Well, this is my first Pitting. A bit of a bland title, but I’m not an expert, so allow me some slack… To those uninvolved it will sound much like “I don’t like X because of what she said about our Y” that makes up so much of family feuds, but, being in it, I feel it differently.
Yesterday I had a long chat on the phone with my old aunt (actually, great aunt, but never mind that) for her birthday (80 years and still going reasonably well, long life to her). She told me how her daughter, let’s call her Pat, got married recently and did not invite my mother, but even gave instructions not to let her know until much after the fact. The reason? Because of the horrible way my mother treated Pat when my sister got married.
Ok, this definitely sounds like family soap opera, but bear with me. If you can’t, skip the next three paragraphs to get to the point; here I provide some background.
My mother lived with my aunt when she was young and helped raised Pat. Pat often referred to my mom as “the second mum” or “the daytime mum”, because Pat’s parents were working all day. My mother always had a great affection for Pat, continuing after she herself got married and had me and my sister.
Then my sister decided to marry. This is where it gets complicated and silly-sounding. She had to book the church something like 20 months in advance (don’t ask me - I hazard that marriage is popular in Italy), so she thought that she might as well invite everyone early, so that even the busiest people (like Pat) could decide what to do. And Pat, months later, please notice this, decided not to come, because, she said, she booked her holidays on the marriage day, one year in advance. This made my mother angry: she told Pat much earlier than that exactly to avoid this problem, so it was mighty likely Pat decided not to come first and to book the holiday later, so why not come out clean and say she didn’t want to? I even hazard that she didn’t want to be cooped up into the thing, but that’s just my wild guess.
Anyway, Pat got a mighty scolding from my mother, for being more and more distant from her life despite continuing promises to stick around, and for giving silly excuses. A holiday? Why not book a couple of days later, then? A couple of days later, my aunt told me, Pat and her boyfriend (her pompous, annoying boyfriend that only knows one side of the problem - sorry, I can’t like him) announced my mother would be cut off from their life for that. They announced it to everyone except my mother. With requests not to tell her. Ever. So much for honesty in communications. Yet my aunt told me yesterday, but that’s another story, I expect it’s her age.
Now, on to my point. For my mother Pat was like a first daughter; she always told us that, and how she cared for her. Pat expressed more or less the same affection for her “daytime mom”. But then she failed to understand that the tirade she got from my mom was not out of hate, but out of grief; not an attempt to control her life or something, but an attempt to see if she would get involved a bit more with us. My mother overreacted, there’s no doubt about it. But I think Pat should have realized why she overreacted and at least have some respect on a old woman with heart problems. No one was forcing her to come along, but what got my mother going was the bloody stupid excuse. Better to be honest with it, and saying she didn’t feel like it, or she didn’t agree with marriage, or whatever she thought.
Pat made my mother suffer in utter selfishness, and this is why I pit her. Not coming to the marriage, no problem - I’m not keen on going to marriages either - but causing so much grief to a frail woman that loves her so much - this I cannot take.
And since this is the Pit, fuck her bloody stupid dickhead false boyfriend, whoops, husband now. May they be as happy as they can, but out of my life. If they fuck with my ole mum again I’m going to go berserk. Verbally, mind.