I need a do-over for this past month. But this past week has been the kind of week which reaffirms my lack of faith in God. I don’t think I’ve ever started a Pit thread on personal events before. But this week deserves a brace of them. In no particular order, then.
Yesterday I went to visit the optometrist. The parking lot has a swinggate which opens with a token, available from the receptionist (to prevent people from using the lot to go to the gym next door). I’m sick. I have totally dilated eyes and can barely see. And a giant van is sitting at the only entrance. I wait. Lady climbs out of the van and deposits her token (the van was too big to get close to the swing gate). The swinggate opens and she climbs back into the van. Waits a minute and doesn’t drive through. Swing gate closes. Wait a minute. Husband climbs out of van and starts limping towards the building housing the receptionist. I now start honking. Nobody moves. I get out of the car and politely ask the lady to back the van up. She says her husband won’t let her. Apparently her fuck up gives her the right to block all exit from the parking lot for the 5 minutes it takes her husband to get a new token. It would take her backing up her van about 3 feet to clear the exit (she had a clear route to the side, there was really no excuse except being an idiot). I’m in a huge rush to complete some experiments so I can leave, go home, and go to sleep. I’m losing my voice. The husband comes out of the building and starts yelling at me. I try to yell back but I can’t make myself understood. He takes his sweet time in getting back to the van. Of course the seven or eight minutes of sheer irate fury spent behind that van didn’t do anything for my psyche.
I’m trying to defend my thesis in March. To do so means getting about 4 experiments to work between now and February. This isn’t as easy as it sounds; I have consistently worked 80-100 hour weeks for the past few months to get this done. And my boss remains wishy-washy about whether I’ll be able to do it, even if I have enough data. Because he wants to “wait and see.” The way my program works is that if I miss the March date, even by 2 or 3 weeks, it will take me a year longer to complete school. So I could be relaxing, spending time with my family (see below), traveling, having fun, and generally cutting down my stress levels to get these 4 experiments, as I would have at least 9 or 10 more months to get the data. But I find myself not only working against the science, but working against my boss. This past week has been an utter crunch week, and I am very very lucky to have incredible support staff to take up the slack. But it still doesn’t help that I am taking a huge gamble for what most probably will turn out to be a futile quest.
My grandfather died on Sunday, after a month of battling leukemia. I arrived with my aunt and grandmother to talk with the palliative care docs on Sunday morning. I went to speak with the night nurse, and my aunt called me into his room in a panic. I felt for a carotid pulse; he was still warm and had gone in the past few minutes. In some ways, it was the best way it could happen – he did not suffer and was comfortable. But it always happens too quickly, and his short, intense fight was the best an 80 year old with a preexisting bacterial infection could manage. My family and I had been keeping him nearly constant company in the past few weeks; we had also been coordinating granulocyte donations (which means 7 tubes of blood for screening, 2 pills and a subq injection the night before, and a big needle in both arms for at least 2.5 hours). Our family is strong but he was the patriarch, and to watch a reasonably healthy man wither away to nothing in a month was extremely tough. He was a very, very good man and we miss him terribly.
I have developed laryngitis for the first time in my life, on top of a raging tracheobronchitis. I was unable to work for more than 4 hours today. I worked for 12 yesterday, but didn’t get much accomplished as I was hopped up on antihistamines. Last week was obviously truncated with my grandfather’s deterioration, even though I put in 80 hours despite spending 10 or 12 at the blood bank and another 5 or 6 at the hospital. This week was my big week to return to hardcore work. Good shot in doing that, now.
We have another cancer scare in the family (same branch as aforementioned grandfather) that began with a palpated lump last week. We’ll see what the biopsy results are next week, but our family, all inherently kind, gentle, and for the most part pious people, are not karmically or religiously due for this kind of comeuppance.
My baby is growing before my eyes. She is 8 months old, the cutest thing in the whole world, and this week has reached the developmental milestone of separation anxiety, which means she now howls when my wife gives her to me. Couple this with her babbling “Ma Ma Ma” all of the time. This makes me feel more guilty than one could imagine. As I sit here composing this post, I realize that I’m probably only #4 or #5 on her list of people who spend time with her. The goal is in my reach for graduation, though, and I need to stretch to do this – for my sake and for my wife’s sake. Staying in our city can only be a lateral move for either of us, and I’m not learning anything more in graduate school. Missing the date would mean that my wife would essentially sit in the same position for another year and a half instead of moving up. But the consequence is that my baby barely knows me anymore.
This thread is catharsis. I’m not doing it for pity. I just needed to type it out and see it on the screen. Perhaps this will help exorcise those demons that seem to be plaguing me at the moment. That is if I believed in such things.
Can I be the first one to say you need to take some time off?
I know it’s hard to do, what with dying grandparents, deadlines and all, but above and beyond the large and glaring health issue (you’re getting sick because you’re freaking exhausted and wildly stressed out, mate, and it’s **not ** gonna get any better!) you’ve also got to spend some quality time with your kid. Not for his/her sake, but for yours!
Trust me - take a week off sick. Your body, your mind, and your family will all thank you, and you will come back more productive and happier for it. You really really will come back better for it, I promise, as long as you do one other thing - don’t spend the week thinking about what you could be doing and how far behind it’s putting you, spend the week at home, with your kid, RESTING! You’ll come back regenerated and ready to eat grizzly bears alive.
In amy of this year, when my daughter was 14 months old, the company that my wife and I spent ten years and many many long nights build, finally sputtered and died. I poured everything I had into that company, and since it ended, I’ve been able to spend more time with my daughter than even my wife. Best thing that ever happened, I tell ya!
But Edwino, my condolences for you situation. It does sound sucky, but it will end. when it does, prioritize the different things in you life, and arrange you future accordingly.
Edwin, again, my condolences on the loss of your grandfather. I never met the man, but hearing your father talk about him, he must have been extraordinary. May his memory be eternal, and may your and your family’s circumstances improve quickly.
I don’t post like, ever anymore but surf the boars from time to time… and I just had to say that my omatidia are bursting with sorrow for you , ween !
This past month has been kind to no one, it seems. I’m sorry you got the brunt of it. Hug your baby, hug your wife, manipulate those fly genes to make seeing-leg flies, and all my best to you man.
PS. I went to the Entomological Society of America’s annual meeting in November (my company makes… argh hard to describe briefly: we do abstract collection/storage/archiving, and record conference proceedings so they can be posted online after the meeting for members who can’t attend) and I got to use the word omatidia, thus, much impressing a bunch of entymologists. I thought of you!
Smeghead
I dunno, really. Graduate school has been mostly positive. It is a good lifestyle and they pay you for doing it (albeit not that much). You get time to sit around and think. You get that PhD, which is really a badge of honor. But there are times in which it absolutely stinks. It also, on average, takes way too long (nearing 6 years at my school). Unless you really want or need that PhD, you should stay away, because at times like these, only that want or need can get you through this.
yBeayf
It was nice to meet you after all that I’ve heard. Thanks for coming out to the funeral. My dad and I appreciated it. Perhaps we can meet again in less trying circumstances.
Rasa
It is of course good to see you. I’m happy that you are doing well and that you were able to get positive benefit from fly eye development. That seems to be escaping me right now…
To everyone else, thanks for the words. I feel a lot better today after sleeping late again and for right now everything still seems to be relatively on track despite the crap week. Next week’s biochemistry will be make or break, though. Wish me luck.
Recent graduate here, also genetics PhD, same city (I think). My advice: STOP. Now. Go home, get some rest. Taking another year is not the end of the world.
I set up a thesis defense date while I still had experiments left to do, and it was the worst decision I could have made. I was working 10 hour days in lab fighting with the stupid antibody staining, then going home and working on writing my thesis for 10 hours. I didn’t get more than 4 hours sleep, and ususally less, for nearly three months. I got the thesis and experiments done, but the consequenses weren’t worth it. A year later, I still stutter and meld words when speaking (which I didn’t before) and my ablility to remember proper nouns and names has taken a nosedive. That’s probably only the tip of the neurological iceberg.
In terms of a lifetime career, treading water for a year is no causualty for you or your wife. And future jobs will understand - couples in science often have to negotiate leaving times to stay together. If you have a new baby on top of it all, I’m sure no one will begrudge you the time.
Think of it this way: bronchitis is a pain in the butt, but you can drive yourself through it if you want to. But what happens if you keep pushing your luck and your body? How do you feel about pnuemonia? Lung surgery? Permenant, lifelong breathing impairment? Miserable, destructive, can’t-get-to-sleep, persistant coughing for a month every time you get a cold - for the rest of your life? These are realistic consequences of ignoring respiratory infections.
My point is that you’re planning for a lifetime. Don’t sweat a year.
I thought of you!