A Religious Funny

This was forwarded to me; I thought it was worth sharing:

Here is the LOST CHAPTER IN GENESIS…

Adam was walking around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked him, “What is wrong with you?” Adam said he didn’t have anyone to talk to. God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.

He said, “This person will gather food for you, cook for you, and when you discover clothing she’ll wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you’ve had a disagreement. She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it.”

Adam asked God, “What will a woman like this cost?”

God replied, “An arm and a leg.”

Then Adam asked, “What can I get for a rib?” The rest is history…

And here’s the version I got.

The True Story

God created the earth, the sun, the moon, the water, the land and all the animals. Then he created woman. He called her Eve and had her name all the animals and planets.

One day, Eve asked God if she could have a companion. She wanted someone that would keep her warm at night and talk to her.

“Well,” God said, “I dont know. You will have to put up with all his lies, having him call you his property`, having to say everything twice and having him treat you like a fragile doll.”

“Im so lonely though, Ill do it,” said Eve.

God said, “OK, but there`s one more thing.”

“Yes?” said Eve.

“You`ll have to tell him that he came first.”

Little Tommy was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried tutors, flash cards, special learning centers, in short, everything they could think of. Finally, in a last-ditch effort, they took Tommy down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school.

After the first day, little Tommy comes home with a very serious look on his face. He doesn’t kiss his mother hello. Instead, he goes straight to his room and starts studying. Books and paper are spread out all over the room and little Tommy is hard at work. His mother is amazed.

She calls him down to dinner and to her shock, the minute he is done he marches back to his room without a word. In no time he is back hitting the books as hard as before. This goes on for some time, day after day, while the mother tries to understand what made all the difference.

Finally, Little Tommy brings home his report card. He quietly lays it on the table and goes up to his room and hits the books. With great trepidation, his Mom looks at it, and to her surprise, little Tommy got an “A” in Math. She can no longer hold her curiosity.

She goes to his room and says, “Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?” Little Tommy looks at her and shakes his head. “Well then,” she asks, “was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms, WHAT was it?”

Little Tommy looks at her and says, "Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren’t fooling around.


Dopeler effect:
The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

Thanks, guys, for brightening a gloomy day. Sending the last one to my son in college.

Little Johnny is standing in front of the church looking at the large plaque commemorating the town’s citizens who bravely gave their lives during world war II.

Father Murphy comes out and Johnny asks him “What’s this list of names, father?”

“That’s the list of people who died while in the service.”

“Wow, so many of them!”

“Yes indeed”.

After thinking for a minute, Johnny turns to the father and asks
“Was that during the 10:30 or the 2:30?”


La franchise ne consiste pas à dire tout ce que l’on pense, mais à penser tout ce que l’on dit.
H. de Livry

One day there is a long line at waiting for confession. Unfortunately you can hear every word coming from the confessional.

Girl: “Father I looked at my boyfriends penis”
Priest: “Dab your eyes with holy water, and say three Hail Marys”

Girl 2: “Father I touched my boyfriends penis”
Priest: “Dip your hands in holy water, and say three Hail Marys”

Two girls in line are listening to this, and one says to the other: “You wanna go first, so you can gargle before I douche?”

Enright3

A man joins a religous sect where you are only allowed to talk once every ten years.

After ten years he goes to the head of the cult and says “My mattress is lumpy”.

Ten years later he goes to the head of the cult and says “The food here is terrible”

Ten years later he goes to the head of the cult and says “I can’t take this place anymore, I’m leaving”, and the cult leader says “It’s just as well, all you ever did was complain!”

Enright3

Punch line: “Peterrrrrrrrr…I can see your HOUSE from here.”

If there’s anyone who requires the complete joke, see me after class.

The time came for a great debate. It was finally going to be decided which religion was better: Judaism or Catholicism. The loser would have to leave town. The rules where that the debate had to take place without using any words, and each man could only say three things. When the great day finally arrived, Rabbi Goldstein was really sick, and asked that someone stand in for him. The only person available and willing on such a short notice was Glenn Schwamm, the caretaker of the local temple. It is decided that the Catholics will go first.

The Pope stood and swept his arms high and wide. Schwamm stood and pointed to the ground.

The Pope held three fingers in the air. Schwamm replied by holding only one finger in the air.

As his last gesture, the Pope opened a box and ate a wafer of bread, and drank some wine. Schwamm opened up a paper bag, took out an apple and started eating it.

The Pope ran off the stage crying. When his aids asked him what happened, the pope said: “It was horrible. I lost the debate. I swept my arms to say that ‘God made the entire universe’, and Schwamm pointed out ‘that means God also made the land we were standing on’.”

“I held up three fingers to indicate the importance of the Trinity. The Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit”. Schwam held up one finger to indicate that ‘There is STILL only one GOD’."

As my third gesture, I took Holy Communion to say that Jesus died for our sins, but Schwamm was quick to point out that none of us are without sin, because of original sin from the Garden Of Eden."

When reporters asked Schwamm what happened, he said. "I don’t know. He motioned for all of us Jews to get out of town, and and pointed to ground to say ‘We’re staying right here!’

He said he was giving me three days to get out of town, and I held up one finger to say that there’s not a ONE of us that’s going to leave!

Then he took out his food, and I took out mine and we ate lunch together!

And they’ve been coming first ever since.

Almost a religion joke:

Billy and Bobby were two really mischievous brothers. Anytime something bad happened in town, their mother just knew her boys had to be mixed up in it. She tried everything–punishing them, grounding them, spanking, sending them to bed without supper, she even tried psychiatric treatment but with no luck. At the end of her rope, she decided to ask the family priest to speak with them hoping to put the “fear of God” into them.
The priest agrees but says that he wants to separate the boys and speak to them one at a time. So, Billy is chosen to go first. He reports to the church and goes to the priest’s office. T
he priest puts on his most serious look and with his sternest voice, he says, “Where is God?” Billy just sits and stares at him, open-mouthed. The priest tries again, this time sounding more angry, “Where is God?” Again, Billy just stares at the priest with his mouth hanging open. Frustrated, the priest bellows, “WHERE IS GOD?” and with that Billy jumps up, runs home and hides in his closet.
Bobby, knowing he is next, goes to his brother and asks him what happened. Billy says, “We’re in BIG trouble this time. God is missing and they think we did it!”


Born O.K. the first time…

If you are born again, do you have two belly buttons?

Ike: Um… eh?

So the nun says “twenty bucks, same as in town.”

AuraSeer: Okay, here you go:

It’s the day of the Crucifixion, and Jesus is on his last legs. He’s sagging badly back against the cross, eyelids fluttering. The two thieves aren’t looking so good themselves. St. John and Mary are there at the base of the cross, lamenting.

Suddenly Jesus’ head jerks up, his eyes snap open wide. Mary and John look up, surprised. Jesus’ lips move. “He’s saying something!” John shouts, running off to borrow a ladder from a Centurion. He quickly climbs up, puts his ear to Jesus’ lips.

“Peterrrrrrr…Peterrrrrr…”

John slides back down the ladder. “He wants PETER!” he shouts, lifting his skirts and hurrying down the hill to town to look for St. Peter.

He finds Peter in a bar, in the midst of a denial, probably, and quickly explains the situation. Peter rushes back to Golgotha with John; back at the base of the cross they can faintly hear Jesus insisting “Peterrrr…PETERRRR…”

Peter quickly climbs up the ladder to Jesus’ side. “Yes, Lord? Yes?”

“Peterrrrrr…I can s-see your HOUSE from here…”

My priest emailed the cyberchurch this one…

A $1 and a $20 found themselves together in a wallet after a long separation. The $1 asked the $20 what it had been up to.
“Well, let’s see, I went to Vegas for a while, then saw a few movies, went shopping in New York, and had dinner in several nice restaurants all along the way. What about you?”
“Oh, you know, church, church, church!”


Sure it’s only freshman level, but MissDavis101 is prerequisite.

The kids in Sunday school are drawing pictures. The teacher spots one little boy drawing an airplane with two men.

  • “What’s that?” she asks.

  • The boy points to the man in the rear of the plane and says, “That’s Jesus.”

  • “Then who’s sitting up front?”

  • “That’s Pontius, the pilot.”

Sorry. There’s another one I remembered…

A new priest is assigned to his first parish. The pastor there tells him “We’re hearing confessions this hour. I’ll take the first two so you can see how it goes, then you’re on your own.”

The first person goes into confession and tells the pastor, “I took the Lord’s name in vain twice.”

“Then go and say five Our Fathers,” says the pastor.

The next person enters the confessional and tells the pastor, “I stole two staplers at the office.”

“Then go and say five Our Fathers,” says the pastor.

The pastor turns to the new priest and says, “OK, it’s your turn.”

Another parishoner enters the confessional and states, “I committed adultery.”

“How often?” asks the new priest.

“Just once,” says the man.

“Well,” replies the new priest. “Why don’t you go out and do it again. We’re having a ‘two-fer’ sale this week.”