A Seussian Rant

The BBQ Pit
1

A friend of mine, the other day,
did comment, in a friendly way,
“dear friend,” said he, “I’m in a bind,
they’ve kicked me out, on my behind.”
His job, it seems, has let him go,
leading me to comment, “oh?”
“And why was that?” I asked my friend
and he replied about his end:
“I left a till unlocked it seems,
which today was met by screams.”
I thought about this silly thing
And then I asked him, wondering:
“But why did they not warn you first?”
to which he gulped as though with thirst,
“they’ve warned me twice before you see,
this time,” he said, “was number three.”
Now you may ask me why it was,
I cared at all, well, it’s because
my friend has moved into my house,
He owes me rent, the stupid mouse.
A patient man am I, most times
I just don’t care 'bout nickels, dimes
or other change in size that’s small
but seven hundred bucks in all
is what my friend, in fact, does owe.
But I just cannot scream or crow.
He is my friend, that is a fact,
and so for now, I guess I’ll act
as though awhile I can wait
to see his debt, in size, abate.
“But why,” you ask, “post this at all?”
“why bother us with your friends fall?”
To which, I guess, I will record,
TODAY, AT WORK, I’M REALLY BORED!

And plus it just felt really good to rant. Now let’s hear your Dr. Seuss style rants.

Buliwyf

2

I fear perhaps your slacker friend
will start a debt that never ends.
I see this case, from time to time,
And once, in fact, this case was mine:

I loved a guy who drove me nuts,
and followed him to Texas:wally .
I paid the rent, he paid for naught.
“He’ll pay me back” was what I thought.

Well, months went by, no job had he.
He sat at home and watched T.V.
I went to school and paid for all;
He slept all day and watched football.

When I complained, he’d argue back,
"It’s not because of skills I lack,
It’s just that all the jobs I see
are bad and it’s insulting me.

“It’s lifting boxes, sweeping floors,
mindless, endless, stupid chores.
I don’t need that, I’m much to smart
Who’re you to talk? You study art!”

He did not pay when I went broke.
Eviction notes became a joke.
I worked my ass off waiting tables;
and he just shrugged, “We have free cable.”

And then one day, that horse rear end
broke up with me for my “best friend”.
I cut my losses, moved back North,
and mourned the efforts I’d put forth.

Don’t worry, friends, the end is neat.
I have a boyfriend, cute and sweet.
My money problems are no more.
The Texas guy, divorced and poor.:stuck_out_tongue:

Faerie Nuff

Favorite book: Dr. Suess’s rhyming profile of a serial killer, Son of Sam I Am.

3

My Suessian Rant

That was one of my first posts around these parts, and it’s just as true today as it was the day I first wrote it. Damn dogs.

As for your friend–I hope you’re at least making him do all the dishes and yardwork while he’s mooching off your generosity.

4

I sit around and post all day
Just like your friend, I earn no pay.
Nine months ago, my job expired,
Though at my age, it’s called, “retired.”
They said I did too little work.
They said my basic job I’d shirk.
How could I set insurance rates,
While active in the Great Debates?
So posts at work you should avoid,
Or, you might join the unemployed.

5

To my friends here, it’s good to see,
that I have all your sympathy.
My friend is dazed, as in a fog,
I’ve made him babysit our dog.
No longer at work do I sit,
I’m home now free of all that s*&%!
But friend of mine is cleaning poop,
because puppies excrete that goop.
No free ride will he find herein,
nope, now my friend, does work begin.
a dishwasher does not become
empty by itself my chum.
A kitchen floor needs must be swept
if here he would perchance be kept.
No stupid man did mother raise
no idiot with empty gaze
that wife of mine he soon will deal
if put upon he comes to feel
And so you see, my dopers dear
No tale of woe you’ve come to hear
If housework is not my friends kick
He’d better find a job, and quick!

God I love this!

Buliwyf

6

I’m glad he feeds your dog for you
It seems the least that he could do.
And, though he’d like to just relax
He ought to do your income tax,
And, pay the bills and write the checks;
Perhaps he even owes you sex.
If you support this man in life,
He ought to be your perfect wife.

7

Buly…
I had a friend in that regard
who turned to me
when times were hard.
I agreed to take him in
yet his welcome he did wear thin.
He did not clean, he did not cook
he spilled beer on my favorite book.

“Look for a job” I often demanded,
but before he could find one, he was remanded
to the custody of the county of Cook,
for in my basement, he made sports book.
I did not know that he took bets, but
for being a nice guy, that’s what I gets.

Long story short, this rant now done,
I’ll go visit my friend in cell block one.

—What Would Scooby Doo?

8

Come now December surely you,
Agree with me that he can do,
a few small chores and jobs like that
to protect him from getting fat.
I have a wife, a good one too,
no, what I need’s a boarder who
can pay his bills in cash on time
that one small thing would be sublime.
So failing that my friend can clean
my house and feed my dog protein,
he has two weeks, I’ve told him so,
to find a job or he must go.
If 'round the house he’d like to sit
he’ll find a job he can commit
to working every day until
his bills are paid oh yes he will!

Buliwyf

9

I had a friend that recently
came to us on bended knee
We let him in and cleaned him up
he dined with us when we did sup
Alas for him, he too, was poor
so we had him paint the door,
and cut the grass
and mend the fence
as a form of recompense
Unfortunately for us and he
he did not labor mightily
and developed much attitude-
he began to think that we were rude
Afterall, we had A/C
why could we not share it for free?
we were buying it anyway here
along with food, shampoo, and beer
He is now gone
and not much missed
I understand he’s really pissed
Perhaps he’ll find another taker
who’ll give him have all their toilet paper
but if he should return here- oooh
I’ll put his head right in the loo!

10

I’m picturing the local headline:
“Unwanted Guest is Given Deadline”
I hope your friend retains an attitude,
Filled with overflowing gratitude.
You helped a person in distress
When fate had made his life a mess.
His life must move to other shores,
So you can move ahead with yours.