Tonight I have a little bed time story for all of you fellow pit people.
Our story tonight deals with me, as I venture out for food and the chance of entertainment aka Hollyhell video.
The names and places have been changed to keep people from hunting me down and killing me.
Chapter one: All journeys have to start somewhere.
In the quiet hours of winter an intrepid adventurer set out on a journey of epic proportions. The desire for food, something to drink other than water or liquor and a nice movie to watch were his goals. Now this was a man like any other, save for having a bad week.
After hiking down to his car, the 16 people sharing the aptartment below him having taken up all the parking spaces infront of his apartment again, he set forth on the first leg of his trip. Traffic was light, he made it onto the service road without a problem, then he tried to merge over to the right lane so he could make a right turn.
Apparently someone had a problem with this. Someone in a pickup truck several times his age. A pickup truck that was within seconds of breaking into two seperate pieces. This pickup truck didn’t like turn signals, and slammed on its horn and cut our hero off. This didn’t make our hero happy, but he was in a generous holiday mood and decided not to lash out at the pickup.
2 stoplights later, he’s reached the video store.
Chapter 2: Revenge of the Pickup – A bride for Christopher Reeves.
Ahh the video story. 50 thousand copies of movies our hero has already seen and 5 movies that are soft core porn. Choice choices.
Typically, all of the movies that our hero has any desire to see have all been checked out–despite their ‘promise to be in stock’. But, our hero posseses the magic slip. A slip that allows him 2 hrs of entertainment for FREE! Yes, for the price of a filet at Popeyes our hero has a free movie coupon.
After looking around he realizes that the only movies he hasn’t seen are utter shit, but it’ll be free so what the fuck huh?
On his way to the counter to what did his wandering eye appear? But that fucked up skank truck that cut him off.
“Fuck” he though. Oh well I won’t have to talk to them at least.
So he goes and gets in line. As typically of hollyhell there is 1 set of customers being helped while 2 extra employees partake of masturbation to the soft core disney porn screening on their private television.
Just the people infront of me start to leave what should happen.
But the driver of the skank truck did appear. And cut infront of him.
Our hero, has had enough for one day. Rudeness deserves it’s own punishment. And our hero is skilled at his craft, for he is a veteran of BattleNet, a place where only the rudest, nastiest toughing motherfuckers survive.
“Its nice seeing the old traditions of the holidays being observed,” he begins.
Everyone turns to look at him, and sensing his audience is captive he begins in earnest.
“Nothing like a rude bitch cutting in line to make the holidays complete”
The afforementioned bitch’s mouth drops open, revealing a truely cavernous space filled with various fungal agents normally restricted to the dankest caverns in the world. This bitch was a mean one, even ambushed like this she retained some spark.
“I see your momma didn’t raise you with manner.”
Sensing an advisary our hero girted his loins for battle.
“It truely is fascinating when bacterial plaque spreads from the tooth enamle to the brain. Subjects often display a marked decrease in intellegence. This case in particular has forgotten the meaning of simple societal precepts.”
“Huh?”
“I may be rude for calling a bitch a bitch, but a line cutting bitch you are.”
“Fuck you”
“Sorry, I must refuse. I have a good idea where you’ve been and I don’t want to catch anything.”
At this point, after a few looks from his manager, a peon steps up to divert our hero’s wrath. And thus our hero was allowed to rent his movie.
Chapter 3: Hunting, Gathering and the Department of Veteran’s Affairs.
After dealing with the bitch our hero was in a worse mood and wanting nothing more than to get food and go home.
“Joy of joys,” thought our hero. A parking spot near the doors! Eagerly he takes it. And switches off the engine. Suddenly, out of the corner of his eye a man appears. A man carrying his spoils from the grocery store. Now this man had parked in a truck, a two door truck which was next to our hero’s car. Now this man wanted to put his spoils into his truck, into the passenger side of the truck.
Our hero was trapped! With no way to get out of his car!
Minutes passed and finally the man was done. During the time our hero got a good look at the man. Finally the man moved the cart, between the cars in the spaces infront of us.
As our hero gets out of the car he speaks, “Dude–asshole, couldn’t you wait 3 seconds for me to get out of the car?”
“Fuck you, I’m a disabled vet,” spits back the man.
Now our hero has had a chance to observe the man, yes he is old but he’s able to carry large heavy packages and has a full range of motion. However he does have an old injury! On his right hand, he’s missing the first joint of his pinky! Truely a grevious injury!
“I can see that, the loss of a small part of your littlest finger must be terrible.”
“Keep talking punk, I lost it in the war.”
“Oh well at least you got a handicapped parking permit out of it”
“Blow me!”
“Yet again another offer I have to decline!”
And thus our hero enters the grocery store.
Chapter 4: Revenge of the Bitch: So good we needed a part 3!
Our hero got pasta and is now on his way out the door. He goes to the self checkout line and waits for someone to finish so he can go pay for his food and leave.
Someone leaves! Joy of joys! Wait, what’s this. Our hero recognizes this ass.
“It’s her magesty! The fabulous princess of Bitchdom! The bitch who doesn’t believe in waiting in line. Get the fuck to the back of the line your highness!”
She turns around.
“Fuck it’s you again. If you don’t leave me alone my boyfriend will kill you!”
“That fact that a man would come close enough to you to see your cavities unless it was by accident suprises me. I can’t imagine anyone wanting to sleep with you. Now get the FUCK back in line.”
Customer service reps decide to intervene at this time.
“Kick that asshole out of the store he’s threatening me.”
At this time another person like our hero speaks up.
“Ignore the fat slut, that bitch cut in line and threatened to kill the bastard infront of me.”
And the bitch was escorted to security.
The end.
FUCK today has been bad
Just sometimes when I have enough I let everyone know… Which isn’t a good example to set 