage runs away from Rincewind in search of love. It roams far and wide- maybe a trip home to the Counterweight Continent?- looking for that one special… something.
If The Luggage found its soul mate before I woke up, I don’t remember it. But that set me thinking. What would be the awfullest possible love interest to crown such an awful fic? Another animate inanimate object? Hex? The Death of Rats? Wuffles?
Don’t worry, I’m not planning on actually writing it. But I’m morbidly curious as to how I could have made it as bad as possible. Some of the most twisted minds I’ve known are members of the Dope, so I’m opening the floor to you. Who or what is the Luggage’s love interest?
*Yeah, I know, you’re thinking of a number between 33 and 35. But my sleeping mind was in blissful ignorance.