Over the last month both my phone company and bank have pretty much robbed me of what little money I have as a student so rather than spending my reading week living it up I am back home with the 'rents having many incessent arguments with my mother over the fact that this is not my home any more and I should feel like a guest and not flesh and blood and frankly I couldn’t give a shit and shoudl be enjoying the time I have with her because I’m not expecting her to be alive this time next year because of fucking cancer which we find out has reemerged on friday. But I’m not ranting about that.
So to this week…
I come home last weekend, start out with a nice funeral (what a great fucking start) but light is on the horizon with a friend’s surprise 21st party to which I go early to help prepare where more bickering ensues because the fucking sandwiches aren’t pretty enough and the washing up hasn’t been done and his dad can’t come because he’s been taken to hospital for kidney stones. So after a few hours of that the party gets underway, people arrive, birthday boy arrives and everythings gravy. I even make a new friend who is really fucking cool. I get her number and say we should meet up next week and in the space of 3 hours my phone fucks up so number is gone and i can’t reach new friend and I lose my keys, including my uni flat keys which would cost £200 to replace because they say they need to change the fucking locks. I go home defeated the morning after to face another barrage of arguments because a 20 year old guy didn’t ring his mother to say where he was. 8 hours after that I try to phone birthday boy to see how he’s doing (and to find my goddamn keys) and of course my phone is dead so i call through his GF who’s number was written down. I find out his dad died in the night and now birthday boy’s a fucking orphan (mum died about a year back) I want to console him, or at least find out how the fuck he is. GF is now out of contact so I’m going through every source I know to find his number. Yet another argument with mum because I should be finding my keys not helping my friend. But that’s not why I’m ranting.
I’m ranting because today I went for a drink with my mum after some shopping and thinking about birthday boy I ask my mum about contacting my father (long story short: dad abandoned me at birth. I have a half-sister. Wanted to get in touch for last couple of months) and she tells me she tried to get in contact but he doesn’t want to know. I say I still want to get in touch myself, for my sister, not the fucking sperm donor, and ask for some details. She gives me A WHOLE FUCKING DIFFERENT SURNAME THAN WHAT SHE’S BEEN TELLING ME FOR 20 YEARS so that any attempt I have made to find him was entirely fruitless. But that’s not why I’m ranting
I’m ranting because I’m a fucking idiot. I came “home” this week knowing full well that shit was gonna kick off because it always does but I got on that coach anyways. I continue having these arguments with mum knowing full well that these may be the last memories I have of her and yet I keep on shouting. I entertained the thought of a girl at a party who I might “like” and who seems to like me knowing full well that I am still head over fucking heels about my last GF but I still set myself up for a fall and I’m on the internet now at 4.30AM knowing full well that I have as much chance of finding my sister as I do of walking on the moon but I’m still here looking through every profile on myspace just in case.
It’s true that students are perennially short of money, but at least you’re going for a qualification to get a better career.
Having a spouse / parent walk out is tragic. You have a right to be upset and so has your mother.
Would it help you relate to her better by thinking a little about what life has been like for her all these years?
I hope your relationships work out.
As you say, it’s better to be sure one relationship is over before starting another one.
At least you know you are atrractive to girls!
Finally and most importantly I can share your pain over the cancer.
Both my parents have died in the last 5 weeks.
Mum had bowel cancer, couldn’t eat and spent the last two weeks in a hospice.
When Mum died, Dad was heartbroken (they’d been married for 61 happy years).
There is no easy way to cope with the forthcoming loss of a parent.
Blame the disease for your feeling of anger and helplessness.
Tell your mother you love her. Every day.
Wow. That sounds like a pretty shitty time. I’m sorry. hug(Not as good as the real thing I realise.)
Sounds like you need to have a LONG and CALM discussion with you mum about quite a few things. I know, easier said then done. Maybe you could write her a letter.
As for your last GF. I’d tell her about the new girl before she reads it on the internet. It just seems harsh you know? Assuming you still care about her at all.
I don’t quite get what you mean by that question. If you mean about my dad then there is no tragedy. The guy was an arsehole to leave but me and mum coped fine. She was always upfront with any questions I had and encouraged me now and then to get in touch if I wanted to. I just didn’t want to until now. With hindsight I don’t think my mum was being purposefully misleading, just forgetful of a boyfriend from two decades past.
I wish they would work out too, glee, but it not really likely. Saying being with my GF was complicated is like calling the Sahara a sandpit. She has someone else and they’ve been together for a while now. But that still doesn’t stop me loving her.
There’s nothing to say. I didn’t have any feelings for the new girl because my ex cornered that market ages ago. I just entertained the thought that I could have had a normal life for a night instead of loving a girl I have no more chance with. And like I said before she has someone else. She’s made it pretty clear she wants me to move on.
Thank you. And I do.
In fact thanks for all the kind words everyone. And Miller’s puppy
I’m so sorry life has dumped on you this way. I really hope the rest of your week goes better for both you and your mother.
Now, just for a minute, I’m going to be a mother. My kids tell me that’s what I do best. You may be 20, but you’re staying with your mom, so you did owe her a phone call if you weren’t coming home for the night. Moms worry, you know.
And it’s time to give up the girl. Stop wallowing in it. She doesn’t want you any more, and continuing to hold onto your love for her is more than counterproductive, it’s harmful. Every time the thought of her comes up, push it back. It’s like a game of Whack-a-Mole. Just knock it back down. Eventually it will stop coming up. Give yourself a chance to get over it, and then maybe you will be ready for the right girl when she comes along.
Above all, be gentle with yourself. And try to be kind to your mom.
Got my phone stolen last night, while out celebrating another 21st. Which means I’ve lost my friends number again and he wanted to get together today. I figure that’s gotta be the icing on the cake.
It’s harder to concentrate when you are going through a lot of stressful things. And when you can’t concentrate, you tend to mess up and do things like lose keys and a telephone, so that just causes more stress.
Take a little bit of time to unwind and tend to your own emotional needs. Get some sleep and some good food. Don’t be so hard on yourself. You are only twenty and you are having to deal with stuff that is really hard and would be for anyone.
I’m sorry that you are frustrated and hurt. Try not to be angry with yourself. Really.
Easier said than done. Final year of university leaves little time to shut down and reboot. As for sleeping properly this week is the culmination of a quite shitty six months, each month getting progressively worse. I haven’t slept well for six months and less than 3 hours a day for the past month. That’s why I’m replying at quarter past five in the morning.
I don’t know what else to say other than I’m truly sorry things are going so badly for you. And pretty much everything that Zoe said. You deserve better times than this.
I don’t mean to be persnickety, but I am not sure you’re right. IANAPsychiatrist, but I understand that when stress levels get high and things are going really badly, the negative-self talk tends to get worse and worse and you just get pulled into a quagmire of self-blame that’s really hard to get out of. Trust me, this is experience talking.
From what I’ve seen on the boards, you are a good person. So please, don’t be too hard on yourself.
Is there possibly anyone you can talk to? Not neccesarily professional (though that might not hurt), but perhaps a third party who can help you sort things out.
I’ve done “professionals” before and I’m damn skippy I ain’t doing it again. As for someone to talk to that used to be my ex. I still tell her about these things but just hearing her voice at the moment would do more harm than good. My friends at uni were the year above and are now all over the country. My friends back home have got enough on their plates which leaves livejournal and here and I’ve been doing that.
If you’re worried don’t be. I’m just venting like crazy.
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